Renewal

Rosh Hashanah

"To feel the stillness of eternity in the rush of the present."

Last night with B (and yesterday and the night before) was amazing... Has he finally realized that I will be lost? He has seemed so PRESENT. That is the biggest difference-- the sense that he sees me and is with me and sees the beauty in it-- the wonder in it... the beauty in me. I pray to God that this really is the start of a New Year.

But I am so worried about Nanny... I feel the passage of time so fiercely now.

But each New Year is another year of wisdom, depth, color, art, patience and understanding. I think what it is, is that I feel the shifting of the balance. We are becoming the adults. Our parents are becoming the elderly. And our grandparents are becoming our history... It scares me, I think, because I always fought so hard to hold on to the past... to breathe life into it... to have old things back and not to let the new ones go.

But time rolls on despite my efforts and I feel an era slipping through my fingers... My former selves slipping away... And those dreams and fears fade into browning photographs.

(And one more sunset closer to sleep. We are one sunset farther from fear.)

I feel this New Years pressed in the colors of fall.

(Masakit ang tian ko!)

Feeling much better though. His kindness and love has chipped away at this surface of hate and even though it has only chipped away the smallest fleck, it was enough the relieve the urgency and the desperation. I feel a bit as though my strength has been renewed.

Fear and Ecstasy

Today is my B's first day of teaching and I am a fool for still acting like this. I love him, but I shouldn't, but I like loving him, but my arm is cut up so badly. Sometimes I feel like I am really going crazy. I just can't move... I can't even see or breathe... I mean, I see, but my sight is frozen. The whole world is caught in a freeze frame. And i feel like I am lying beneath a thin veil of water... colors and shapes can pass through, but that's all that they are-- just meaningless, hazy forms.

Then, I just can't pull myself out of it and I get the chills and start shuddering and I feel my jaw shaking and all I can think is that my B just can't leave me because I love him and nothing else makes any sense. No other reality is within the grasp of my brain and that is when I start to freak out.

Ate dinner at BigSis and Bro-in-Law's last night. BigSis and I made chicken fajitas. Liu was here this weekend. Venue, Pyramid and Limelight. In Pyramid I had the high of my life. I have to remember which one it was. But you can't do that stuff alone... It would be so terribly lonely.

BigSis and I also got manicures and pedicures yesterday.

I am really bored at work today. There is not much to do. I really wish I could just take a nap. (It reminds me of that "Seinfeld" episode when George builds a little bed under his desk...)