Music of Penitence and the Passion

Dodge Library. Waiting for B after section. Feeling how much I love him... I just hope everything is okay. And I'm feeling nervous about that stuff (drugs on Saturday) like it is going to be some trouble, but can't seem to stop it either... I guess I don't really want to. But the whole thing is making me really nervous.

Contessa's birthday thing is tonight, but I really don't feel like socializing with anyone... I just feel sick and cranky.

At least the weather is nice.

My sweater is ice-blue-- like the dress I didn't buy on Saturday.

"Bruce" is on my walkman (the River) and this song will always be that night in The Abbey Pub to me. When my heart was breaking... God, I don't want to think about that... it is too much pain... even now.

I'm just so tired of everything. Maybe I need to go out and do something wild... But there's nothing that i want... just sleep. (Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?)

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Much later.

Outside the choir room at B's rehearsal. His concert is tomorrow and i have to miss it for my own choir's opera concert. Thinking about a lot of stuff... Needing a dress for tomorrow and for the 29th and then my recital and Senior Ball... And wondering about the after party... Who Liu thinks she's doing that shit with, if I even feel like going and if I will even want to see anyone there. I get the feeling that those are the type of people I'd like to avoid-- my freshman floor and the sorority and all that... But I suppose they'll all be at the "ball" part of it too.

And E-the-R told me to write KSing... I miss her. I wonder if she ever things of me-- or knows how much I have changed.

I have nothing to share anymore. I have nothing left to give to anyone else. Maybe I never had anything to give... only the need to take, and now that need is gone too. There is nothing left to bind me to any of them... and only deadened silence for conversation.

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Up in the church now... and the echoing incense and black spaces soar around the music. My B looks so cute! But at every moment I have like this, a moment to sit back and separate myself, those hateful feelings come back... Maybe that's why I'm scared to do it.

Music of Penitence and the Passion.

Waiting in Dodge

In Dodge, waiting for choir to start. I wonder if Clover is pissed about my email, or more worried. Got a bracelet at Macy's today. I have been feeling so dizzy the past few days... (and the light is bubbling off the glaring tiled floor) and I wonder if it has anything to do with Saturday. I have been feeling especially down about everything lately, but I don't want to let B see it at all. The other day when I got in a bad mood, he looked like he was going to cry and he said that he was really scared... But i feel horrible and loathsome and like I just want to strip and slice away all of me... burn myself into a melted hole in these tiles. (And maybe no longer be dizzy, disconnected and floating (with a tickle behind my neck.))

Musings

In "Chromatic" waiting for class to start... and not as nervous as I thought I would be. It's gonna be really hard to come back though. Busy day today... (and not much to say). Feeling pretty good, (but tired) in my blue floral camisole.

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Anyway, later and in the taxi. I'm glad that's over and I think there's still time based on his email. (Stuck in traffic and I'll almost definitely be late for Dr. G!) It's muggy out today and it's making me feel dirty. I wish it would rain already...

Dancing on Saturday with Liu, E-the-R, Anxious and Buke... And it was the most (and the strangest) high I've yet had on that stuff... but absolutely amazing!

And wanting everything over and over again. (At least my jaw stopped hurting today).

We keep passing the Gap and the "colored jean" (gene) (gin) (john) (jan) (june) (jone).

And I am nauseated. Stuck in my head? Non piu di fiori.