The Invisible Woman

On the 57th Street crosstown bus, heading to Dr. G. The wind is whipping around everyone's necks today... strands of hair and looseleaf are flying up into the air, above the newsstands and across the sidewalks.

Thinking about The Invisible Man and the "invisible" woman that I have been for so long.

My eyes are dried violets and the grayness of the weather is making me fatigued (despite my urgent fear that it might rain and destroy my newly straightened, beautiful, shiny hair!). This all seems like some very strange calm before the storm...

Constitution stuff in choir tonight... and I am dreaming of the drinks afterwards... Although I don't know why... I haven't gotten wasted in a very long time.

And so much music to learn (and write!) and it is occupying my mind, although I never schedule a time to do it.

I felt strange at B's writing center... I was only there fore ten minutes and for a completely unknown reason, there was a distance... It might have just been the fatigue. But B did not seem that excited to see me... even after I spent $10 to get there in a taxi, in between "Chromatic" and Dr. G.

But then again, the grayness and wind my be effecting my temperament (and perception).

Dinner with VJ tonight (whom I haven't seen in a while). And not surprisingly, nothing more to say under the weight of it all. Wondering how much is too much (matz) (Lexington) and why I need him around my heart at every moment... some infantile need that I don't understand to always be in his arms. And why do I feel so utterly rejected if they are not forever extended for a hug? But I see them now... out-stretched in my mind. And it comforts me.

(Second Avenue)

Psalm 102

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee.
2 Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I call answer me speedily.
3 For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.
4 My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.
5 By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.
6 I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.
7 I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
8 Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me.
9 For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,
10 Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.
11 My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass.
12 But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.
13 Thou shalt arise, and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
14 For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof.
15 So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.
16 When the LORD shall build up Zion, he shall appear in his glory.
17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.
18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.
19 For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;
20 To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;
21 To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;
22 When the people are gathered together, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.
23 He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.
24 I said, O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.
25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.
26 They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed:
27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
28 The children of thy servants shall continue, and their seed shall be established before thee.

Ugly

Stress about the elections and Lewser and ChoirMan and all of this shit... And B doesn't want to talk to me about it because he still has issues with ChoirMan... And I wonder if he still thinks I'm "dirty" from all of that... I feel dirty right now... and ugly and hateful and unlovable, but most of all, ugly.