Armenian Party

This morning my mom woke us up early to go to Nana's store for breakfast. (My stepfather stayed asleep in the hotel). Nana took us to a really good chicken place right near her store that my mom said we used to go to all the time.

After "brunch," we sat in Nana's store for a little bit and had coffee. Then we headed back to the Old City. BigSis and LilSis and I all had to do some souvenir shopping. LilSis bought t-shirts for all of her friends and I got a water pipe, some t-shirts, etc. El came with us because she is getting ready to go live with a family in Sweden for a week and she needed to buy some gifts for the family.

We couldn't stay out too long, though, because we were supposed to meet my mom and stepfather back at the Convent at 6:00 PM. Of course, as usual, they were an hour late, so we just hung out.

After that, BigSis, my mom and I went to go check out Friday night services at the Wall. I must admit-- it was pretty odd. We had to have our bags checked before we could even get near the Wall. When we got there, there was every kind of Jew from the jappiest of japs to the machine gun carriers to a million varieties of Hassidic. Anyway, we only stayed about an hour total because we had to get back to the Convent for the Armenian party that night.

When we got back, all the girls got ready and my mom took pictures. The party officially started at 8:00 PM, but we didn't go over until 9:00 PM. It was in the "Lower Club."

The Armenian club is divided into two parts-- upper and lower. Originally, when they were founded, Armenia was part of the USSR. The Upper club wanted an independent Armenia-- pro-nationalism and pro-capitalism. The Lower club was Pro-communism. Our family has always belonged to the upper, but now that the USSR is gone, they more stand for "East" vs. "West," so Uncle A favors the lower (or the East).

Anyway, when we got to the party (there was a cover charge) we entered a room that was pitch black, but streaked with the glow of white streamers reflected under a black light, a net with balloons on top draped from the ceiling--

Sunning in Tel Aviv

This morning we woke up early, not to wasted the morning while El and Ar were in Hebrew class before we could leave for Tel Aviv.

We all went in the car up to the Mount of Olives where we posed for pictures and saw the camels, etc. We drove around up there for a while and my mom showed us Hebrew University where she had taken classes. Finally we drove down to Jaffa Gate to pick up El, Ar, Arsen and Aunt M.

The drive into Tel Aviv was better than last time. We didn't get lost at all. We had a good time in the car too. BigSis was teasing Arsen and when Arsen saw a blond on the street and said it was his girlfriend, BigSis said that they guy with her stole her away. When we all turned to look at the guy, he made a really weird face. It was funny...

Anyway, we finally arrived at the beach. Aunt M. had brought soda and bread sticks in the car, so no one was really hungry. We settled down, but had to pay per person, plus more for my precious umbrella. We swam and sunned all day. The sea (the Mediterranean) was as hot as a bath and the waves weren't big at all, but the bottom of the sea was a little rocky.

El told us about how she loved guys she felt sorry for and we all made fun of her for having a crush on "Carlton" from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

We didn't leave the beach until around 7:00 PM when we piled into the car to got to Old Jaffo, a beautiful cobblestoned touristy old area down the coast, a few minutes away. When we got there, we saw quite a few loud, obnoxious, teen-tour groups with their RA's armed with machine guns.

Ar and I kept singing Celine Dion and Whitney Houston songs as we walked. We finally picked a restaurant called "Aladdin" with a beautiful sea view. I had shrimp scampi.

After dinner we got back into the car to go home, but it was easier said than done! We ended up getting super lost. My stepfather was driving and my mom and I were navigating and he kept getting frustrated because half of the words weren't on the map. We drove forever and ever and couldn't find the road to Jerusalem. We kept rolling down our windows and having to ask people half in English and half in Hebrew. By the time we got home, it was around midnight.

The next day, Nana said that Uncle A had been really worried about us.

My Uncle? Or My Dad?

My pen is going to run out and condemns me to silence, but that is okay because I sense it that way anyway.

Today when I saw Uncle A. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to fall asleep on his shoulder but kept running into the same wall that he is a different man. It is sort of like with twins-- with Uncle B and Frank. When I see Frank I feel instant affection, like he is my uncle for one split second and then it all fades and I remember. Well, today that split second burst over and over like fireworks in my head and left me feeling gutted... And I was filled with so much empty longing.

And when we came back to the hotel and I lay on my mom's bead, all I thought of was how much I didn't want to go to Cuba and how much I wanted to die. We must leave here soon.

It is very bad for me to be put back there.

The Great Escape

At the Diaspora Museum in Tel Aviv. The past few days have felt like I'm living on an alternate plane, full of rips, tears and gaping holes. And as for the past... it was just a colored and striking mirage. Like bones being glued together, spinning against the eyes of Ezekiel in the middle of the desert.

And I don't want to go home, but I certainly don't want to stay here (where the cobble stones still smell of history mixed with sunlight). I only want to run back to the canals and as soon as I get home I am going to find a book and find a way (away)...

I am re-writing my life... The Great Escape.

From Tel Aviv to Ramallah

This morning we woke up early to get a head start to Tel Aviv. My mom had ordered breakfast and some rolls and cheese and stuff up to the room so that we wouldn't waste time. We walked to the car rental place to pick up our car-- a mini-van. We got in and headed out for the city. We made a few wrong turns on the way, but finally got there.

Tel Aviv is much bigger than Jerusalem in a modern way-- like Moscow to St. Petersburg. But the buildings were taller than all three. They were almost skyscrapers. And like everything in this country, it is all new and under construction.

Anyway, we got to the university and went in to the Museum of the Diaspora. Nanny said she absolutely loved the museum, so I was excited.

When we first went in, we watched a movie about the diaspora and the rise of Zionism, etc. I thought it was really interesting. The rest of the museum wasn't so thrilling, though. It was organized in a strange way. I would have done it by country, but instead they did it by theme-- like "faith," "art," etc.

I got lost from the family so I got to go around alone. I found them at the end in the cafeteria. BigSis found a picture of Rabbi J and Rabbi L in the museum. We also filled out one of those family trees to put our family into the computer. We ate lunch at the cafeteria there-- pizza and my mom had a Bulgarian cheese sandwich.

We were running really late on the way home because we were supposed to meet Aunt M, Arsen and the girls at Jaffa Gate at 4:00 PM. We didn't get there until around 5:00 PM and Aunt M said that El and Ar were tired and went home. We were originally going to stop at the hotel, but because we were so late, we decided to just go to Ramallah.

The house in Ramallah looked exactly the same, but the city has gotten bigger-- a lot more people. Uncle A, Uncle Assad and Robert were sitting downstairs in the "factory" when we arrived. We said hello and then went up stairs to see Li and Aunt An. We all sat around talking for a while and then Li took me, BigSis, LilSis and Arsen for a drive around Ramallah.

She showed us her favorite coffee shops and where her best friend lives, etc. There are practically no driving rules because traffic rules are hardly enforced in the new Palestinian Authority.

When we got back to the house, everyone was getting ready to go-- first to Robert's house and then to Jifna for dinner. Robert lives with his wife in Uncle Assad's father's old house. In order to get there, though, we had to pass through a Palestinian refugee camp.

The house was beautiful, but I think it's strange that Robert's wife is only my age. Aunt An showed us around the gardens were there were fig trees and almond, orange and lemon tress, pomegranates and grapes, olive trees and more.

After we saw the house, we headed out to the restaurant. It is the same place where we all had our pictures taken as little girls. The food was really good--salads and dips and delicious chicken. Uncle A was smoking some giant pipe called a "hubbly bubbly" with a special Persian tobacco. It was a water pipe.

We all took a lot of pictures and had a really good time. We left around 11:00 PM and we were following Uncle A home. We had to go through a checkpoint and then some crazy detour when a truck tried to turn around at a construction site.

Finally, though, we all got home and all went to sleep.

A Typical Day in Jerusalem

This morning BigSis woke us up in an exceedingly bratty "squeaky" way. When we were finally all ready, we walked to the King David hotel to get a taxi. The plan was to go to "Hamashbir"-- a department store near Ben Yehuda with Arsen and meet El and Ar there at 12:45. At 10:15, BigSis, my stepfather and I got into one taxi to go right there and LilSis and my mom got into a cab to pick up Arsen at Jaffa Gate before meeting us.

To make a long story short, we never found them and stood for an hour in the sweltering sun asking people who only spoke Hebrew if we were in the right place. Finally, at 11:30 we got fed up and headed back to Aunt M's. Her brother and sister-in-law were there, but we only stayed a few minutes. My stepfather walked back to the hotel to take a nap and BigSis and I decided to go for a walk through the Old City.

We walked along Christian Quarter Street and down near Damascus Gate, but turned right instead of left (as if we were going out towards the gate). We walked past all of the butchers and back to the road that leads to Jaffa Gate. Neither of us bought anything, but we did see a really annoying American "teen tour." We ended up back at Jaffa Gate where we "people-watched" for a while. I got a sunburn. Then we headed back to Aunt M's for lunch at 1:00 PM.

She made stuffed eggplant and squash. It was SO good. We saw my mom, LilSis, El, Ar and Arsen back there and they said that they were looking for us too. After lunch, everyone else hung around, but my mom and I left to go to Bethlehem. We got a taxi at Jaffa Gate, picked up my stepfather at the hotel and were off.

Bethlehem is now under the Palestinian Authority, so we had to keep the same cab driver with the yellow "Jerusalem" plates to wait for us. The cars form Palestine have green plates and can't go into Israel. We had to stop at a military checkpoint on the way. It's crazy though because the people that live there can't take a ten minute drive to Jerusalem. They have to go some round-about way that takes and hour and a half!

Anyway, at Bethlehem, my mom didn't come into the Church of Nativity. It was only me and my stepfather. We went down to see the place where Jesus was born and there were all these people in there from all over the world singing Christmas carols and kissing the star of nativity. We also got to see the place where St. Jerome translated the bible from Hebrew to Latin and the tombs of several martyrs and saints as well as remnants of the original manger. It was really cool.

Afterwards, my stepfather ate shawarma outside a gift shop and my mom and I had lemon ices. My mom had some crazy story about how the old man who worked in the gift shop remembered Nanny from when she got left behind by a tour bus thirty years ago.

The taxi took us back to Jerusalem but we didn't have to meet the others until 6:00 PM. So, we walked the Via Dolorosa and went to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. My mom and stepfather weren't allowed to go in because they were wearing shorts, so I went in by myself.

The whole place was drowning in incense and there was some kind of ceremony going on. The nuns and monks were singing beautiful Eastern chants. The church was so wonderfully cool too, compared to the pounding heat outside.

When I came out we walked back to Aunt M's and met the rest. The little boys were playing leapfrog in the courtyard. After we sat down for a few minutes, it was time to get going again.

We walked to the hotel where Li works (all the kids, my mom and stepfather) and we surprised her at work. She was really happy to see us. We only stayed for a few minutes, though, and then my mom and stepfather came back to the hotel and the rest of us started walking to Nana's store.

We sat there for a while and then they closed for the day and she and Aunt H took us for pizza (olive pizza). After dinner, we took a taxi back to Nana's and stayed there for half an hour. She played us some tape that my dad and mom made before they were married when my mom was studying for her law exams. My dad spoke forever in Armenian to the whole family and to "baby Robert" and he and my mom sang some song together.

Anyway, after that, we walked back to the convent and sat there for a little bit. Oh-- on the way to Nana's we met an old friend of my dad's-- Jacob. Anyway, my mom was talking about how she saw American right wing Jewish settlers carrying machine guns for "self-protection" from the oh-so dangerous Arabs. El said that the Israeli government encourages everyone to carry guns (all Jews) to protect themselves and always supports Jews when there is a conflict. They also said that to put the Palestinians out of work, the government brought in a lot of Romanians and Filipinos... not even Jews! And she said that the Romanians drink constantly and sleep in the streets. They did the same with Russians earlier, but the Russians were educated and wouldn't put up with bad treatment, so they all moved back.

Anyway, at 10:00 PM we left their house and came back to the hotel. Tomorrow we have to wake up early to go to Tel Aviv and then Ramallah...

Getting Reacquainted

Today my mom woke us up pretty early and we all got dressed and ready and headed out. We stopped at that "Rosemary" cafe at around 11:00 AM for breakfast-- near the Mariah hotel. We had really good omelets and then headed over to Aunt M's.

We talked there for a while and watched some nerdy '80's show on TV. Then Aunt M made us delicious chicken and rice for lunch. After lunch we all did the dishes and then all the kids and my mom and stepfather walked through the Old City to Damascus Gate. It was so unreal... the way it looked, sounded and smelled... I felt like I was inside some kind of movie or National Geographic or something.

When we got to the gate, we said goodbye to my mom and stepfather and the kids headed to Nana's shop. Ar translated all of the leers and jeers on the way. We passed some guy that Arsen knew that wants to be a basketball player so he had professional posters of himself printed up and then posted around the city in hopes of becoming famous.

When we got to Nana's store we sat and talked for a while. Her local Israeli patrolman came by to say hello. Nana loves him. He's a Russian Jew and tried to say hi to me in Russian.

At 5:00 PM we left to meet my mom and stepfather back at Damascus. Then we walked back to Aunt M's where we ate bread with zatar (oil and ground thyme). We all hung out and played Arsen's "koosh" game again.

My stepfather was really tired and at one point he fell asleep. It was around 8:30/9:00 PM so my mom, BigSis, LilSis and I went over to see Nana and Aunt H. We looked at baby pictures and my mom saw the video from Robert's wedding. At 9:45 PM we left and walked home. I got a soda in the lobby with my mom and stepfather and wrote postcards. Then I came up to the room, showered and sleep...

Family Reunion

Today my mom woke us at around 11:00 AM, but I was really tired because my leg cramped the night before and woke me up. By the time everyone got showered and ready, it was already around 12:30 PM.

We walked back to the Old City and through Jaffa Gate on our way to Nana's house. On the way, we passed R's shop where we stopped to talk to him for a while. My mom changed some money there. Then we left, but LilSis claimed that she was going to faint and went into some random guy's store and sat by a fan. She bought a pocketbook from him. Then the three of us went on to Nana's and my mom and stepfather went their own way.

Nana and Aunt H were waiting for us and had prepared a big meal of rice, chicken, potatoes, salad, pickles and olives and watermelon for desert. After we ate, they showed us a video of Uncle L's 60th birthday party (which was two years ago) and we saw Aunt E and all of her kids and Uncle L's kids etc. and many more on the video. Then they showed us a video from our trip in 1987 with my dad. All of the kids spoke on the camera. It was really cute. At around 4:00 PM, we left to go to Uncle A's to meet my mom and stepfather.

When we got there, Uncle A was home. All of us sat around talking for a long time about everything from marriage to the American monoculture and consumerism. Uncle A said it's taking over the world. We also talked about basketball and fashion. Aunt M brought out some mint tea. Finally at around 7:00 PM we left to go back to Nana's and my mom and stepfather went for dinner with Uncle A.

El, Ar and Arsen came with us. Back at Nana's, we watched the 1987 video with them because they were in it. Oh-- I forgot-- this morning Nana gave us all beautiful 21K gold bracelets. Anyway, she also gave us some pictures of my dad when he was little, but said that Aunt E probably had most of them from New Jersey.

Aunt H brought out some Armenian pizza and we all ate (the kids) and sat around talking about movies and actors and actresses, etc. At 9:30 PM we left so that they could all get back to the Convent with plenty of time. When we got back, my mom and stepfather weren't back yet, so all the kids and Aunt M sat around playing some game with a koosh ball that Arsen made up.

Finally, my mom and stepfather and Uncle A returned and we said goodnight and headed home. On the way back to the hotel we stopped at some grocery store where the girl behind the counter was watching Seinfeld. We got back to the room and LilSis and I got into a fight with BigSis about the distribution of postcards. BigSis threatened LilSis by saying "you don't know what I did in this bed last night!" and LilSis and I started cracking up.

Anyway, now they are writing postcards (I gave mine to BigSis) and I am writing here, winding down for the night.

From NY to Jerusalem!

This morning I woke up and went to "Cactus" to get my hair dyed. I came home and packed and then BigSis and I went to Barnes & Nobles to buy books for the trip. When we got home, my mom and stepfather were there and we made the cab driver wait forever while we did last minute packing (as usual). Finally we loaded into the car and were off to the airport.

My mom was being cranky about food and we had to eat weird airport food. I was really tired. Finally, at around 11:00 PM we got on the plane. I think I fell asleep during takeoff even though I hardly ever sleep on the plane. I woke up some time for dinner and then again at 5:00 AM Saturday morning. I had never felt so exhausted. I missed breakfast, but my mom saved me a bagel. I showed her some of my pictures from Russia. Finally, the plane landed at around 8:30 AM (NY time) which was really 3:30 PM in Israel.

We got our luggage and caught a group van into Jerusalem. Some boy from Tokyo rode in the van with us. We got to our hotel-- the King Solomon, which is not far form the King David-- and we checked in. My stepfather really wanted steak or meat so the bartender in the hotel recommended a restaurant-- something like "Meretia," I don't remember. Anyway, we walked there and had an absolute feast of Middle Eastern cuisine. There were all kinds of salads and dips and falafel and then for the main course- shashlika and all these different kinds of kabobs-- lamb, beef, chicken and with grilled onions and tomatoes. IT was good.

After dinner, my stepfather went back to the hotel and all of us walked through Jaffa Gate (newly renovated on the outside!) to Nana's. The whole place simply smelled of Jerusalem and I Felt as if I had always been there.

Anyway, we go tot Nana's and she wasn't home. So, we decided to try Uncle A's. We walked to the Armenian Convent and there appeared to be no one there either. BigSis and LilSis went ot ask some kids if they knew where El, Ar and Arsen were. Some girl signaled for us to follow her. We walked through a dark cobblestoned passageway, under smooth stone arches. Finally, we came to an open clearing where a bunch of boys were playing basketball. Among them was Arsen who grew up so much!

He led us back to the house where it turns out that El and Ar were really home. We also saw Garineyah and Mirahn who remembered us. El, Ar and Arsen showed us photo albums until Aunt M came home. We all sat around and caught up for a while. Then, because the Convent was going to close at 10:00 PM, we had to leave.

We walked over to Nana's where she smothered us t death with kisses. Aunt H was there too. We all talked for a while. Nana was so happy to see us. Finally, though, we were dropping dead of exhaustion, so we said our goodbyes and headed home.

Back at the hotel, BigSis was trying to figure out how to work her hairdryer and caused some big commotion setting off a fire alarm. Now it is 12:30 and we just heard LilSis do a cute sneeze from the shower!

Recovering from Russia

Waiting at Geraldine's and pink seems less like candy and feels more starched against my skin and she is not here and I am getting annoyed. All of that, all of the past seems surreal. And although their eyes still flash before my eyes, it is some great inescapable fog. I am so tired though... And I see her coming.

Home Sweet Home

Katherine woke me up at 5:00 today and hugged me goodbye and Ally did the same at 6:30. Now I'm on the plane abotu to land with Tricia at JFK. I thought that the driver would pick us up at 8:00 AM but there was some mixup and he showed up at 7:00, although Tricia and I didn't get it together to leave until 7:30.

We checked in together at the airport (Heathrow) and then bumped into Nathan, Kelly and Melissa. So, all five of us had croissants together. Then we said our goodbyes. Tricia and I bought a million magazines and have been on the plane ever since. The film was Titanic.

How sad that it has all come to an end. Even though I miss home, I could have stayed for at least another six months...

Oh well... to Jerusalem on Friday!

Imagine that-- in one week: St. Petersburg, Moscow, London, New York, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. Impressive, no?

Okay... the end!

Moscow to London

Today we woke up at about 8:30 AM and went down for breakfast at 9:00 AM. Since we never found the arbat the night before, Dan said he would take us. Because he is Dan, he wanted to walk and it took forever. I was really tired. When we finally got there it was me, Ally, Katherine, Tricia, Diana and Dan. We all split up and I shopped around by myself. I bought a black fur hat. We were supposed to meet at noon at McDonald's but I waited there for half an hour and didn't see anybody. Finally, I went to look in McDonald's and I saw Ally, David and Tricia. The others had left and I don't know when David showed up. Anyway, I ate lunch there and then we all headed back to the dorm (via metro).

Once back, it was a mad rush to pack and be out by 2:00 PM. Once everything was finally loaded up on the bus, I realized that I didn't know where my plane ticket was. I had to open up my suitcase to find it.

Finally we were on our way. When we got to the airport, it was so weird to have to say goodbye to Dan. There were a bunch of Americans there from the deep South on line. They were from the Olympics and were making a lot of noise. Our passport control woman took forever and it was really annoying.

Anyway, on the plane to London all I could think about was a shower. Tricia and I were so hyper and Ally wrote her "teapot" song. (See memory #146). Finally, after about three and a half hours, we got to London, where it is three hours earlier than Russia anyway!

We moved all of our stuff into our rooms and Ally, Katherine and I were supposed to have a triple, but our room only had two beds. Nobody wanted to stay with Melissa on our last night. So, Ally volunteered to sleep on the floor.

I took the longest shower in the whole world and it felt so good and clean and civilized! After everyone was settled, we decided to go out for dinner. We went to some really cute Italian place. After dinner, I wanted to go out again but everyone was really tired so Tricia, Dave and I all hung out in the hotel bar for a while. When they went to sleep I went upstairs and gossipped with Ally and Katherine one last time.

Finally, we all fell asleep.

Drunk in London

Later, later, later. 12:05 AM in London and 3:05 in Russia and 7:05 in New York and I want to close my eyes in death once more, lost here in the empty smoked carpet of the hotel bar, slightly spinning and sola (perdua) abandonata.

And I said goodbye and have never felt more empty and only want to cry cry cry cry cry cry cry and this indescribable pit of fear, regret and despair makes my stomach well up with nausea.

And I want to go out. I long to GO OUT.

Drunk at the Arbat

Something strange happens when you allow this to go on for too much time... the world fades in and out of focus, streaked with running colors and punctuated by the desperate clapping of high-heeled hoofs against the pavement. And I fear that i has been broken again and I swallow in resolution and I will not fall anymore. I have come to accept such a crush as "expectation."

But all is not lost...

The night has been highlighted with new faces and in this semi-consciousness I realize that although I am distanced form the world, my mind has become quite lucid and tickles me in a floating space and I am conscious of my brain and of the fact that even my handwriting has changed.

And it is 10:30 in the morning...Monday! It is 10:30 on a Monday morning and I think about going home and reversal and wonder how anyone can make any progress that way... Here on the Arbat, sitting at the market center (Araby?). And it seems like lifetimes ago that I read Dubliners and the man at the Kiosk recognized me and waved and this warped, Albino pigeon comes desperately close.

I should never have woken up this morning and dragged myself so far from my bed... I won't be surprised if I pass out here. (Soldiers!) I won't be surprised (Moscow soldiers that saunter!) If this graying, dripping, painting becomes black...

"RESTAURANT, ITALIA, PIZZERIA"

Although I don't feel half as bad about yesterday (because nothing was revealed) and against this sky of spun silk and Renaissance blue, my handwriting has returned (sort of).

I wonder if someone will make me move off of this stone chilled ledge where smoke only makes me feel sicker... But I know that if I write it makes one less approachable. The sun peeks out now (slightly!) and I feel an irreproachable pain deep in my very pit-- well, it's not a heart, only stomach, but I'm dizzy and wonder where Ally and Katherine and Tricia and Dan and Diana went and if I'll get arrested if I fall asleep here.

(A Russian man puts a green piece of metal in front of me. He's REALLY Russian with the eyes of a cat, high cheek bones and short blond hair which is now tinted green from the umbrella that he stands under).

That was a waste of my time, drawing all that. He's doing something with a metal box now. I think I'll get up and look around the souvenir market. The nicotine is making me feel better and besides, it's already 11:00 AM.

*******************************

Later and on the bus to the airport, and I don't want to go home, however much I would like a shower. With Jaques Brell on my ears and triumph in the skies and I know that one day I will be able to make my own life forever... Make my own inventions and live with it in freedom.

The bus is too bumpy to write. And besides, I want to look out the window.

PS: It was the back of a palm reading machine booth

Touring Moscow

Today we went down for breakfast at 9:00 AM. After breakfast we all headed out to the Kremlin where we met our tour guide again. We went through tours of all of the cathedrals, including the Church of Assumption which was absolutely beautiful! I also got to see the graves of the pre-Romanov Tsars and the Romanovs up to Peter I. I even saw the grave of Dmitri, the Tsarevitch that Boris Godunov killed.

After a tour of all the churches we went to a Russian bistro for lunch and ha strange meat and mushroom pies. After lunch we walked to the Museum of the Revolution. Tricia and I saw that they sold posters, so we went buck-wild and got excited and ran in, all hyper, pouring over everything, until we realized that everything in the store was an "original" and we couldn't' afford anything except for a few envelopes. Finally, they kicked us out of the store because it was closing.

We went up to look around at the museum for a little while. Then, Ally still had to buy souvenirs, so she, Tricia, Catherine and I all decided to go to the arbat-- a big souvenir place. The Moscow subway is super complicate,d though, and we got lost. We were all hot and tired and cranky and I was hungry. PLUS, we were supposed to meet Dan at 6:30 PM to go to some club and we were pressed for time.

Anyway, we headed back to the dorm without having found it and Ally and Katherine took a nap. I talked to Page and Blakeslee for a while and then to David. David said that he was meeting Dan at the club later, so Tricia and I changed and then went with him to McDonald's for dinner.

It was the first McDonald's in Moscow and was incredibly huge. David was especially pleased with his meal. After dinner we set out for the club, but David got us a little lost and we were walking forever.

It was a pretty fun club, but some annoying nerdy guy with a Princeton Crew t-shirt from Alabama was there and he wanted to come back and hang out in the room with us after the bar. Turns out that the "youth Olympics" were going on in Moscow, a pretty big deal, so the whole city was decked out and there were foreign athletes there in national warm up suits...everywhere!

Anyway, when we came out of the club there were fireworks and I remember that they thundered and clapped against the sky as if they were in my own head. On the way home I stopped and talked to some guy at a Baltika Kiosk. When we got back, we all hung out in Dan's room some more. I passed out in the hall and Tricia woke me up. We both went to sleep.

A Killer in McDonald's

In McDonald's in Moscow (the first!) and it's fucking huge and my throat begs for life against the moistened raspberry metallic stains and pressed (sticking) to spotted white plastic. And the sounds of "other" keep pace with my thoughts and a man with a moustache sits not too far away. And grinning boys in black seek eye contact, but I look back down because I remember what has been revealed and I remember what can never be taken back and I remember the glassy-eyed irritation against her pinstriped and rained upon denim shirt...

They all know. And beaded blue and silver only lead to more devastation. And I have discovered how easy it is to become the selfish one... to break people like puppets all around me and to ruthlessly suck the life out of them-- leaving them crushed and straightened objects, and viewing them without feeling. No recognition.

You are alone and then you think that the pain is all yours and they abandon you and cry in their caves, licking the wounds that you ripped int heir chests.

And I have been so objectified. And I have seen the hate in the eyes of my objects and i know that I too can kill.

I can kill in teh worst possible wan dn scream silent inside forever!!!

Arriving in Moscow

WELCOME TO MOSCOW!!!

When we got of the train we all felt absolutely gross because no onehad changed clothes or brushed their teeth or anything. Our tour guide, Larisa, met us at the train station and we got on a bus to the dorm. Oh my God! Her outfit was SO crazy! She was wearing a bright red tea-length skirt, a see-through black sheer shirt with a black silk bra with colored flowers on it, very visible underneath. T hen she had on a giant gaudy metal belt and matching earrings that were so big and long that they grazed her shoulders.

The ride back was pretty. In the middle of the streets (like on Long Island) they have these "parks" called "Boulevards" where the nobility once strolled.

When we got to the dorm, we changed and freshened up. The room arrangements were me and Tricia and then Katherine and Ally were our suite mates. After we dropped off our stuff, we headed out for a tour of Moscow.

The Kremlin was absolutely beautiful-- it was the perfect meeting of the beauty of an ancient fairytale with the strength, power and intensity of the Soviet era. We got to see Lenin's body which was really creepy, shiny and kind of unreal.

After that we went to a souvenir market at Lenin Hills (Oh-- I also saw the graves of Stalin and Brezhnev and stiff...) and I bought a lot of the gifts I needed to get for people. Then we went back to the dorm for lunch and then a group of us went back to the market.

It was really muggy out and a long walk from the metro station the market and Ally, Tricia and I were tired. I finished all of the gifts I had to get and then Ally and I caught a ride back to the metro station and home from there.

That night we all assembled to go to a Georgian restaurant right near the dorm. It was good... we had kabobs and some kind of cheese bread and braised vegetables and wine. After dinner we went out and bought some drinks... vodka, vodka, vodka! and hung out in Dan's room for a few hours.

Losing it in Moscow

And patterns of rushing blood to steaming cheeks and choking swallows of shame follow me softly in ghostly blue streets and through the corridors.

And the bus jerks my hand, but I refuse to look at Rainbow Moscow and wonder about the colors painted against the slick pomade black hearts (and can I really buy a dagger?).

And yellow strips under Romanian scarves sewn with Bulgarian roses. To always be asking "What Have I Done?" (King Triton!) is to forever be on the run.

An era has ended and just in time too. Things were starting to melt into air and I was beginning to spill through my shirt and let the filthy water from the fountain fill my mouth and expose the foundation...

And I am terribly, terribly sorry about everything. I AM! But apologies fall on burned retinas with bursts of sarcasm spiked milk and marked voids and I wonder if five weeks is the longest that I can hold out without showing it... I'll start timing maybe, and entertain myself with "natural law."

And I don't want to look out the window anymore... But with windows, really, I always knew that I was never looking out, but always looking in, surrounded by the infinite white spaces of truth and envying the safety of the fire mantle.

Boarding the Train

Today we had to be at our "graduation ceremony" at 10:00 AM and everyone was absolutely exhausted. They asked us all questions in Russian and none of us could answer them-- how embarrassing! After the ceremony, I was too tired to go out and nobody could get anywhere near the Peter and Paul Fortress, so I decided to stay home and pack, which I desperately needed to do. I did that and alternated with watching the funeral on TV.

I think that at some point I took a nap.

At about 10:00 PM we all assembled to go to Moscow. All together it was nine of us-- Dan, Page and the two Italian girls and Diana. Victor and Xenia came for the bus ride to the Moscow station. Carrying my luggage was absolute hell. I wanted to pass out! Thank God that Victor helped me. Anyway-- we walked around the station for a while because the two Italians and Diana had to go on an earlier train because they couldn't get tickets on ours. I was singing Broadway songs in the train station.

Finally, it was time to get on the train. There was a huge gap between the train and the platform and I was afraid that my luggage was going to fall in. Luckily, though, it didn't. We pulled all our lives through the most narrow hallways imaginable. (Literally--there was not even an inch on either side of my suitcase). And we made it to an even more ridiculously small cabin where we had to squeeze in four of us and our luggage. (Me, Ally, Katherine and Tricia.) It was really fun though. We were laughing and took a lot of pictures.

Ally and Katherine both had to use the bathroom and said that it was a smelly hole that emptied onto the tracks. I determined that I would hold it in for the whole 8 hours. (Midnight-8:00 AM). Finally, around 2:00 AM we fell asleep, listening to music and talking...

The Tsar's Funeral

Anyway, I changed, but skipped breakfast and the "elective" tests that only David ended up taking. Slowly, everyone else woke up . We hung out at home for a while, but all wanted to be downtown after lunch to see the Tsar's funeral procession. We were running late and the whole city was in a deadlock.

In the subway on the way down, though, I bumped into John Isham-- my Russian teacher at Columbia. We rushed madly down Nevsky from "Gostiny Dvor" to the "Hermitage" and made it there to see the colorful crowds and helicopters. The procession was really simple-- black vans with the coffins and purple vans carrying soldiers and important persons, etc. There was some military music, but the most impressive thing was all of the soldiers in their uniforms.

Overall, though, the whole thing was really low-key.

After the procession, Ally, Katherine and I all went to McDonald's for dinner where we bumped into Tricia and David on their way to the ballet.

After that, we headed back to the dorm for Dan's going away party. He and Karen had been cooking and preparing all day. We were just a little bit late, but there was good food-- salad (a big luxury here!), and little toasted sandwiches and "trash can" punch. I stayed so late with Tricia and David and Diana and Melissa-- even after Dan went to bed. (Diana is a student studying at the university. She's from Croatia.)

Anyway, we were up really, really late and I had been up all the night before. I'm not even sure what time I fell asleep...

Booze and GoldenFinch

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! I can't leave here and it is only worse and worse and worse because I have fallen so much in love with the sky and all of the clouds are nothing but illustration here and I sit in the shadows of sunlight against his ancient iron drapes and skirts of fantasy with cool dreams of Mexico pressed up against my neck and gliding softly down my throat.

And I have no cares, no cares, no cares and I really don't care about anything except for the bright blue and white molding that teases the sky in imitation and the hot arms of my hair against my neck and my eyes read "S'KCEB" and I smile! smile! smile!

And I miss no one and nothing and I have been reborn! reborn! reborn! (When will the baby die? Or is she a still life? I mean still born?)

God, please stop eternity now and never make me leave!

DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE!!!

**************************

Later, well 5:00 AM Russian time and I'm still up with a pounding headache and fucked as all hell. I just spent $500 on a phone call to GoldenFinch and I wonder just how I will explain that one. But chocolate, coke, rock and my headache make sense of everything all over again and I infinitely wonder why the HELL I do that to her over and over and I want to fucking kill myself for screwing it all up again (as usual!).

I have only four more hours to go (4 fucking hours!) until 9:00 AM and life scalds me again and no wonder he was pissed!

I can see the scars and even I realize that I am a maniac (the fucking optimist!). And that this headache is worse than almost any (and why the fuck COULDN'T I stay out until now???) You god damn roach Patsy Cline! Oh Go... Patti Smith... not you! Not now!

Anyway, this is a dead city (Longs to be Free) Seven screaming horses mating in the sun!

Oh God! My head has never been worse and I want to cower in fear and I wonder how long it will be until I am not drunk anymore. And I wonder how GoldenFinch could have said I babbled! How could she have called it "aggravating babble about the pointless nature of life?!?" You know what? Screw her if that's what she thinks! And if that's what she believes it all is!

I should really go shield my t-shirt. Maybe around 7:00 AM I will do it. I want to reread Crime and Punishment all tonight. But I know I never will and I want to drink that coke, but fear losing the taste of night that still lingers softly in my mouth. (Ne me quitte pas!) But I know that they all will!

Well, Jacques, what do you and I need them for anyway? They want to know one but they know only lies, lies, lies. And I can't believe that I was willing to light the dorm on fire for all of this. (God! My head!!!)

And the sun has already come up and leaves me desperately scratching (at) beneath all the surfaces (regeir le feu!).

Oh God, my head will kill me now! Oh anguish! Oh agony! O Melodrama! :) Ne me quitte pas!

Anyway, so I have been hearting after him anew (my savior, that is), only he has a new name and a new face and I want my bag and I haven't slid down a wall like that for over a year, and it frightens me how easy and how familiar it all was.

(God, though... I am grateful that GoldenFinch wants to see me and so does Anxious) .

And I wonder how they escaped all of this agony.

I'm going to get my shirt now. I'll be right back.

Okay, so I'm back and I've popped two no-name pills, although I still feel like shit (snowblind now...woosh! Ooh! Ooh!)

And I am sorry that no one was impressed and that I only appeared hopelessly fucked for the whole show. Maybe after this one (2) I will have the coke. (After meeting my lips with wasted striped felt and moldy gray bread.)

Anyway, I am getting tired fo writing... but still have over three hours to go...

Up in the Club

Today I was supposed to go to the art lecture, but I completely skipped out. Everyone else went, though, but I stayed in my room and sang my guts out. Then I went down to meet everyone at the "Grand Hotel Europe" at 5:00 PM. I was Nathan waiting for the trolley and he showed me some new way to go on Express Bus.

I got there early on the new easy route, so I sat down at the cafe by Kazan and bought a few drinks. Then I met everyone and we went over to Carrolls by Gostiny Dvor to eat dinner. After that, Blakeslee, Ally and Katherine went home. I waled David and Tricia to meet Nathan and Kelley at Moika to do a canal tour. We were all supposed to meet up again at 9:00 PM.

To kill time, Ally and I went to the cafe in the Grand Europe and had the most delicious coffee. Then we met everyone else on Nevsky and Fontanka. We all started walking down Fontanka and were chivalrously rescued by David from two drunks on the way.

Finally, we got to the club-- "Manhattan." It was pretty cool, but there was live Russian rock music that generally sucks. We all had so much fun though. It was me, Ally, Tricia, Katherine, David and Blakeslee. Blakeslee was hitting on some guy with a cane. We bought Dutch cigars and met two Polish sailors.

The ride home was the best though-- we rushed out of there at 1:45 AM to make the bridges and the first taxi that we piled into wouldn't take us. Everyone was really drunk, so we got into two cabs-- Ally and Blakeslee in one and the rest of us in the other. We kept telling the driver (Andrei-- who gave us his number), saying "I love you" and "I want you." Tricia said her name was Tatiana. David was worried we were too friendly. Then we all started reciting our poems. It was hysterical.

When we got home, making it across the construction site was another story. Anyway-- it was like crossing the Sahara and I had all sand in my shoes, but we finally made it. Everyone came back to my room to hang out. Katerine got sick and David and Blakeslee got in a fight. It was all pretty funny though.

Katherine wanted to go to sleep, so the rest of us went to talk int he lounge. I guess we were being loud because the "grandma" kept coming out to yell at us to be quiet and we were all hyper. Tricia and Blakeslee were hiding behind the couch. Blakeslee went to bed soon after that and it was the three of us up talking again. I still had a lot of energy though, so I called Christine and read People Magazine about Prince William and listened to my walkman. Before I knew it, it was 8:30 AM and all of the Frenchies were waking up for breakfast. I was still sitting in the lounge.

At some point, Katherine came out to look for me, thinking I had fallen asleep out there. It was cute...

The Summer Gardens and Summer Poems

Today was our Russian grammar test all morning. It was pretty annoying because after the test we had class-- Ally was pissed about something on the test and didn't come back.

After the test, Ally, Katherine and I headed out to go see the Summer Gardens and Mars Field. It was really beautiful and we just walked around and hung out for a long time.

We decided to go to Pizza Hut for dinner. On the Moika, (North of Nevsky), we found a big Western department store were I was able to buy more "finesse" conditioner. Dinner at Pizza Hut was usual... Then we headed home.

We had to memorize the poems for the Oral part of our test (Katherine's "Milo, Milo! " Mine--"я сегоня лягу ранше") Anyway, after that-- to bed!

Getting Drunk is Never Enough

So, in the dim blue hues of the night, I try to eke out form against, against the bitter stain on my tongue and to the pounding of my heart... And my forehead bubbles and hums and if only she had picked up the phone! But I have the feeling that I would fully detest her for all of that and that I even detest her for her full mailbox.

And I have learned to freedom in recreation but never ever love. And I long for the sweetness of those words to be born on another's lips, on the day I can release my eyes from pain and free my head from its senseless stupor.

And coke even burns now, through a scalding syrup (I almost made my "r" in Cyrillic). It scrapes outside the insides of the stomachs of children and leaves them floating in a pool of beautiful and happy trees and fat cows.

My memory aches. It convinces me of the sturdiness of eternity because it is sealed in wax and I burn, burn, burn in choked gasps and disappointment and lies against this radioactive skyline.

(But the buildings are gone! The buildings are gone!)

Studying... or Not...

Today nobody did much because we were supposed to be studying for our big exam tomorrow.

After class I emailed for a while and then read and wasted a lot of time. Nobody really got any studying done though.

After dinner I made a run to the 24 часа and we all got vodka and Tricia painted David's toenails... so much for studying! We all went to bed really late.

Peterhof and an All Night Party and a Real Russian Dinner

Today was a really fun day. We woke up early and all assembled outside to get on the bus to Peterhof. Melissa was flipping out about whether or not we were getting lunches.

Anyway, the bus ride was kind of bumpy but okay. I mostly listened to my walkman.

First we saw the Chinese Palace, not quite at Peterhof. It was so beautiful, but we had to walk for a really long time and it was hot out. After that we headed to Peterhof where I was completely stunned. The fountains were absolute perfection and trumpets sounded and the water sparkled and it was indescribably wonder-- the best ever!!

We walked around there for a while and I waded in the Gulf of Finland. It was so hot and I really wanted to run in a fountain, so I did. I got absolutely drenched. It was so much fun. When we got home, everyone was pretty tired, but we had all agreed earlier on going out.

It took us a while to get our act together, but we finally went out for drinks at "The Idiot." We were there for a long time and none of us really wanted to go home at all, so I hailed us a cab to get to some club that David knew (called "Metro.").

When we got there, we realized that it was 1:40 AM and the bridges were closing, so Ally, Katherine and Melissa went home. Tricia, David and I (the party trio!) decided to stay out all night. We went into the club. The lighting was really kind of cheesy-- eighties laser beams, but with a tough crowd. Tricia and David danced a lot. I met a couple named Tatiana and Igor and talked to Igor for a long time.

Later on in the evening, I met some Italian guy-- Ernesto and some Russian guy that he was trying to communicate with and translated for them between Italian and Russian. The Russian guy really liked me and kept offering to walk me home, etc. He even invited me back to his apartment. By this time, it was almost 6:00 AM, though, so I said "no" and the three of us headed back home.

I bought a beer in the street and Tricia and I sang Bon Jovi on the subway when guess who we bumped into? The Russian guy! Anyway, we managed to dissuade him and made it back to the dorm.

The three of us stayed up in the lounge talking for a while. I cut my finger and then went down to breakfast at 9:00 AM after a shower.

The next day:

I was all ready to go shopping at noon with Katherine and Ally, but at some point I completely passed out and fell asleep and never made it.

The rest of Sunday was basically spent recuperating and doing homework. Oh, wait-- that was wrong. We had to eat dinner with a real Russian family. Ally and Katehrine and I met some guy named Dmitri downstairs at 6:00 PM. He was Olga's husband. Olga was a teacher at the university. She had two songs-- Sasha and Nikolai. Their friends came over later to meet us too. They were all university age. And their little grandma was there, who was born in 1904 and was SO sweet!

They completely catered to us with wine, champagne, coke and a Russian soda called "Kvass," made from bread. All the food was really good, but we were there forever. Nobody seemed to say anything about us going and before we knew it, it was almost midnight. It was kind of a weird thing.

Finally, Katherine told them that the dorm was closing, so Dmitri drove us home. Then homework and to sleep.

Chillin' in St. Petersburg

Today was not too super eventful. After class we headed into the City Center to go to the Art class. The class was really long and Ally and Katherine left early to change money. By the time I left to meet them at the Grand Hotel Europe, they were gone. I headed home alone and read the Art book that I bought.

When I got home, I did email for a really long time and then just had leftover pizza for dinner.

Literary Tears

And I just finished reading Crime and Punishment and I wept all the time because I want the book marked into my memory for eternity. And my eyes flash too, but they only burn me....

I wonder if Raskolnikov's "epiphany" is the truth, because he is like me.. He wouldn't "Fall" or be swayed by the stupidity of convention. And besides, I see him.

I want to read it again and again and again and embrace the recognition of my soul.

Perhaps I will start right now...

The Smolny Insitute and Nevsky Cemetary

Today after class we all piled into the bus, as usual, to go to the Smolny Institute. It used to be a girls school for aristocratic girls before the Revolution, but then the Bolshevik government was there (before it moved to Moscow) and Lenin had apartments there. It was pretty cool to see.

They had crazy security and some man had to follow us like an escort. When our tour was done we went to check out the Cathedral. It is beautiful from the outside, but the inside was closed except for the gift shop. I didn't buy anything though.

When I was leaving, an ash blew in my eye. It took us all to coordinate where we were going and because of conflicting opinions on the best route, we split up to go to the Metro. Incidentally, we all arrived there at the exact same time.

Melissa and Nathan and Kelly went home, but Tricia, Ali, Katherine, David and I all went to Patio Pizza for dinner. Katherine was cranky and just read her book. There was really weird music playing and David and I were laughing about it and singing along. After that, Tricia and David went home and the three of us went to see the Nevsky cemetery.

It was absolutely breathtaking. We weren't allowed to take pictures though, so we were laughing, trying to hide from the guy who worked there. We saw Tchaikovsky, Glinka, Mussorgsky, Borodin, Dostoevsky, and more.

After the cemetery, I bought two (?) in the gift shop and we headed home.

Blackout

BLACKOUT

Blackout

No Memory.

Blackout.

I don't remember this day. :(

The Night of Tchaikovsky

Today Dan woke us up at 6:30 AM and we had to rush to pack, hand in our sheets and be out by 7:00 AM. It was a hellish morning.

We were all gross from not showering and the toilets on the boat were pretty disgusting too. A bus picked us up from the docks and took us back to the dorm, but all this took a while (like everything in Russia!).

Anyway, we were back by 8:30 and I jumped in the shower, felt SO much better and went down for breakfast at 9:00. After breakfast, I came back upstairs, caught up in my journal and at last slept some more. At 2:00, Ally woke me and Katherine up to go to Pizza Hut with her and Tricia.

We would meet the whole group at Gostiny Dvor to go to the symphony. The Kazan Cathedral was absolutely gorgeous and I paid an extra fee and went in to see the "museum of religion" part.

We were supposed to meet the group at 6:00 PM to go see Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No.1, so we sat on the benches there and hung out and gossipped about Melissa.

Then we met the group and I LOVED IT!!!! Ally was holding a pizza and had to check it in at the coat check. We cut the whole line coming out and felt like real Russians.

After the symphony we all went to a place called "Corsar's Bar," across form McDonald's and hung out for a little while. Dan and Karen came too.

(Melissa's dress and Blakeslee's tattoo comment...)

When we got home, it was just basically homework.

Burn Scars

My eyes burn for sleep, but it doesn't come.

12:30 in the afternoon and I am collapsed in bed with Puccini singing to me and these despicable oils clinging to my wrist and I shiver with horror that I let it come back that way and that I let it come here!

And that I am still stinging today and don't' know how to explain...

But it was for the sea and the ripping orange sky. I did it for the dignity of that bold and stern sun who glared so disapprovingly.

But today... today the taste lingers ceaselessly in my mouth and through the giardia-striped showers and hangs on me like a nightmare.

I want to disappear into eternity and marble and not be in a place anymore. I thought that is where I am, but he chases me and then pins me down and I stretch for the April skies with Mimi but come back with burned hands and blackened thumb-nails.

And so I chopped them all off today, only they didn't want to come...But I made them... I forced it.

But that stinging, stinging pain will not leave. And that taste and the slight nausea that hangs in my stomach... All fighting off that sleepy angel and laughing at my own mistakes. Thank god St. Petersburg has no 109 (or health care!).

Alright. I am feeling too lethargic to write anymore...

She Burns Her Wrists

(Written in a blackout)

And I'm here, burnt against the wind with the beauty and peeling orange against my skin and my cheeks and the urgency on my part and it is all closed and I wish to die and to be home in my sewers-- the sewers of the city, dead, dead, dead and away from all this smell and all this wine and the horrible choke and sweat of it all. I long to be gone, gone, gone and to hug GoldenFinch and drench her in my tears...

Later...

Oh God, help me please. I can't see except for the blacking sun and my wrist burns and burns and I want to vomit, but I can't because all I see is the black, oily sea and I need you, God! I need you!

Let me escape and drown... Oh God, give me the courage to deny the seagull and jump. I want to jump.

(Forgive me, Daddy.)

Valaam Morning

Happy Fourth!!

I forgot to mention that last night I found a piano on the boat and played for hours. The only problem is that there were some stowaways and people who paid cheap for tickets who were going to sleep in the piano lounge, so I had to boot it out around midnight.

Anyway, Dan woke us up at 7:00 AM and I hardly rolled out of bed five minutes before breakfast. Breakfast was some weird tasteless rice thing and I was so out of it so early, but they were playing Brian Adams in the dining room. The waitress was weird and made Ally and me take home some strange packaged jelly back to the room with us.

Anyway, after breakfast we all headed out to explore the island. It was so beautiful and green and we had perfect weather with streaming sun. But the mosquitoes were unnaturally large and cruel and I got hot after a while. Besides, I didn't feel that great.

Anyway, I bought a beautiful blue and silver ring and earring set from the vendor and a Nicholas II icon.

At 1:30 PM we headed back to the boat for lunch, which was gross fish soup and some inedible (uncooked?) gray lump of meat. The potatoes were okay though. Thank god we had all brought "Sac-lunches."

After lunch we were all kind of tired so we went back to the boat to read for awhile. Before you knew it, I was asleep (as were all four of us shortly) and I didn't wake up until 8:00 PM for dinner which was slightly better.

At 9:00 PM we left Valaam (so much for that.). The night was fun though and we stayed up late partying for the holiday. I think I went to bed around 3:00 AM or 4:00 AM.

Pushy Russians

TGIF!!!

We got to sleep until 11:00 AM because class didn't start until 11:45. (Missed breakfast, of course!). We only had an hour and a half of Russian today. After class was lunch and then off to the Russian Museum. Only Katherine, Kelly and I went. Everyone else cut. When we met Masha there, Page was there and David showed up later. Oh-- and some weird British girl who lives in Berlin.

The museum was REALLY hot and my back hurt, but it was a good lecture. Afterwards Katerine and I had the rush-hour metro ride from HELL! We were pushed and shoved and jammed up against so many people that my cheek was pressed against someone's back and I was desperately trying to keep my bag closed.

We saw Kelly at "Lesnaya" so all three of us caught a ride home. Our driver's name was Alexei and he "loved Americans." He was majorly hitting on us and asked for our number and gave us the name of a good club to go to. Anyway, we got home just in time for dinner and then to pack for our trip to Valaam-- beautiful islands with churches and a monastery, somewhere between Russia and Finland.

We packed really fast and then headed for the bus. When we finally got the docks, we stood around for a while waiting for the boat. There was a bride and groom on our boat on their honeymoon. It was horrible getting on the boat. Everyone was pushing and it smelled. I felt like a Russian immigrant on her way to America.

Once we got settled, it was nice though. Our cabin was me, Katherine, Ally and Blakeslee.

The water was perfect and the sky and the sunset were even more spectacular. We basically spent the night hanging out in the bar. Later, at around 1:45 AM, Nathan, David and I went to the nightclub on deck. Finally, I went to be at around 2:30.

10,000 Sparkling Rooms

Today was Katherine's birthday. Class was as usual, with Poly Sci too. After class, we ate lunch quickly and all piled into a bus to go to the Yusupov Palace. I LOVED IT!!! It is one of my favorites. There was a beautiful theater and ten thousand sparkling rooms and I know that I had seen it...

Anyway, after that, because the palace is sort of near the Marinsky, we decided to go back on the tram, the same way as we had figured out the day before. The only problem was that we took the wrong tram and ended up somewhere along the Fontanka. (Me, Ally, Katherine and Tricia).

We eventually found our way back to Sennaya Ploschad and made our way, once more, through the slimy crowd. The metro was hot and incredibly crowded. By the time we got home it had taken us an hour and a half. Plus, we rushed because we thought we missed dinner, but it turns out that there was no dinner that night.

Anyway, Ally and I walked across to "Marta" to buy Katherine a cake and were hit on by some African students (in Russian). When we got back, we changed and did homework and then left with Tricia, Ally, David, Katherine and Melissa to go to McDonald's. We saw some guys from CT there.

We were looking for a good dance club-- this back-alley, rowdy place called "Honey Money." When we finally got there at 11:00 PM, the place was being emptied out because of a brawl. We walked along Nevsky for a really long time looking for something else to do and we finally ended up back at "Molley's." We headed home at 2:00 AM-- just in time for the bridges.

When we got back, we had cake and champagne in Dan's room and finally fell asleep around 4:00 AM.

The Crime and Punishment Tour

This morning we had Russian as usual. After class, we ate lunch and then a bunch of us headed out to do our "CRIME WALK," to see the places where the events in Crime and Punishment occurred. We didn't really know where we were going and it was out of tourist territory, but we had a great time.

We got off the metro at Sennaya Ploschad, or the "old haymarket" square. It was a huge, hot and crowded place with hundreds of vendors. There were a million little grandmas holding up scallions and dill and a hundred sleazy men looking to pickpocket everyone coming out of the subway station. We were afraid to look like tourists and open the map so we did it in some dark corner.

Anyway, we finally "got our bearings" and headed on. (By the way-- Sennaya Ploschad is where Raskolnikov hears Lizaveta talking about her plans to be out.) Anyway, we saw Raskolnikov's apartment and were really scared going into the dingy, slummy building. We also saw the pawn shop owner's apartment.

After that, we walked over to the Marinsky Theater because I wanted to look inside, but it was closed. Right across the street was "Shamrock"-- an Irish bar that Ally wanted to try. We headed over there and sat for hours, mostly debating the most widely debated topic in St. Petersburg-- the Tsar's burial.

We headed home at around 11:00 PM and did homework and went to sleep.