The Hermitage

Today I woke up early to call home again so I could talk to my mom and BigSis. After that, I went down to breakfast and to class. After class, we ate lunch and then Katherine, Ally and I headed out to the Hermitage. First we stopped off at Grand Europe to change money. Then we hopped on the trolley bus and got to the Hermitage.

We saw the impressionists (Renoir, Monet and Van Gogh) and 2 big Picasso rooms and Matisse. And then we saw some Faberge.

I bought a beautiful book about Nicholas II and one about the Hermitage.

We started to walk towards the Moika at 6:00 PM to go to The Idiot. We passed a beautiful old bookstore and inside they had actual posters from WWI and beautiful old leather bound books in so many languages! We couldn't afford anything, though, so we left.

When we got to the Idiot, Nathan, Kelly, David, Tricia and Blakeslee were all already there. There was no room at their table, though, so we sat separately. It was happy hour too. We stayed there pretty late and then headed home to do homework.

We were up late and could hear everyone crying out down the hall at odd intervals because they were watching the world cup. Katherine and I were hyper and did our homework until late and then went to sleep.

The Palace of Pretend

Itching ankles and undone homework and Brian Adams and missing the sweaty taste of Times Square and nicotine and dark eyeliner...

I just checked my email and Amac wrote that VJ is really sick... I don't know why, but it drives me crazy to be here and to be so disconnected. I feel some repulsive and sickening addiction to my life at school... It's as if my heart pounds at is separation from life and I dance in limbo now, outside of any reality and nothing is the home it may appear.

And I feel like my life is a process crippled and then teased by the summer. But God, I want to be home at school and have myself back (although that is always what I seem to be trying to run the farthest from). (Je suis Kleinzack. Crick Crack!) And I miss them (him) I do... I do...

(Swallow the Gold!!! Just do it!!!)

I hope VJ's okay.

***************************************

6/29 still and at the ballet. A beautiful theater of red, white and gold-- a new favorite combination. And (blessed day) I am sitting by chance alone...

We dot the landscape and I can only think of the brilliance of the 18th century and the colors that come only from imagination and the harp will be my heart tonight and things feel right in this palace of pretend and I know that the cowboy will kill me and I know where I wish to stand...

And now as I wait for it to begin, I feel my eyes start to burn and wonder what will happen when the music surges up and will I sleep?

"Vive la guerre eternelle," he said.

And what language is this?

(None... no language... Vive la guerre eternelle).

And the floating sounds of an instrument in practice hang like question marks on the crystal ropes of the chandelier.

Translate! Translate!

And a man below waves his hand in frustration (no, I take it back,more like irritation). And people packed like cattle begin to groan. A slow hiss whispers warnings to us all, but goes unnoticed beneath the overbearing "A" causing my spine to straighten and my hair to stand on ends. And I see the windows reflected in his glasses and wonder if he is a Flemish (Dutch?) still life. Or only art as deep as the painted carving on these candied wrappers.

Things are about to begin so I should stop, but somehow, I don't want to until I have to. (When there is turquoise light in my eyes). Because the stream (as it has not done in so long) has taken hold of me and pulled me by the weight of my hair. And although I love the music, I just remembered that I hate the ballet and wonder what I am even doing here.

And I only want to hear the harp, the harp, the harp!

And then to go home and call LilSis and then to go home... When will it start? The "A" broke free long ago.

And why aren't "Socialism" and "National Socialism" the same thing?

Ah! If only for red, gold and white, beating hearts shouldn't be bleeding hearts.

********************************

(A-D-E-F-G-AAA-F-AAA-F-AAA-D-F-E-A-F-DDDDD)

a song or poem about a court jester who is absolutely merry but waxen makeup and at the end kills himself is not missed. Crime and Punishment, the movie.

Where are you now???

Okay... Two and a half hours and the ballet would be perfect if over. Unfortunately, after a second intermission, it is only about to begin again.

My tongue burns. And someone smells.

The Ballet

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, LIL'SIS!

Today we had our usual three hour language class. After class we did nothing, only ate lunch and lounged around. At 5:00 PM we had dinner (an hour early) and then came upstairs to get ready for the ballet.

We all headed out on the trolley-bus and then metro to the "Alexandersky Theater" to see Swan Lake. Our tickets weren't located together so we had to pick out of a hat and I ended up with a pretty good seat and sitting alone.

The theater was absolutely beautiful. The ballet was wonderful, too, although I usually don't love the ballet. I really enjoyed it.

After the ballet I went to Carrolls, some German fast food place at Gostiny Dvor with Melissa and Ally. I had a stomach ache and didn't eat anything. After that it was pretty late and we came back.

I called LilSis for her birthday and then called VJ. Then I did my homework and went to sleep really late.

On the Canals

Today was pretty lazy. Katherine and Ally woke me up at 2:00 PM. I thought that I had missed lunch, but luckily it was "bag lunch" and mine was in the fridge.

We decided to go to the Summer Gardens and Mars Field because there wasn't really enough time for any museums. We got off the metro at Gostiny Dvor and first wen to the Hotel Grand Europe to exchange money at the Amex office, but it was closed. Then we started walking up the Griboedova Canal (towards "Spilled Blood") and I noticed that it was such a beautiful day out. So, I asked them if they wanted to do one of the water taxis around the canals. (There are SO many of them!)

They agreed, so we did that, up the Griboedova, around down the Moika, across on the Kryukoval canal and back up Griboedova. The whole thing was beautiful and took about an hour.

After that, it was already 5:30 PM, so we wanted to eat quick and cheap and get home to do homework. The best (and safest!) choice was McDonald's on Bolshaya Marskaya Street (one street further down on Nevsky than Moika-- parallel to the Pizza Hut). Anyway, we ate (yum, yum!) and headed home where after doing homework, I have been writing in this journal FOREVER!

(It's 11:10 PM and I think I'm finally caught up and I think I'm going to read some more Crime and Punishment.)

(PS: Russian women LOVE fluorescent pink lipstick. PPS: Katherine lost her shoe on the trolley bus today.)

The Knotted Throat

"The knot of tears around your throat are crystallizing into your design."

Novgorod and a beautiful quiet that I could not buy and remembering words of years ago... (3) when in Spain I was told that it was cool that I was all in black and I remember what Mr. Sun said too... about being all in black...

Novgorod

Today Katherine and I both woke up at 6:30 AM, headed down to breakfast at 7:00 and realized we were dining alone. We had made a mistake and arrived there half an hour early.

After we ate, I came upstairs and took half an hour nap, but Katherine woke me up to meet the bust at 8:00. The bus ride to Novgorod was really long (four hours!) and we got a flat tire along the way. I read Crime and Punishment the whole time.

Novgorod is the oldest city in Russia, founded in the 800's and has the oldest Orthodox Church. (The Church of St. Sofia). There is a dove perched on the cross on top of the church (in stone) and here is why:

Ivan the terrible killed seven thousand people in Novgorod and the dove flew up to the top of the cross and saw the rivers of blood and turned to stone and then forever after protected the city.

The church was beautiful but needed some restoration on the inside-- there were thousands of beautiful icons. After seeing the church we walked over to the beach (a sanded beach on the river). It was beautiful out and I got sunburned-- so much for our new sweaters!

There's a story about the water too--

There was a Prince Volchov who lived in Novgorod and didn't want to marry. His parents were worried so he promised them if he could go abroad for a year that he would marry. When he was away he fell madly in love with a beautiful woman-- Ladiva-- and brought her many gifts and she kept saying that it was not enough and he kept bringing more and finally, she turned him into river (she was really a witch) and herself into a lake and she forever made him keep bringing her things.

Anyway, we ate lunch on the beach and then crossed a bridge and saw some more old churches. One church-- the "Church of St. Friday" is supposed to bring a woman a husband if she walks around it three times. (We all did it for fun). We went into some souvenir shop there where the lady was really nice and made me take a picture of Ally holding dolls. There was the most beautiful handmade quilt I had ever seen (for $50) but I didn't have enough roubles. It was SO pretty though. I can't stop thinking about it.

After that, we all got back on the bus and drove up towards the monastery. There was also a museum of wooden architecture there. What is was was a bunch of cabins, churches, etc. taken from really old villages in Northern Russia. It was in a beautiful woods and I made a crown out of grass and purple flowers.

After that (at about 5:00 PM) we headed over to the monastery. It is an actual living monastery with monks living there. We weren't allowed to take any pictures inside and the girls had to wear long skirts and have their heads covered. There were two monks raking haystacks in the middle of the courtyard, but besides that we didn't see anyone. After the monastery we got back on the bus and I read another hundred pages of Crime and Punishment.

The bus dripped us off in the city center by Moskovskaya Station and we walked the other way down Nevsky to Patio Pizza. My shins hurt REALLY badly and I could hardly walk. I think it's from all the walking we've been doing.

The food there (Italian) was actually pretty good. After that, we all came home, changed into pj's, hung out for a while and around 1:00 AM went to sleep. I WAS DEAD TIRED.

The Idiot

Today we had our regular Russian class in the morning (after a mad rush to get our homework done that nobody felt like doing when we got back last night!). Class didn't start until 11:45 AM. Katherine and I both overslept and missed breakfast, but made it to class.

After class we ate lunch here and then met Masha who was bringing us to the Russian Museum for our art history class. The museum was beautiful and the icons were breathtaking. But, like everything else in this city, it is depressing how much the Germans stole or destroyed during the war.

After class (at 4:30), Katherine, Ally Tricia, Melissa and I all headed over to a thrift store called "Second Hand" on a street off Nevsky, right opposite Gostiny Dvor. It had been really cold out for the past few days. I got a sweater and a scarf. Some of the girls got long skirts, too, to go to the monastery the next day at Novgorod. Everything was really cheap.

After that, Melissa went home and the rest of us headed up to the market behind "Spilled Blood" so that I could buy a head covering (which I did). By this point, we were all really hungry so we decided to go to this trendy vegetarian/literary coffee house further South down the Moika (No. 84) called "the Idiot," for the Dostoevsky novel.

The food there was Russian (but really good). I had fried potatoes and mushrooms and red wine and fried farmers cheese with honey for dessert. We were there for a really long time. (Service was slow and we all had tea and dessert). We finally headed home (exhausted) around 9:30 PM.

We stayed up really late talking, etc. We finally got to bed at around 3:00 AM (which was terrible, because the next day we had to wake up for Novgorod!)

A Typical Russian Afternoon

Okay... this is becoming pretty routine. Class was the same, meals were the same, blah, blah, blah...

Oh, actually, we had that political science class again today. After class I went t0 check email and wrote back to everyone. Then I came back upstairs to take a tap (so did Katherine) because we were both exhausted. I couldn't really fall asleep though, so I started to read Crime and Punishment.

A few hours later, I woke Katherine up and we went down for dinner.

After dinner, the whole group headed to the trolley bus to see "Petersburg Mosaic." It was at some old palace on Nevsky, right off Ploschad Vostania. I'm not really that into dance, so I didn't love it, but it was fun. They changed costumes every two minutes and had these huge smiles and there was a disco ball going that was kind of funny. They even did one dance to Hava Negilah. There was some weird Russian traditional singer too.

After the show, everyone (except Blakeslee) decided to go to "Molly's Irish Pub" which was nearby. On the way, Katherine wanted to stop to get cigarettes, so I went with her and then we had trouble finding the bar. We eventually got there, though.

The bartenders all spoke English and were very cute. We stayed there for hours and hours debating the death penalty and our criminal reform system. It was fun.

Finally, to make the bridge closing at 2:00 Am, we all took a taxi back at around 1:00 AM.

Take my Breath Away

Today we had breakfast and class as usual. After lunch the whole group got together to go on a tour of the Hermitage, guided by Masha. We got to take a bus there (thank God! Some relief from the insanity of public transportation here!). But, unfortunately, the bus was kind of scary itself. It kept grinding as it changed gears and it could hardly make it over the trolley tracks.

Anyway, we finally got to the Hermitage. It was beautiful and windy and crisp and cold out and my eyes kept blurring. Masha took us through all of the different rooms and it was the most breathtaking museum I have ever seen. I saw the Winter Garden, fabulously beautiful paintings and an absolutely majestic palace. The only thing that sucked was that there were a lot of tour groups from cruise ships there. We were there until around 5:00 PM.

Katherine, Ally and I had opera tickets so we had to find somewhere to eat fast. The closest, quickest and easiest thing was Pizza Hut so we did that again. After dinner we headed back up the Moika and to the Mussorgsky Theater.

I had to change into heels because I wore my sandals to the Hermitage. Anyway, we bought programs and went into the theater. I was sitting next to some weird German guy and his wife. The opera was absolutely amazing. I was not bored for a single second, even without any titles. And the singing was phenomenal. I almost wanted to cry at all of ti.

The opera ended really early-- at like 10:30 because they only did one intermission instead of two.

On the way back when were were getting on the psycho subway escalator, I noticed some guy put his arm around Katherine's waist to guide her on. I looked at her strangely, but none of us knew what to do because we were stuck next to him on the escalator.

When we got off the escalator, he started to follow us and when we stopped, he stopped. Even waiting for the trolley, he followed us and was staring at us. We were all scared he would follow us home, so I hailed a cab and we all jumped in. When we got home, everyone was hanging out in Daniel's room, drinking beer and watching soccer so we hung out there for a while. Finally, at around 2:00 AM we went to bed.

PS: The world cup is huge everywhere else in the world.
PPS: Katherine said that they guy probably followed us because I was singing Bon Jovi on the subway. (Talk about not blending in).

Shopping in St. Pete's

Today we had some energy back. After class, Katherine, Ally, and I took off to go shopping for sweaters because all of a sudden it was freezing here! We first went to Gostiny Dvor, a big "department store." It's this big central store with a metro and everything right on Nevsky. They sell everything. But the clothes weren't that nice and they were really expensive.

We left there and walked around for a while on Nevsky, looking in a lot of stores but not really finding anything. We shopped and shopped and shopped without buying until we were exhausted and hungry. Then we started looking for a cafe. Ally wanted to eat in this German fast food place-- "Grill master."

Finally, we found a good place by "Spilled Blood." It's sort of a Western bar. I had Chicken Kiev and fries. After dinner we headed home to do homework, etc. But on the way, back to the metro we passed the Mussorgsky Theater and went in. We got tickets for the next night to see Boris Godunov in the orchestra for $7.00!!! (25r). Some creepy American guy was there and asked us to help him read the sign.

Indistinct

Today was such a lazy day. We were so exhausted from the day before that we had all these grand plans to go out, but after class everyone sort of came back and napped. It was basically an uneventful day. I can't even remember anything distinct that happened.

Romanov Tombs

Today right after breakfast, Katherine, Ally, Tricia and I left for Peter and Paul Fortress. We did some really great metro maneuvering with two transfers after Lesnaya. When we got there we first went into the church to see all of the tombs. Everyone was there from Peter I to Alexander III. I had the chills. You could smell their bones in this city of ghosts! I took ten billion pictures.

After that, we walked around a little and I bought my stepfather some Soviet coins. I also got myself a Nicholas II egg.

Then we went into the prison where Lenin's brother was kept for the attempted assassination Alexander III. Dostoevesky was there and other famous prisoners as well. (Gorky, I think?) The cells were so small and dark and we got to see the room for solitary confinement. It was so scary. After that, we went to the St. Petersburg History Museum. They had a lot of cool stuff there, but we couldn't read the cards because they were only in Russian, so it was a little boring without knowing what everything was.

Then we went to the Air and Space Museum there, which is not really up my alley. Finally, there was a small wax museum exhibit in a tent. Katherine and I really wanted to go in because we thought that it would be all the Tsars, but it wasn't. It was wax figures of these weird circus freaks and some weird guy in the tent kept talking to us, so we left quickly.

After that, we left the fortress and took the metro back to Nevsky. Then we walked to Pizza Hut. We were all so hungry and sick of Russian food! Plus, they had the menu in English, and it was the best Pizza I ever ate.

After lunch, we walked along the Moika (my favorite street!) and back to Nevsky and up to the church on "Spilled Blood," built on the site where Alexander II was assassinated. On the way up, I met an artist painting the cathedral and stopped to talk to him. I bought his painting.

There was a big souvenir market behind the church where we shopped around for a while. BY this time, it was around 6:00 PM and we tried to buy a ticket into the church, but it was closed. That was out of the question, we headed home.

We didn't get dinner on Sunday and I got hungry, so I tried to make some of that soup, but it came out really gross. Then Katherine, Ally and I just hung out and talked and did our homework.

If I Let it All Crumble...

Anyway, today to Tsarskoe Selo and things are certainly heating up. Today I even wished to be away from all this because (I'm telling you now) my mind throbs and my heart breaks...

Atlas shrugs no more, but I feel as if I am she and the weight of the world, or at least of the Catherine Palace presses on the back of my neck and I stroke my spine and beg for strength because I will die and can not hold such a mighty palace atop the water any longer, but a part of me, a very secret unrecognized part, knows that I will because I have to... because I have to...a and I wonder what would happen if I let it all crumble... if I let go of it all...

And glassy eyed I am trapped in a chip of the amber wall, fossilized at birth and drowned in my own sticky sweetness...

But I breathed his air! And I smoothed my fingers over the same space. And I SAW the study and I went inside until I was sick as I am sick now. It makes me physically nauseous and so I met the rain and (papa!) as they say "size does matter" and those bulging brass buttons spoke measures and Alexei's beaded glass saddle and the silver costumed dressed that I'd imagined so often... Fuck!

Who was I? Where was I? (This is dumb!) (I don't care.)

Footsteps and fragments of a lost language echo outside my window now and i can not breathe, I can not can not can not breathe and I long to give in-- why can't I? I long to meet your eyes and hear your answers, my sweet.

I long for the reunion. Fuck time! I think it has me... (Perhaps it does...) (NO, NEVER!)

I'm getting closer...

Tsarskoe Selo

Today we woke up pretty early, had our usual breakfast and headed out to Tsarskoe Selo-- you can only imagine how excited I was. When we first arrived at the town (which is now called Pushkin), I caught sight of the Alexander Palace from the corner of my eye and it was this weird flash of recognition.

Anyway, the bus pulled up outside the Catherine Palace. It was absolutely magnificent-- bright blue and gold. Anyway, it was really crowded and there were a lot of tour-groups shopping at the usual kiosks in the lobby. We had to pay 2p to go to the bathroom.

Finally, our tour guide came to let us in. We had to wear special slippers over our shoes so we wouldn't ruin the floors. And absolutely no pictures were allowed. The main staircase was absolutely beautiful. IT was all carved white marble with blood red curtains. A cupid sleeping and cupid waking were at each side of the staircase where the sun rose and fell. The palace as a whole left me absolutely breathless (literally). It was as decadent as Versailles and all done in Russian Baroque and Classical Styles. There were rooms such as the Chinese room with that as its motif, etc. Anyway, the palace overall was unforgettable!

After that we went to have lunch at a small area on the lake (pond?) with tables. (We brought lunch.) And after lunch we split up to walk around. Ally, Katherine and I went together and we took tons of pictures. We walked through the park for about two hours. It started to drizzle just as we were making our way back to the Catherine Palace to meet the group.

Once assembled, we all headed over (by now rather damp) to the Alexander Palace--to where Nicholas lived. It was just reopened this year. Inside, I walked in the rooms that they lived in, saw their clothes, their things, their home! I'm not even sure how to describe what it was like here because I can't, and besides I know it inside anyway.

When we were getting ready to leave, it started to pour, heavier than I've ever seen and there were repeated loud and foreboding claps of thunder. I still hadn't taken pictures outside the palace though, and there was no way I was going to miss it, so I ran out into the rain like a lunatic and took pictures. My jacket was wet after that for two days. Shortly after that, the bus took us home.

We just hung out at the dorm in the evening and then went to sleep.

Photo Glass

I am here and I have touched the marble and it is everything that I have imagined and more and I feel myself gripped in pain on the inside and weeping, weeping! With joy, altogether, and angered too that it is all dead.

My eyes can not work hard enough and my heart feels such weight that it will sink into oblivion, but most of all, there is this burning, burning helplessness that I can't even describe in thought, let alone in words.

I had to draw on the other page because there were no photos allowed in that room, but that one room where I saw it filled. I saw it. I KNOW that I saw it then. It wasn't imagination or hallucination or anything. I saw it in memory. Recollection and then I really started to cry. I don't want any of that anymore. I tried to vomit it away last night with Baltika 6 (which I still feel sick from , by the way).

But they're all dead. All of it is dead.

And being here is like a sick joke I decided to play on myself. It's like asking a severely depressed person if they're okay and then laughing about it. Being here and all of this is really mentally trying and part of me wants to run away to as far from here as I can.

But then I remember-- that's where I live, where my life rests. And so, even sitting here, I am as far from it as I ever way and as near to it as I'll ever get.

But when I passed the window (with their Dorian drapes) and looked out onto Palace Square, I was sure that this was a photo... The sky hung still in absolute white and lacked all dimension. And its colors were gently washed and faded and I had seen that photo one thousand times. And now I was seeing it again, only life sized and next to it, but somehow my face was still desperately pressed against eh glass and I imagined what would happen if I clawed at the window and chewed on the glass.

And I saw my nails torn and my fingers bloody and my heart beat faster and faster, echoing off the wooden floor and then I saw a bus and snapped and pulled myself away and cried some more...

I don't' know ow I ever let myself get this crazy or if anyone will ever understand just how crazy I really am. But I SEE things... I see them and they drown me... There is no choice here. It is just one sick game.

And I always dig and drag myself closer and closer to a place that I'll never get... And I buy and I cry and I know that it's futile, but I can't stop...

It's like, if you've been walking up a staircase for infinity and you know you can not go down, but only up, and you also know that when you reach the top you'll be home. Not at your house, but HOME in your heart, but you also know that each step you take adds another stair to the case and you'll never get to the top... EVER!!! Could you stop and build a house on the landing?

I can't. And it makes me want to die.

The Day I Touched my Marble Staircase

Today our language class was extra short because we had the art history class. I forgot to mention that it was the same way yesterday too, for the politics class.

Anyway, after class I ate lunch and then sent an email to my mom. Katherine, Ally, Tricia and I all had plans to go to the Hermitage and Katherine was getting annoyed that Ally and Tricia were taking a long time on their email. Oh yeah-- David came with us too. We took the express bus to Lesnaya because it was already 3:00 PM. Then we took the metro to Gostiny Dvor. We walked the rest of the way to the Winter Palace. And there it was... PALACE SQUARE! And the day I touched my marble staircase.

There's more about all that in my other journal. The Hermitage is an absolutely magnificent museum though and I can't believe much of what I saw. We left the museum when it closed at 6:00 PM and went to go see Lolita at a Kino on the Nevsky, not far from the palace.

The movie theater was in a beautiful room that looked as if it had been a part of an old mansion. After the movie, we walked around a while looking for a suitable cafe, and when we finally went in we had a really hard time ordering. I had roast chicken and potatoes. Finally, at around 11:30 PM we headed home. We bumped into Blakeslee in the rain, at Lesnaya waiting for the trolley. Finally, we arrived home around midnight and hung out writing postcards etc. for a while.

The Russian Elvis on Baltika

The next day in class we were all really tired. After lunch some Russian computer guy showed us how to set up email. We basically lounged around all day today because everyone was so exhausted.

At around 6:00 PM, we all met up to go to the "JFC Jazzy Club." Two other Americans came with us, who had done full year programs here. The club was really nice. They played stuff like "As Time Goes By" and the keyboard player was getting really into it.

I had a little too much "Baltika 6" though and was telling one of the guitar players he looked like Elvis.

Anyway, I was a little sick later, but went back to sleep (we got back at around 1:00 AM.)

Impressions

Anyway, I always said that construction followed me everywhere I go and I have proved to be right again. I sit here on the marked steps of punctured drills and burning lakes inside my throat and I dream of the ancient West.

Things are wonderful here, but they feel somehow still shut to me. I can not see through the cat's glass eye and my hair (by now) is too sensitive to the sun. Also, it should be cold and crystal and shades of blue in night, but it's not. It's hot and thick and always day and I wonder about the glistening street lamps and why they have all been shut off and I long for the deep kiss of winter...

But shades of blue are brighter now, nonetheless, and although I am still mute (my voice escaped with my name in this wind!) I see the colors freshly painted on a world of cut crystal and aged marble faces in my memory...

I do not remember color and so these are the days of discovery. (Although I weep in all cotton). Actually, I don't weep. In fact, I feel very little emotion at all (for me). I feel as if I have always been here (in this life) and have no where to go.

But I burn behind a mask of nation and long to cry out to all of them "it's me!!"

But I am a stranger and although I have peered deep into her soul, to her mine has never existed. And I know now that it no longer exists (perhaps it never did), that secret space of release and comfort and I sigh with the same cynical isolation that i have crossed worlds to defeat.

"I should have known."

I see you with my stinging eyes. You meet them with the void.

cigarette case: портсигар

Bonding

Today was pretty uneventful. We had our usual schedule of classes and meals it wasn't all in all a bad day though, because we got to spend some time together and bond. I hung out a lot with Ally and Katherine. At 1:00 AM we went out with the whole group to see the bridge raising. The other American group (including our neighbors) came on the bus. Everyone was really tired.

The bridge raising was pretty cool though and a lot of people were out on the street. The two drunk kids came up and were trying to talk to us in English. It was pretty funny.

By the way-- I forgot to mention-- before the bridge thing, right after dinner, Ally, Katherine, Tricia and I went for a walk in the park behind the supermarket. It was really marsh/swamp-like land. We saw some people fishing in a lake. We all walked around and explored for a while and were really hyper and carved our names in a tree with my Swiss army knife.

Anyway, back to the bridges. We got home really late and hardly got any sleep.

Russian Transportation

Okay, so I am writing this a day later so I hope I remember everything...

That night, Katherine and I had a fly problem that was so bad. I think it was because I left the window open all day. Anyway, they kept buzzing in my ears and woke me up really early (5:30 AM!!!). We went to breakfast (same food). There is some big group of French people (all older couples ) who we always bump into and who eat next to us in the cafeteria.

Anyway, we had our first day of class. My teacher's name is Nina. She seems really nice. There are six of us in my class-- me, Ally, Melissa, David, Blakeslee and a woman named Page who says she owns a bar in DC and has her nose pierced and wears all black all the time. Class was long (10:00-1:15).

Then we got back together for lunch-- meat and potatoes. After lunch, a bunch of us all hung out and talked about regional characters and stereotypes in the US, etc. Finally we got our stuff together to go out. Daniel Drake gave us metro and trolley passes and dorm cards. We took the trolley bus to Lesnaya. A woman on the bus came up and said something to me. I thought she was homeless or something, so I just gave her a look like "no, sorry...," but it turned out that she worked on the bus and was asking for my card...

The metro here is weird. There is a super long escalator going up and down (like a ten minute ride!) and everyone crowds to get on and lines up on the escalator and stares at the people going in the opposite direction. Anyway, we got off by Moscow Station (Ploschad-- something or another!). And we started walking down Nevsky. It was really cool.

We stopped in a few shops, etc. One grocery store that we went into was decorated like an art nouveau mansion! We were out for a really long time and walked over half of the Nevsky, until we got t o a book store-- Dom Knigi, which is really big. Then we headed back.

Getting back was a lot harder because it was raining. When we got back to Lesnaya, the subway station was absolutely packed. It was insane!!! Everyone was pushing on the sidewalk. We weren't sure where the trolley bus would leave from so we sort of stood on the sidewalk where we thought it would come. When it finally came, people literally trampled each other to get on and we missed it. The next one came and we pushed to get on fast. Katherine got knocked down and David pulled her back up.

Anyway, we were one of the first ones on, but this made it harder to get off. Ally and Katherine and I got stuck and missed our stop because people wouldn't let us through. We had to walk back one stop. The rest of the night was kind of relaxing.

I am cutting this short because I have to catch up a few days...

Life and Age in St. Petersburg

Today I woke up at around 8:40 AM and met the group in the cafeteria for breakfast. There were sweet muffins, coffee cake, hard bread with butter and cheese and salami, grapefruit juice, etc.

Then we all headed upstairs to the classrooms for our program introduction by Professor Kruschkov. Then I had to take a placement test (which was impossibly hard!). Then, in some free time. I tried to make a pitcher of sanitary water with my filter and boiling it. Then I got my money matters in order. Then we met back up for lunch which was salad, soup, some meat patty that tasted (and smelled) like felafel's, but was definitely beef and potatoes.

Then we were off for the city center! We took a bus there with a tour guide. The whole city had this aura of life and age. I know that it's not as old as Paris or London, but somehow, it had more to say for itself... It's like a beautiful old woman. You can still see that she must have been radiant in her youth, but her wrinkles tell the story of her life, and so the faded dilapidated quality of it all is not negative, but is its soul.

St. Petersburg is a faded photo that is still alive.

I actually saw people swimming in the Neva. Who could imagine that happening in the Hudson?

Anyway, we went to the fortress of St. Peter and Paul and then to see the Nevsky Prospekt, the Winter Palace, etc. It wasn't so much the sights, though, because we only saw them for two minutes and didn't go in. It was the city itself (and the heat!) that left such a remarkable impression.

There are over three hundred small bridges connecting the watering passages that flow, like blood, through the city's core. Like veins, they are what gives it life.

Anyway, we changed money at the Hotel Grand Europe and headed back. I fell asleep on the bus, partially from jet lag and partially from being exhausted. Then we went across the street and bought some water at the supermarket-- Marta. (I have to remember to tell Contessa about that !)

Then, at 6:45 PM, I called home and talked to my mom straight through dinner. I went downstairs anyway, though, and ate a muffin. Then I came back up, relaxed and polished my nails and worked on my poem. I think my roommate likes to go to bed early. Lucky for me it will be light in the room because the sun is still out. Anyway, it is 10:00 PM right now.

Until later...

-h-

Russia Begins

Day 1. (June 13th)

I just found my seat on the plane and they are playing the Lakme duet! It must be an omen...

Anyway, I am still on the plane and I am getting the feeling that I won't be getting any sleep tonight. It is 10:30 PM and I'm not really tired, but we will land in two hours and I'm supposed to feel like it's 6:30 in the morning... I was kind of annoyed when I realized that there are no batteries in my walkman. Other than that, the flight is pretty uneventful. We just saw the movie Jackie Brown. And the food was really bad for dinner. I am nauseous anyway and my neck hurts. I only want to get there. Maybe if I had my walkman, I wouldn't be so cranky...

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Okay... Now it's 3:40 AM on my body and 8:40 AM here. My flight doesn't leave until 9:55 and I've already been here for two hours. Spent a million years attempting to feel more human, freshening up, bought batteries and some Burger King. This is a really nice airport. Okay-- until later...

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Well, it is officially 11:16 PM here and June 14th is coming to an end (3:00 PM on my body) and I have been up for about 33 hours. Now I am listening to Russian radio on my walkman after a frustrating bout with the mosquito net. (They are everywhere!!)

Anyway, I found the group at Gatwick and they all seem pretty nice. I was so tired on the flight though. Lucky it was only 3 and a half hours.

What's amazing about Russia is that it really doesn't look or smell or anything like home. It all seems to have been carved out of a large and ancient forest. St. Petersburg is not at all what I expected. It looks untouched since 1950 and there is a faded crumbling aura about it-- smokestacks sadly chugging its heartbeat. The streets are wide, washed out and sparsely populated. Hopefully, tomorrow on our city tour we will see prettier parts. (It is still bright light out by the way!)

Anyway, going through customs they told me there was an error n my visa and I had to go to a scary consulate office. It said "7/13" instead of "6/13." He fixed it, but with a struggle.

The dorm room is really spacious. I am sharing it with a girl named Katherine from Austin, TX. Today we basically just met and got an introduction and itinerary from Daniel Drake (who also seems nice). Tomorrow we actually start the program.

I took a shower but forgot to pack towels, so I'm drenched! There was a roach in the bathroom (separate from the toilet room) and I suspect I will have to get used to it. We have a kitchen and our next door suite mates are two Americans not in our program. They are leaving in a few days.

Anyway, I am EXHAUSTED. So, I will go now!

Flying with Dubliners

On the plane with a terrible headache and NO BATTERIES!!! We're only over Canada and I am going to die from this envelope of silence-- the film without the soundtrack. It's making me really cranky and pissed off and no one to be in a bad mood to. Now my fucking pen is running out of ink. The pilot just said "goodnight." It's 1:00 AM in England. I want to hit him for not selling batteries on board. This sucks! I had to carry all my tapes too...

"THE END OF SONG IS RAVING MADNESS"

Evelyn:

V1. Pressed against the window, her cheeks crushed by the winds of time. Memories of fields and flowers, seeing herself in her mothers eyes. Dodging her father's hand, lucky he went for the boys, but brothers gone and mother dead, she dusts the statues on the mantle.

*********

The dust will rise and fall, settling like the 12:00 sun and crusted nails and aching neck. Frank promises tomorrow and tomorrow she'll leave with him. When the sun will never set but looming moon and locking doors, her father steals his words into silence.

*********

He promises the straits of Magellan and Buenos Aires air. Songs of Canadian skies and the emerald eyes of the sea. But don't forget to dust the statues. Her father smiles kindly. But tomorrow Evelyn leaves. BUT THE END OF SONG IS RAVING MADNESS and broken promises to her mother. Where is happiness always dusk. Where is her own life?

*********

Her cheeks are pale and cold now and they're waiting at the docks for pirate ships and treasure chests to block her father's house. But Evelyn's washed over by a wave of her own soul. He seizes her hand, pulls her into the waters. Slipping fingers, struggling against iron like magnets in the sky he calls her "Evelyn."

But the end of song....

"SHE SET HER WHITE FACE TO HIM, PASSIVE, LIKE A HELPLESS ANIMAL. HER EYES GAVE HIM NO SIGN OF LOVE OR FAREWELL OR RECOGNITION."

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In an airport in London with Don McLean and a new surgeon general. Invented souls and masked matching faces on all of the world's travellers. I am getting really exhausted, but somehow I am wouldn't even consider sleeping now. (They can't let me die here!!)

And airports are the weirdest places. They are artificial crossroads, the merchant towns of yesteryear. My eyes are burning now too... And the map runs through my head as I have trouble remembering where I am... Conceptually ti still boggles the mind of one who grew up with the concept...

And I smell the sand dunes of my beloved mecca on Fifth Avenue.

You can definitely tell who is European here from who is North American... and even between the Europeans... those from the continent.

Anyway, until later...

Caged for Life

Oh god, it is only now that I am beginning to get frightened about the trip... What was I thinking? But more than that, and overriding everything in the overwhelming twist of the mirror when my mind's eye spits into that of reality an then must be punished infinitely for its disobedience And loathing is constantly barking at the heel of my will, and i summon my strength to keep the sheets tucked in tightly around the corners...

I will be caged for the rest of my life, but I still can't get used to life through a grid or the distance of the bars. And so my soul turns pale and routine tastes like salt and I will runaway with more luggage than I can carry where I will only die of typhoid (oh, no! I got the vaccine...)

And I saw Jekyll and Hyde (something's got to happen now or something's gonna give).

Okay. TV will add to the horror. Gotta go stare at HBO.

-h-