If I Let it All Crumble...

Anyway, today to Tsarskoe Selo and things are certainly heating up. Today I even wished to be away from all this because (I'm telling you now) my mind throbs and my heart breaks...

Atlas shrugs no more, but I feel as if I am she and the weight of the world, or at least of the Catherine Palace presses on the back of my neck and I stroke my spine and beg for strength because I will die and can not hold such a mighty palace atop the water any longer, but a part of me, a very secret unrecognized part, knows that I will because I have to... because I have to...a and I wonder what would happen if I let it all crumble... if I let go of it all...

And glassy eyed I am trapped in a chip of the amber wall, fossilized at birth and drowned in my own sticky sweetness...

But I breathed his air! And I smoothed my fingers over the same space. And I SAW the study and I went inside until I was sick as I am sick now. It makes me physically nauseous and so I met the rain and (papa!) as they say "size does matter" and those bulging brass buttons spoke measures and Alexei's beaded glass saddle and the silver costumed dressed that I'd imagined so often... Fuck!

Who was I? Where was I? (This is dumb!) (I don't care.)

Footsteps and fragments of a lost language echo outside my window now and i can not breathe, I can not can not can not breathe and I long to give in-- why can't I? I long to meet your eyes and hear your answers, my sweet.

I long for the reunion. Fuck time! I think it has me... (Perhaps it does...) (NO, NEVER!)

I'm getting closer...