Burnt Out

Why hasn't anything changed?

First he will fuck me, but not love me. Now he will love me, but not fuck me. Because I'm not lovable? Fuckable? There's nothing left inside of me there... not even the desire that I thought would never exhaust itself... And I am a shell. Vacuous and afraid. Trembling at every corner now with none of the old assurance. And this is my life... and it will be so forever. Because he doesn't get his fucking charge.

Inadequate

All of this with Nanny is such a whirlwind... I just pray that I will see her as herself again-- she is such a sparkling person and I love that my mom said that she smiled a few times today.

As for things with B, I don't know how this is all going to work out. I can't stand the fact that he still checks out other women and compares me to them. It makes me want to vomit and die. I just can't handle the thought. I am really glad that we kind of talked about all of the sexual stuff though. I don't' feel as rejected by him, but part of me still feels weird and uneasy, no matter how much I did miss the sex. I feel embarrassed and ashamed in front of him and wonder if it will ever go away.

But I love him so much.

But then I think about what Dr. G. said: "He took away your self-esteem, your joy in sexuality and your general joy in loving-- What do you think love IS?"

What do I think love is?

Am I just "in love with love," the same way GoldenFinch is, in a slightly different manifestation? I have always felt like I have so much love to give-- but was it so much (and so stifling) that I just poured it all onto the first person who would accept it? Think about it-- isn't that what you did with AIR7 too?

Well... Maybe I did do that... the same way he fucked me just to have sex and I was available. But I love him now. I fell in love at some point and that is that. (Or is it?)

I just can't stand, can't put up with anymore that he compares me to other girls. I don't want it and this whole song and dance is very tiring...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else-- someone who would love me-- everything about me-- appreciate me... want to be with me... Someone who would be making no compromises to be with me. Someone who would treasure me. Someone who wouldn't be disappointed in me.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should leave B in spite of how much I desperately love him.

I wonder if I will ever feel special and accepted and desired in my whole life. How can I give up B for the mere "possibility" of someone else? I don't know...

I wish I were better so he would be proud of me. I can't stand how my heart is breaking... I just can't do this. I hate myself. I hate everything about me and sometimes it requires all of my effort not to lash out at it and cu myself, burn myself, tear up my body. But I know that would only scar me and make me uglier still. I want to stop eating. I want to just drink diet soda all day until I'm sick.

I want B to be proud of me.

How could I ever live a life with him? Be pregnant? Age? I will always feel inadequate. That' s exactly how I feel... How I felt with him at Senior Ball-- ugly and inadequate. I never want to get dressed up again... The feeling rushes back to me every time I think about it. Never, never, never, never, never, never, NEVER!

Sometimes I just want everything to end.

I want to go away forever.

Renewal

Rosh Hashanah

"To feel the stillness of eternity in the rush of the present."

Last night with B (and yesterday and the night before) was amazing... Has he finally realized that I will be lost? He has seemed so PRESENT. That is the biggest difference-- the sense that he sees me and is with me and sees the beauty in it-- the wonder in it... the beauty in me. I pray to God that this really is the start of a New Year.

But I am so worried about Nanny... I feel the passage of time so fiercely now.

But each New Year is another year of wisdom, depth, color, art, patience and understanding. I think what it is, is that I feel the shifting of the balance. We are becoming the adults. Our parents are becoming the elderly. And our grandparents are becoming our history... It scares me, I think, because I always fought so hard to hold on to the past... to breathe life into it... to have old things back and not to let the new ones go.

But time rolls on despite my efforts and I feel an era slipping through my fingers... My former selves slipping away... And those dreams and fears fade into browning photographs.

(And one more sunset closer to sleep. We are one sunset farther from fear.)

I feel this New Years pressed in the colors of fall.

(Masakit ang tian ko!)

Feeling much better though. His kindness and love has chipped away at this surface of hate and even though it has only chipped away the smallest fleck, it was enough the relieve the urgency and the desperation. I feel a bit as though my strength has been renewed.

Fear and Ecstasy

Today is my B's first day of teaching and I am a fool for still acting like this. I love him, but I shouldn't, but I like loving him, but my arm is cut up so badly. Sometimes I feel like I am really going crazy. I just can't move... I can't even see or breathe... I mean, I see, but my sight is frozen. The whole world is caught in a freeze frame. And i feel like I am lying beneath a thin veil of water... colors and shapes can pass through, but that's all that they are-- just meaningless, hazy forms.

Then, I just can't pull myself out of it and I get the chills and start shuddering and I feel my jaw shaking and all I can think is that my B just can't leave me because I love him and nothing else makes any sense. No other reality is within the grasp of my brain and that is when I start to freak out.

Ate dinner at BigSis and Bro-in-Law's last night. BigSis and I made chicken fajitas. Liu was here this weekend. Venue, Pyramid and Limelight. In Pyramid I had the high of my life. I have to remember which one it was. But you can't do that stuff alone... It would be so terribly lonely.

BigSis and I also got manicures and pedicures yesterday.

I am really bored at work today. There is not much to do. I really wish I could just take a nap. (It reminds me of that "Seinfeld" episode when George builds a little bed under his desk...)

Rainbow

Stained reflections. Dripping oiled rainbows,
Dry as the ice burning in my palm.
Footprints through the browning Autumn trail
Trembling winter bus-stop-poles, creaking signs
Your face-- bright and glossy. Always abstract.

Pulled like a puppet, I wonder:
"Where are my eyes?"
Bloodied and bruised with streaks of emerald and jade?

No.
The answer is much quieter than that.

Lost in sweet-smelling locks, warm sun-kissed skin.
My cheeks are white and parched.
My lips are reddened and stretched
Over the bones of my illusions.

And the soft white skeletal flecks
Dissolve into those oiled puddles like chalk.
Magenta tears, Golden wounds, Cobalt shame,
Graying hope.

I have lost you.

Empty Threats

Back from lunch and only on "Day 2." I think that things are working out well so far. But I can't get thoughts of him and all of this out of my head.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!!

And after what he told me on Friday-- his "problem" being worse, and doing it when he is with me... Well, that's the end. I will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER be in his company with that going on again, unless he changes.

I will not go out in public with him.

That's it.

It's over.

Death Wish

Sick with a sore throat and feeling ugly and horrible-- like I want to die, die, die and waiting for this feeling to pass. (I know it will, but it feels like HELL right now.)

B is here and I don't want him to look at me... I don't want to be in my body... I want to burn, melt away into a raw redness, scarring and disfiguring my thighs and hips and arms. I want to die that mangled death again and again and my car-crash fantasy comes spinning back before my eyes.

I don't want to be here. I feel disgusting and loathsome and horrible.

How must I look to him? Why is he even here with me? Why doesn't he just lose himself in his fucked up fantasies forever and stop torturing me with the mixed messages? He says he "loves me." That's why he's here... But I now that he hates me... HATES me! Finds me disgusting. Why does he keep sleeping with me? Why am I good enough to fuck but not good enough for the security?

It can't be true. It can't be true.

Then why is he here?

I want to curl up and disappear... Melt into air... Sink into earth... Float into sea and let the sweet air slip away.

I am tired. And whether or not he is with me, I hate myself all the time. I feel self-conscious and horrible and ugly everywhere I go. I want to go where there are no judgements.

Void.

Nothingness.

Freedom from this hell.