Inadequate

All of this with Nanny is such a whirlwind... I just pray that I will see her as herself again-- she is such a sparkling person and I love that my mom said that she smiled a few times today.

As for things with B, I don't know how this is all going to work out. I can't stand the fact that he still checks out other women and compares me to them. It makes me want to vomit and die. I just can't handle the thought. I am really glad that we kind of talked about all of the sexual stuff though. I don't' feel as rejected by him, but part of me still feels weird and uneasy, no matter how much I did miss the sex. I feel embarrassed and ashamed in front of him and wonder if it will ever go away.

But I love him so much.

But then I think about what Dr. G. said: "He took away your self-esteem, your joy in sexuality and your general joy in loving-- What do you think love IS?"

What do I think love is?

Am I just "in love with love," the same way GoldenFinch is, in a slightly different manifestation? I have always felt like I have so much love to give-- but was it so much (and so stifling) that I just poured it all onto the first person who would accept it? Think about it-- isn't that what you did with AIR7 too?

Well... Maybe I did do that... the same way he fucked me just to have sex and I was available. But I love him now. I fell in love at some point and that is that. (Or is it?)

I just can't stand, can't put up with anymore that he compares me to other girls. I don't want it and this whole song and dance is very tiring...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else-- someone who would love me-- everything about me-- appreciate me... want to be with me... Someone who would be making no compromises to be with me. Someone who would treasure me. Someone who wouldn't be disappointed in me.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should leave B in spite of how much I desperately love him.

I wonder if I will ever feel special and accepted and desired in my whole life. How can I give up B for the mere "possibility" of someone else? I don't know...

I wish I were better so he would be proud of me. I can't stand how my heart is breaking... I just can't do this. I hate myself. I hate everything about me and sometimes it requires all of my effort not to lash out at it and cu myself, burn myself, tear up my body. But I know that would only scar me and make me uglier still. I want to stop eating. I want to just drink diet soda all day until I'm sick.

I want B to be proud of me.

How could I ever live a life with him? Be pregnant? Age? I will always feel inadequate. That' s exactly how I feel... How I felt with him at Senior Ball-- ugly and inadequate. I never want to get dressed up again... The feeling rushes back to me every time I think about it. Never, never, never, never, never, never, NEVER!

Sometimes I just want everything to end.

I want to go away forever.

Renewal

Rosh Hashanah

"To feel the stillness of eternity in the rush of the present."

Last night with B (and yesterday and the night before) was amazing... Has he finally realized that I will be lost? He has seemed so PRESENT. That is the biggest difference-- the sense that he sees me and is with me and sees the beauty in it-- the wonder in it... the beauty in me. I pray to God that this really is the start of a New Year.

But I am so worried about Nanny... I feel the passage of time so fiercely now.

But each New Year is another year of wisdom, depth, color, art, patience and understanding. I think what it is, is that I feel the shifting of the balance. We are becoming the adults. Our parents are becoming the elderly. And our grandparents are becoming our history... It scares me, I think, because I always fought so hard to hold on to the past... to breathe life into it... to have old things back and not to let the new ones go.

But time rolls on despite my efforts and I feel an era slipping through my fingers... My former selves slipping away... And those dreams and fears fade into browning photographs.

(And one more sunset closer to sleep. We are one sunset farther from fear.)

I feel this New Years pressed in the colors of fall.

(Masakit ang tian ko!)

Feeling much better though. His kindness and love has chipped away at this surface of hate and even though it has only chipped away the smallest fleck, it was enough the relieve the urgency and the desperation. I feel a bit as though my strength has been renewed.

Fear and Ecstasy

Today is my B's first day of teaching and I am a fool for still acting like this. I love him, but I shouldn't, but I like loving him, but my arm is cut up so badly. Sometimes I feel like I am really going crazy. I just can't move... I can't even see or breathe... I mean, I see, but my sight is frozen. The whole world is caught in a freeze frame. And i feel like I am lying beneath a thin veil of water... colors and shapes can pass through, but that's all that they are-- just meaningless, hazy forms.

Then, I just can't pull myself out of it and I get the chills and start shuddering and I feel my jaw shaking and all I can think is that my B just can't leave me because I love him and nothing else makes any sense. No other reality is within the grasp of my brain and that is when I start to freak out.

Ate dinner at BigSis and Bro-in-Law's last night. BigSis and I made chicken fajitas. Liu was here this weekend. Venue, Pyramid and Limelight. In Pyramid I had the high of my life. I have to remember which one it was. But you can't do that stuff alone... It would be so terribly lonely.

BigSis and I also got manicures and pedicures yesterday.

I am really bored at work today. There is not much to do. I really wish I could just take a nap. (It reminds me of that "Seinfeld" episode when George builds a little bed under his desk...)

Rainbow

Stained reflections. Dripping oiled rainbows,
Dry as the ice burning in my palm.
Footprints through the browning Autumn trail
Trembling winter bus-stop-poles, creaking signs
Your face-- bright and glossy. Always abstract.

Pulled like a puppet, I wonder:
"Where are my eyes?"
Bloodied and bruised with streaks of emerald and jade?

No.
The answer is much quieter than that.

Lost in sweet-smelling locks, warm sun-kissed skin.
My cheeks are white and parched.
My lips are reddened and stretched
Over the bones of my illusions.

And the soft white skeletal flecks
Dissolve into those oiled puddles like chalk.
Magenta tears, Golden wounds, Cobalt shame,
Graying hope.

I have lost you.

Empty Threats

Back from lunch and only on "Day 2." I think that things are working out well so far. But I can't get thoughts of him and all of this out of my head.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!!

And after what he told me on Friday-- his "problem" being worse, and doing it when he is with me... Well, that's the end. I will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER be in his company with that going on again, unless he changes.

I will not go out in public with him.

That's it.

It's over.

Death Wish

Sick with a sore throat and feeling ugly and horrible-- like I want to die, die, die and waiting for this feeling to pass. (I know it will, but it feels like HELL right now.)

B is here and I don't want him to look at me... I don't want to be in my body... I want to burn, melt away into a raw redness, scarring and disfiguring my thighs and hips and arms. I want to die that mangled death again and again and my car-crash fantasy comes spinning back before my eyes.

I don't want to be here. I feel disgusting and loathsome and horrible.

How must I look to him? Why is he even here with me? Why doesn't he just lose himself in his fucked up fantasies forever and stop torturing me with the mixed messages? He says he "loves me." That's why he's here... But I now that he hates me... HATES me! Finds me disgusting. Why does he keep sleeping with me? Why am I good enough to fuck but not good enough for the security?

It can't be true. It can't be true.

Then why is he here?

I want to curl up and disappear... Melt into air... Sink into earth... Float into sea and let the sweet air slip away.

I am tired. And whether or not he is with me, I hate myself all the time. I feel self-conscious and horrible and ugly everywhere I go. I want to go where there are no judgements.

Void.

Nothingness.

Freedom from this hell.

Subway

By the way-- rode in a strange new subway today. Sterile white and all lit up in flashing red with Mid-Western voices (female and male) whispering of stations and stops... transfers and torments.

Drinking the Sand

Spent the past day with burning eyes (red). Last night with VJ and E-the-R. "Tear in my Beer" and "Don't Fall in Love with a Dreamer."

Tealux-- Vanilla and Jasmine.

And BH in shades of black. (The greased wire of the payphone coiling in my hands like a snake. The shadow of fluttering flyers on the pink sidewalk and that surge of jealousy-- those beautiful, perfect pink welts.) Shadows on the skin. And four more hours of wrestling on bricks.

The pain and the rage and the absolute pure pain that rises and falls in crests of pure, searing white. Blackening and blanking...blanketing everything in its salty, wet confusion.

And the fingers of my mind are pulsing and red as the rods slide out from under them. Going to a barbecue. Spinning between two realities-- which is fantasy is unclear. His smile and the lights of his eyes blink like two suns promising truth-- my twin suns (Schubert). How can they lie to me? But they do! (Drinking the sand, imagining it is water-- his desert eyes are scorching me... branding me...) Again?!?!

Honestly... I thought you were past all this crap.

And when it is all stripped away... all of my hope, my trust, my love, my sense of reason... I am an empty shell of hatred.

Hatred.

No Contact.

It's finally over... and I hope I can sustain it. I feel like such a loser for loving him so much and I hate that he loves me... It makes it all so much harder.

We have a new rule, though-- no contact.

Except, I have to move his stuff from home on Friday and I hope we can handle it. Well, I hope that I can handle it.

Lost Love

B is back.

And gone.

Leave me Alone

Stagnant, stagnant, stagnant air.

And longing for a time of life and motion, but I have lost him. I have let go and he doesn't know it. It don't want to kiss him anymore. I don't want to hug him anymore. I don't' want to love him anymore. I don't want him to carry my rock and I don't want to wear his ring.

I want him to leave me the fuck alone!

Waiting for an Interview

So... Here I am in sweltering Brooklyn, half an hour early (whose idea was this?) with no refuge from the sun. I can't be early and I can't be late.

And sleep still weighs on my eyelids... I wonder if it will pass. Or maybe it's the food. (Fucking sun!)

Crouching in this sliver of shade, forehead beaded and cheeks are clammed and cold. Leaves are heavy and made of paper... coated with the paint of old buildings, matching the baking water bottle beside me. (Rustle!) (Relief!) And sweetness is always fleeing.

(Never again.. .Never again.)

To hide, to hide, to hide in my closet-- his loft-- my cave-- his lie-- my heart.

He Never Looked Back

Well, that never finished because of Sweetie's (wheaties!) call and our talk. I think I finally am letting go. And as badly as I yearn for him and yearn for him, when I let go of him, I feel free... I can breathe... I feel strong and sexy and beautiful without him. It is healthier and better and as much as I love him, right now he can't give me what I need... I have to say goodbye.

*******************

Later (and canning it). Cleaning and sorting the makeup (and the great white disgusting underload). I hate myself so much. When VJ told me that she tried to scratch her skin off, I remembered the edge of that blade and how I fantasized about all that yellow... oozing out of the cracks, mixed with my blood-- those fantasy wrecks... my arms and legs twisted and stretched. Joints spinning backwards... eyes glassy and wide... bruises on my forehead and around my eyes and the sickness of cigarette smoke, black eyes and those greedy, selfish little flashes lapping up all the puddles of pain (puddles!).

And trapped here in an apricot hell (streaks of color running through the bathtub drain) and the clenching and churned and raised hair.

Fuck sensitivity!

Strained leopards with striped panties, a Chinese shoe and a red plastic box all floating on a sea of denim. (Still-life of rejection).

I know he will never want me... never love m... I know that it is over. Time to say goodbye. Let him do the hoping and dreaming for a while and let it be my head that is turned (turning).

It's time for me to look at what else is out there... After all, I have been staring at him for a year and he never looked back once... Not once.

Lost.

Blood-Eyed

The "would have been, could have been" day for that job at the music company. Things are shifting, shifting, shifting so quickly now... Flower petals grinding in the gears.

Last night I had all that vodka and I don't know why.

Blood-eyed, I wanted more of that driving black body and the warmth of those arms. He didn't' really pay attention to me though... Not like the other one, but then, he was--

Take a Bite Out of "Cream" (The Threesome)

"Maybe not such a good idea," GoldenFinch says.

"One and Two equals fucked up," I say.

I left her a note:

GoldenFinch,
The Stallion and I went out again. Will be back by 5:00 PM.
-H-

She left me a note:

In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver:

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Wallace Stevens

The Reader

All night I sat reading a book,
Sat reading as if in a book
Of somber pages.

It was autumn and falling stars
covered the shrivelled forms
Crouched in the moonlight.

No lamp was burning as I read,
A voice was mumbling, "Everything
Falls back to coldness,

Even the musky muscadines,
The melons, the vermilion pears
Of the leafless garden."

The sombre pages bore no pr=int
Except the trace of burning stars
In the frosty heaven.

Girl in a Nightgown

Lights out. Shades up.
A look at the weather.
There has been a booming all the spring,
A refrain from the end of the boulevards.

This is the silence of night,
This is what could not be shaken,
Full of stars and the images of stars--
And that booming wintry and dull,

Like a tottering, a falling and an end,
Again and again, always there,
Massive drums and leaden trumpets,
Perceived by feeling instead of sense,

A revolution of things colliding,
Phrases! But of fear and of fate.
The night should be warm and fluter's fortune
Should play in the tress when morning comes.

once it was, the repose of night,
Was a place, strong place, in which to sleep.
It is shaken now. It will burst into flames,
Either now or tomorrow or the day after that.

Shedding a Skin

Okay. Obviously needed for some serious soul-searching and the old style just isn't seeming to cut it (crippled at the fountain) and frustrated and angry and devastated and scared all at the same time.

I feel like I don't even know who I am... Every time I think I see it and it feels warm and safe and right, either I get scared of it or it gets snatched away... sliding like feathers through my fingers. And what I am left with is the decaying corpse of an older me... Stripping back the black to find the old and brassy crunching, twisted red underneath and with no new color ideas.

That old shit isn't me anymore... it's not half as fun or exciting, and whereas it used to feel "right"-- something I needed to go through-- now it only feels empty and wrong and I feel guilty and a sweet, sad pain when I imagine how happy I could be.

I don't need this shit... sometimes I think I do and I fantasize about the drugs and the music and the sex and the flattery and the drugs, and the drugs, and the drugs! But I'd rather have B than any of that. But I can't.

I know, now, that I will never, ever, be happy with him unless he not only "solves his issues" but really and honestly wants to be with me-- feels lucky to be with me-- physically and spiritually. Otherwise, I will never have any kind of sexual self-esteem and I will continue to crave that kind of attention from other people.

After last night he will never again convince me that I can't be an ideal. That guy (the Stallion) told me that he had been masturbating about me since February! There is no need for B to cut me down like that and make me feel like shit. It's borderline emotional abuse and even though I love him more than life, this is destroying me.

I need to feel good about myself. He has to be able to give me not just neutrality, but genuine positivity... to respect and love me...not just accept me.

At this point, I don't know if that will ever be possible... I guess I have to just hang on as tight as I can and go along for the ride. But that's why it's so hard and confusing and I think it's why I let stuff like what happened last night go down...

********************

Later...

Left Lincoln Center (the humidity and the crowds) and downstairs with a book of Wallace Stevens on my lap and even here, on a crowded Barnes & Noble Saturday night, I am starting to lose myself to that blurring and floating and separation that used to be so familiar.

(Is it the drugs? Or is it the loss?)

Regardless, I am slipping into air.

Xerox, Xerox, Xerox!!!

To the poems now...

Trapped

Only a few hours later and I feel like I want to die... In fact, I see no other way out of this horrible shell that is my body. He loves me but doesn't want me and never did. I have to get out!

But VJ is here and she's crazy right now herself.

I love him so much, but I don't know what to do...

Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!

Becoming a Jeweler?

On the Long Island Rail Road on the way to LilSis' graduation. With B by my side. Last night was amazing again... just finished the jewelry class with Joyce Jonas. I absolutely loved it. I can really see that being something I could go into. But, I worry about money... I wonder about money... What roads can I walk on... But who do you even ask about these questions?

Secrets and Questions

It's frightening that my suicidal thoughts still happen.

I emailed Liu about the other night with GoldenFinch and I am so paranoid that he has my password and will find it. I should have erased it right then... I'll have to do it when I get home. And email Dr. G... God knows what I'll say to that. I just don't feel like talking to her this week. And last night... at least he was a little better about my sadness. i just wish I could control my moods better though.

All that stuff about the parade really scares me. I mean... I think I was getting a little better about not being afraid in elevators, etc. but the thought that these were normal guys... Not criminals and it escalated to that kind of violence makes me think that every man is capable of that stuff... all it takes is alcohol to release what is already there.

It's really frightening.

I have to remember to email VJ (or call). This is ridiculous... I haven't seen her since mid-May! (I think I'm gonna be late to my class.) All this stuff with choir is kind of weird too... I feel very out of the loop, but at the same time, I don't want to be in it. I wander what did happen with ChoirMan. Maybe Lewser knows something... I can't see how they could have completely ignored the sexual harassment issue, but if they did recognize it and bring it up, how could they have not fired him? Anyway... that's all for now.

What a Shame

Father's Day. And on the LIRR. Back to the city with B.

I feel very sad... A blackness pressing on my chest and smothering me. He said yesterday in the car when I was talking that he was thinking "Oh God, just shut up... I can't take any more of this noise!" That makes me feel very bad.

And what Nanny said today too... I feel like I shame... What a shame... It's too bad, because I could have been...

I am a shame and I hate, hate, HATE myself. I wish I weren't' here anymore and I want to die. Close my eyes forever.

Tootsie's Sweet 16.

In IRS class. I hope it's not a problem to leave early today. And I hope that exchanging B's pants doesn't cause a problem either. He has been so moody and cranky since yesterday. I hope he comes out of it soon.

It is so humid today that I know my hair will be ruined by Tootsie's party tonight. The lights in this room are dull fluorescent and it feels as if there is a huge gray cloud casting its shadow across the cold tile floor. My eyes grow heavy. (But please, no drill!!!)

Bon Jovi

Things are so much better, and all it took was a talk... It turns out he is missing that too... And it was amazing last night. Who knew that it could be that good? Heading down to class on the M3. Just saw Bon Jovi live at Rockefeller Center. God, do I feel better!

Wanting a Drink on the Sixth Avenue Bus

Later still...

How can these circles ring round and round endlessly? In the same place... Desperately alone, clinging to the edge of the night... needing the roughness of the surface, but without the key... turned around at the door. All I needed form him was one walk.

(She's got a bluesy feeling in her eye and it's making a sigh).

Or, maybe a drink...

Some laughter mixed with night and the feeling of heat, attraction, freedom. I should have pierced my ear... gotten that tattoo. Maybe I will.

Mark into the room exiled smiles with the drilling taste of heavy smoke in my mouth. If I were alone, Id' go home and get drunk tonight... drunk into oblivion. But I know he'd worry. So, it's home on the bus to stale eyes. He'll know something's wrong and get upset and then I cry. (I feel it threatening in my throat now!)

But the truth is that there is nothing wrong except that I feel stifled and need something more... Something social. I only wish he could share that with me... That we could find it in each other. But at least tonight I should (have to hide) -- no more going out alone. It always ends in depression or sweat and danger... and I can't have that anymore because I love my B. That leaves depression and I might as well be depressed at home than alone and drunk.

(Past the Manhattan Mall)

I think I'm gonna cut my nails and learn the guitar.

The thickness of the smoke is dizzying me. (Through a hallucinated cocaine cloud.)

So, more later.

Tabla Song

Back on the train going the other way... I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with that song. I've been having the urge to write, though. Maybe I'll figure out FINALE today. (Skip the rope, Look at me!). I just want to stay home today and compose... But what? What? WHAT???

Tootsie's Sweet 16 is on Saturday. I hope I don't feel shitty. I am so glad that I don't live at home. Everything is getting only more and more dysfunctional there.

I got my wet-grinder yesterday in class and I'm really excited about it. I hope that this is it for tools though! It really is getting kind of expensive.

I'm worried that I'm afraid to write because everything has to be "sophisticated" and have musical merit. I mean, I agree to an extent, but it's kind of crippling.

I really miss my B. I just want to be home right now getting "dib dib" all day and all night. (Curled up in the most wonderful kweba!) Maybe I'll go back to the Y tomorrow to sign up. I really want to find out about that program though.

(Although your mind's opaque, Try thinking more if it's just for your own sake)

I love this journal so much that I"m glad it's inspiring me to write again. Oh-- Into the tunnel.

So long for now!

****************************

Later....

And B told me this woman is the "lady of the lakes"

At Cooper Union-- Tabla aujourd'hui. I hope it's fun. It's so fucking humid out today and I had to trek through a 42nd street transfer. I wonder if we're going to get to learn to play or if we're just going to learn about playing...

The chairs in here are scalding plastic orange with brown attached desks... Whoever did the decorating must have done it in the seventies. One of the old women in this class has a really big mouth. I am finding her slightly offensive...

More later...

Post-College Pick-Up

Another half-hearted attempt (But this time, more suitable I think). Maroon and blue leather and weathered (but still shining). I hope someone shows up to pick me up. It would be really annoying to waste money on a taxi from Manhasset.

Caramel. in the back of my throat, and I wonder when I will ever be ready. I'm disappointed about all the time I wasted drying my hair this morning-- defeated (once again) by humidity. (At least there's still the charm of the Beatles above my swelling black shirt).

Went on a tour of the Westside YMCA this morning. It looked great, but overwhelming. I wish I had the money for a trainer or something... I feel like I really need the structure, but I will have to try my best without it.

I went to visit B today (at JJ) but he wasn't there. Although I really don't want him to leave in July, I think that it's better for both of us to be alone for a while. We tend to get way too co-dependent. I wonder if I'll have anyone to go out with, though. That part of it is really stressing me (oh God, those hands squeezing my waist!). It was so good and so hot but only a flash in my mind. I feel kind of awkward and self-conscious writing about that stuff, but whatever... I'll get over it.

(Eleanor Rigby... Father MacKenzie)

I signed up for those classes at Copper Union yesterday... I am most excited for the vocal chanting one, but the tabla and sitar should be fun too... Speaking of which, I have to remember to get that fucking guitar fixed.

(Make love all day long, Make love singing songs... WAY too sixties!)

I emailed Natasha today and she seemed enthusiastic about hanging out. I miss the whole choir social thing. I really miss Liu. Isn't it weird how stuff like that happens? A year ago we were barely friends, and even when she was here, I rarely spoke to her outside of choir, but it's like-- just knowing that she was there made me feel better.

I don't know... I feel like I'm going through a weird time right now. (Those strange dreams about AIR7). It's clearly one of those transition moments, but I just really don't like it. I feel like everything I had been holding on to so tightly has just slipped away and I realize that it was never there to being with.

(Waiting to take you away...)

All that's left is the truth that I had so zealously obscured for the past three years. And I don't want it to be over. But it's like doing that stuff for another bad trip... What's the point?

And what is there to drinking alone?

But there's just not enough excitement--- I mean the dangerous kind... the thrill of "fucking in the alley" kind. (Or the back of a club!). Well, actually-- last night in the tub was like that. And I know that it's not as much about "excitement" as it is about feeling sexy. If I'm out dancing or flirting or drinking, I get filled with that feeling. With B, I don't feel that energy from him and I want that feeling.

I guess it's back to square 1 and the YMCA. I love him so much in every way imaginable and I never would have believed I could be so happy or so lucky, but there is that one tiny little thing that I'm missing. It's not him... It's how I feel about myself... but those moments when he gives it to me (like that time in XandO, the other day when I was sitting at the computer, etc), THAT'S when I feel like the person I want to be.

I know if I said that to anyone, it would sound kind of shallow and ridiculous, but all of the holes in my soul have to do with sexual self-esteem-- no in terms of what I want and what I can do, but how desirable I am. Regardless... It is what it is and I can't change him. I can only change myself.

I guess that leaves becoming someone that will drive him to happiness. I have to work really hard. Anyway, I think I'll stop for now. This pen is going to run out soon anyway...

Music of Penitence and the Passion

Dodge Library. Waiting for B after section. Feeling how much I love him... I just hope everything is okay. And I'm feeling nervous about that stuff (drugs on Saturday) like it is going to be some trouble, but can't seem to stop it either... I guess I don't really want to. But the whole thing is making me really nervous.

Contessa's birthday thing is tonight, but I really don't feel like socializing with anyone... I just feel sick and cranky.

At least the weather is nice.

My sweater is ice-blue-- like the dress I didn't buy on Saturday.

"Bruce" is on my walkman (the River) and this song will always be that night in The Abbey Pub to me. When my heart was breaking... God, I don't want to think about that... it is too much pain... even now.

I'm just so tired of everything. Maybe I need to go out and do something wild... But there's nothing that i want... just sleep. (Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?)

****************************

Much later.

Outside the choir room at B's rehearsal. His concert is tomorrow and i have to miss it for my own choir's opera concert. Thinking about a lot of stuff... Needing a dress for tomorrow and for the 29th and then my recital and Senior Ball... And wondering about the after party... Who Liu thinks she's doing that shit with, if I even feel like going and if I will even want to see anyone there. I get the feeling that those are the type of people I'd like to avoid-- my freshman floor and the sorority and all that... But I suppose they'll all be at the "ball" part of it too.

And E-the-R told me to write KSing... I miss her. I wonder if she ever things of me-- or knows how much I have changed.

I have nothing to share anymore. I have nothing left to give to anyone else. Maybe I never had anything to give... only the need to take, and now that need is gone too. There is nothing left to bind me to any of them... and only deadened silence for conversation.

****************************

Up in the church now... and the echoing incense and black spaces soar around the music. My B looks so cute! But at every moment I have like this, a moment to sit back and separate myself, those hateful feelings come back... Maybe that's why I'm scared to do it.

Music of Penitence and the Passion.

Waiting in Dodge

In Dodge, waiting for choir to start. I wonder if Clover is pissed about my email, or more worried. Got a bracelet at Macy's today. I have been feeling so dizzy the past few days... (and the light is bubbling off the glaring tiled floor) and I wonder if it has anything to do with Saturday. I have been feeling especially down about everything lately, but I don't want to let B see it at all. The other day when I got in a bad mood, he looked like he was going to cry and he said that he was really scared... But i feel horrible and loathsome and like I just want to strip and slice away all of me... burn myself into a melted hole in these tiles. (And maybe no longer be dizzy, disconnected and floating (with a tickle behind my neck.))

Musings

In "Chromatic" waiting for class to start... and not as nervous as I thought I would be. It's gonna be really hard to come back though. Busy day today... (and not much to say). Feeling pretty good, (but tired) in my blue floral camisole.

*************************

Anyway, later and in the taxi. I'm glad that's over and I think there's still time based on his email. (Stuck in traffic and I'll almost definitely be late for Dr. G!) It's muggy out today and it's making me feel dirty. I wish it would rain already...

Dancing on Saturday with Liu, E-the-R, Anxious and Buke... And it was the most (and the strangest) high I've yet had on that stuff... but absolutely amazing!

And wanting everything over and over again. (At least my jaw stopped hurting today).

We keep passing the Gap and the "colored jean" (gene) (gin) (john) (jan) (june) (jone).

And I am nauseated. Stuck in my head? Non piu di fiori.

The Invisible Woman

On the 57th Street crosstown bus, heading to Dr. G. The wind is whipping around everyone's necks today... strands of hair and looseleaf are flying up into the air, above the newsstands and across the sidewalks.

Thinking about The Invisible Man and the "invisible" woman that I have been for so long.

My eyes are dried violets and the grayness of the weather is making me fatigued (despite my urgent fear that it might rain and destroy my newly straightened, beautiful, shiny hair!). This all seems like some very strange calm before the storm...

Constitution stuff in choir tonight... and I am dreaming of the drinks afterwards... Although I don't know why... I haven't gotten wasted in a very long time.

And so much music to learn (and write!) and it is occupying my mind, although I never schedule a time to do it.

I felt strange at B's writing center... I was only there fore ten minutes and for a completely unknown reason, there was a distance... It might have just been the fatigue. But B did not seem that excited to see me... even after I spent $10 to get there in a taxi, in between "Chromatic" and Dr. G.

But then again, the grayness and wind my be effecting my temperament (and perception).

Dinner with VJ tonight (whom I haven't seen in a while). And not surprisingly, nothing more to say under the weight of it all. Wondering how much is too much (matz) (Lexington) and why I need him around my heart at every moment... some infantile need that I don't understand to always be in his arms. And why do I feel so utterly rejected if they are not forever extended for a hug? But I see them now... out-stretched in my mind. And it comforts me.

(Second Avenue)

Psalm 102

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee.
2 Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I call answer me speedily.
3 For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.
4 My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.
5 By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.
6 I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.
7 I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
8 Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me.
9 For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,
10 Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.
11 My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass.
12 But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.
13 Thou shalt arise, and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
14 For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof.
15 So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.
16 When the LORD shall build up Zion, he shall appear in his glory.
17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.
18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.
19 For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;
20 To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;
21 To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;
22 When the people are gathered together, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.
23 He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.
24 I said, O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.
25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.
26 They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed:
27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
28 The children of thy servants shall continue, and their seed shall be established before thee.

Ugly

Stress about the elections and Lewser and ChoirMan and all of this shit... And B doesn't want to talk to me about it because he still has issues with ChoirMan... And I wonder if he still thinks I'm "dirty" from all of that... I feel dirty right now... and ugly and hateful and unlovable, but most of all, ugly.

The Breakup (sort of)

Anyway, we have broken up, but I am not afraid. It is really strange, but in some way I know that we are going to end up together because it is meant to be. I feel it and maybe I am being foolish, but I have never been more sure of anything... And even if we are apart and even if he's on the other side of the world, I feel connected to him. He is my second half.

And talking to GoldenFinch, I think I have put my finger on what this is all about... It's the way we got together. We slept with each other when we were drunk... It was a classic textbook case of "10 at 2:00 and 2 at 10:00." At my point in life, I didn't' want or need a 10... I wanted a friend-- trust, stability, and real love and kindness. He, on the other hand, ended up in a relationship that started by accident-- there was no spark, no initial attraction-- and he has spent all of this time trying to reconcile that. It is a very weird situation...

Most one-night stands, if between strangers, only develop into more if that spark is there. Or they end. But because we were friends, we were able to fall in love without it. That spark was not there either. B is not my physical ideal... But he point is that whether or not he "would have" slept with me, he did sleep with me. And the love that developed out of our friendship was worth more to me than a fluttering heart. That I am not worth it to him, despite how much I know he loves me is where he disgusts me.

He also has to realize that there are no ideal relationships. I have made a hundred thousand compromises for him. He doesn't like to go out...

I recognize and accept these not as compromising the relationship or settling, but part of what makes him the person that I love. He sees my flaws as barriers, though. And it proves that the flaws are stronger than the love and that is why I left. We will never have that "crush" dynamic-- that ethereal and nervous beginning. We started with the quiet... with the solid. If that excitement, that prize of winning something desired is so important to him, he will never find his way home to me.

HE has to think about what kind of love he wants. Ours will never have that kind of excitement. And i have to admit... I am sick of it, feel like I've grown out of it, in a way, and to me, what was refreshing is to him problematic.

On another note, GoldenFinch paid me a beautiful compliment today. She told me that I am an "exquisite person" and that everyone who is close to me... who I choose to take in as my friend is forced to really look at who they are and strip back the layers to be the real person that they are at the bottom. She told me that the standard I set for love, friendship, kindness and justice are so high and so true that people whose lives touch mine look at themselves and their lives in the light of those truths. And that is a gift that I give to my friends.

I feel really honored she said that...

At the Bottom

I have completely lost everything... My B says that he does not love me... And God! How I love him! And I would do anything for him. What is life about? What am I doing? He has told me that I am too horrid for him and I believe him... I can't be have sex with him anymore. I feel like shit... I hate getting dressed, sitting down, standing up, being touched, being sexual at all.

I slashed my arm in between classes today because I ate some grilled cheese.

And I know that all of this is crazy, but the feeling is there... the desperation and absolute self-disgust, loathing and revulsion and I wonder if it will every go away.

I hate myself. I don't want to have a body... I don't want to exist physically at all. I just want to die and disappear.

And I am struggling so fucking hard to be okay... hang on to the remnants of who I am... desperate to hear that he loves me, that he wants me, that I am brave, that I can...

And he tells me that he doubts. I know that he has always doubted. And it makes me angry and tortuously miserable at the same time. He doesn't know if he loves me!!! He is my B! This can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening! I LOVE him! And I will never see or understand why I am not good enough to be love.d The only thing I can see that's wrong is what he has told me... And I must be at fault. I must be at fault for all of this. Unlovable.

I want to suffer. I want to bleed...choke... I want my heart to beat itself to death... My lungs to freeze... My fingers to fall off.... My thighs to burn! I want it. I want it! I want it!

And yet, I'm afraid that the more scars I give myself, the worse I'm going to look, and I only want for him to want me.

And he told me to leave him... that I will be happier without him. And maybe I would have been happier if we had never been together. But I LOVE him now and I don't' think he can understand the strength of that love... It has become the core of who I am and I can not give it up just because he says that he can't make me happy. This is my everything.

I'll do anything to be good. I just want to make him happy. I want to be good if only I can have another chance.

I have to pray.

Stopping

B is back and things were great, only it's just two days in and he's really sick and I had a bad dream about being raped and he is crying about everything and can't afford to go to a doctor and I really feel like I need to scream, Scream, SCREAM and don't think that I can do this...

I feel like I am choking and that there's no way out and I just want all of this to STOP!!!

I have school in two days and nothing is done and my throat hurts and I'm nauseated and tired, tired, tired.

God! When will it all stop?!?

The wink

How proud I was of him singing in his concert! He winked at me and missed his entry... So cute!

My Funny Valentine

In Florida, wishing the soaps were on, but news coverage interrupting about the protests around returning that little boy to his father in Cuba.

I told B about New Year's Eve-- the truth-- and I had to. I think I really hurt him and he says he forgives me, but I can only hope that he can really understand... that this is all about what he said to me... how that devastated me... and still does.

I haven't really been able to eat or sleep very much and while I knwo that I don't want to break up with him, it scares me how much all of this still hurts...

I struggle with all of my might against the urge to die at every moment... except for the pounding blur of color and night and power and confidence and pride (perhaps too much) and immortality that I had that night. Thank God for drugs. And my every wish and every dream is to find that experience with B, but he can not give that to me. He can not. And maybe I am foolish for ever having thought that he could.

And I love him SO much. More than I can explain. And I know that he loves me in the same way. But, I wonder if this damage can ever be undone... And I know that I just have to see him. And at least, then, we can begin. But now it is all in the abstract.

My Funny Valentine.

New Year's Eve

So, another New Year... and New Year's Eve was CRAZY!! (On the LIRR. Going to see "The Green Mile" today with my mom and M). And the Ecstasy and the Coke and the dancing... Kissing... three of them... and Liu... and flashes of light and sweat and POWER and midnight-- when B asked me to marry him.

And then, those very words taken back in the bleeding hell of the next morning... And I LOVE HIM, but all of this hurts too much...

He has to "go slow" for his parents, and that's fine, because that's what I would have said, but how can you propose to someone and then take it back? It's as if it meant nothing.

I feel like shit again. And maybe it's better to feel sweat, color and desire... the beauty of the drugs... I won't forget it for a long time, although I was never so relieved as when they wore off... And glad that I will never see those two again.

And I told him what was in my head... and my soul... her body and mine... Fuck him!! FUCK HIM! I don't think I can take three more weeks of this... A huge part of me just wants this hell to be over.

(But what about LOVE, Hyde? He is your heart, your soul, your life, your future!!!)

Yeah? What about it?

To Florida tomorrow. I have to think.

HAPPY 2000!