Lost

I'm going to go buy a new journal today. I need to say goodbye to this year. The day or two after I ended the pregnancy I felt better-- like my old self. Now I feel disconnected from everything. Like I can feel the burning out embers of life inside of me. And I'm so sick of loving Narc. I'm so sick of feeling lovesick all the time-- because it's not love that's making me feel that way. It's confusion and frustration. And I feel lost.

Waiting for Anxious

Waiting for Anxious at "Forty Carrots." She's half an hour late and I'm pissed. It's already 1:30 and I have to be at NYU for my blood-work at 2:45. This is bullshit. As if I weren't pissed off enough today already! This is absolute bullshit. I'm tempted to leave. Total bitch. I wonder if I should call Narc tonight or if I should wait for tomorrow. I totally have to go to the library tomorrow. I totally can't believe what he wrote on his blog though... I just can't believe it. After everything... I am so mad at her with every minute that goes by.

Benefit:
Ooh la lift
Eye Bright
Lyin' Eyes

Pregnant

I'm pregnant.

I've known for two days now. And Each day that passes, the less I want to have this abortion. I don't know if I can go through with it. Who would this child be? He or she needs my nurturing and protection right now and I'm the one who's going to suck its life away. But I could I manage it? What would happen to everything I want for myself? Is that just selfish? I'm 26 years old. Haven't I had enough years to myself? The big question for me right now is whether I should tell BigSis. I feel like she could talk me through this, but I also feel like it would infinitely complicate things. Am I being absurd for even entertaining the notion of having it?

Narc was cold and a little distant on the phone today. But at least he called and maybe it's because he's home with his mom. I was surprised at Sunshine's reaction. If I thought she would react that way I wouldn't have told her. She made me feel worse-- like this baby might be a miracle. Something that will never happen again. I just wish Narc would make me feel loved. It would make me feel better about whatever decision I ultimately make...

I have to just make myself stop thinking. Just accept it and do it and have it be over. And don't think about potential. The whole universe is unlived potential. Why is this such a crime? (Because it's depending on YOU.) Even Narc can't understand that-- it's not depending on him. His body is not sustaining its life. It's depending on you. And you want to kill your own child. You're not a drug addict or homeless. You're not 15. You could find a way to do this if it's what mattered to you most. And Narc wouldn't have to have anything to do with it...

What would he say though? I just really want him to come back already... really want to see him. I feel like it would make everything so much clearer. I feel like I'll have a felt sense of what to do as soon as I see him. IrishBird surprised me the other night. She just said "it's a big decision for you. Only you can decide." I thought she would be so dead set against it and tell me so too...

Silence.

One of those control moments... wish I could call him, but knowing there will be only silence. And that will be even worse than what I have right now. That would be death.

The Bad Girl

B is mad at me now. What did I do? Things fall apart already? He only got here an hour ago. I'm bad, I tell you. Bad. Sometimes I hate myself so much. I don't deserve anything. And today was to remind me of that. He says he doesn't feel good. Well, I don't either. I bet it's because I require something today. I bet.

At the Bar

Too funny...

I'm at Cheers and the day waitress just told me that they went to Manchester the other night and said they work at Cheers and Maeve asked if they knew me. Guess things get around, you know?

Anyway, I'm in a weird mood today. Don't know what to do about the whole Stallion situation. I can't believe the feelings he has for me. Half of me wants to pursue it, but then I remember what Dr. G asked me this afternoon-- if he were single would I want to go out with him? I think the answer would be know.

So, my mind is still on Narc and on the personal as political. I feel a little weird/ nervous about hanging out with Bezoukhoff tonight. Things are too clear, you know? Too clear to ignore.

Ex-Libris (no known author, mystery section)
Book is called "Ex Libris" ("Rose")

$40,00--Bezoukhoff owes you!

Notes

"Socialist pricks with bourgeois dicks"

The personal as political problem.

Mon-Sat 9-5:00

The Exchange

"What are you up to?"

"Barely alive. Tuesdays are @(#!)@! Too much time with nasty cheap tourists. Y tu, Hyde? Perhaps Schtirlitz some time this week?"

"Yes! Imbibing and talking to a 53 year old. Missing Narc and you!"

"That's good-- 'cept for Narc... Careful with 53 year old. I had an old hag hit on me last night."

"Okay. I'm in a weird mood. Want adventure but not trouble."

"Please be careful with imbibing too. So says Bezoukhoff. Keep it in a bottle. Release slowly. That way you know where adventure ends and trouble begins. Be careful... you know I need you."

"You need me?"

"Da. Didn't notice? Heck. You saved me from a fever."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Did you read my blog? I should tell you I'm drunk now. Care no more and say no more.."

"If I upset you, I'm sorrier than you think. I need you-- you save me from much and my life is so much the better for it. It's just that text message isn't good for expressing it all. Sorry for being so unclear now."

"Huh? In fact, I should say no more. Nite!"

"I knew I was unclear. Tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe let's meet Thursday?"

Finding Myself (on Coke)

Ok.

So, here I am trying to do my "homework." Therapy homework. Who would have ever thought that journaling would become homework? I don't know... I'm sitting way too close to the door. It's pretty fucking cold. Hold on. I don't like this pen. I want to see if I can switch.

Ok.

Found another. Now I'm using my "Sha-Barbara McDaniel" pen. Weird. I'm not feeling right right now. Even after just a little bit. I have to remember this feeling. Even if I can't (or don't want to) remember it, I have to know it as a fact-- to always embrace it as a maxim-- that in the end, I REALLY DON'T LIKE THIS STUFF. It's all about being afraid of the come-down off this whole crazy trip that I've been on for the past nine months-- a lifetime lived, it seems (albeit a depraved one!). But I have to remind myself-- to keep telling myself-- I WILL survive this. Something WILL follow.

Today is "shorts and longs sleeves" weather. Of course, I'm wearing jeans, but it reminds me of that party so many years ago at Uncle N's house-- and I wore white denim shorts (they were kind of long) and that teal green hooded long-sleeved t-shirt from the Gap.

It's so fucking crowded in here tonight and I don't like it. I think it's for the Baseball. The Yankees are on. I guess no one gets the YES network at home. I had a good time with Bezoukhoff last night. It's too bad I can't find a guy who is caring and who I can talk to like that. Bezoukhoff and I are too much alike. He actually seemed to want to hear and share things that came from me. To see me. Would Narc have ever tolerated (even for two minutes) looking at an old album, hearing my compositions or seeing my sketchbook? Dr. G. was right, what she said today-- that I must feel degraded from the whole experience. And you know what? I do.

Just took a really long break from this. NDN came by and we talked for quite a while. We talked about all of my crazy stories from the fall. He told me that my life is quite "colorful" (to say the least.) What's going to happen to me though if (when!) it's not that way anymore?

Sometimes I think I don't even know what there is of me under all of this. How pathetic that seems, but how true! Maybe I've just hit on something big here-- that beneath the chaos, I don't know who I am. I used to feel that way about my "artistic gloominess." That if I gave up my "depression," I wouldn't be me. Well, of course I'd be me, but I couldn't (can't) imagine who that would be. I think it's important to get external validation from people. (BarMan just said that his dad died of lung cancer). I never expose the true me. So, how can it be reinforced to me at all? Maybe that's why I feel so isolated? Maybe that's why it's not at all strange to me that Narc had no interest in knowing me or seeing me-- hardly anyone knows me and sees me. All of that stupid shit that I post up on my blog-- that's not me. I'm not Hyde. I'm not Jekyll either. I'm a mermaid. I'm a Romanov princess. I'm a fiercely loyal lover who wants to be a family to my love. I'll fight like I lioness for those I love. It breaks my heart to hurt people's feelings. I get a thrill from danger. I get joy in life from kitsch. I love doing things to make those I love smile. I want a boy to do things for-- but one who will see me in return-- not just drain me. I love the Song to the Moon for so many reasons. I'm not embarrassed of loving cheesy sweeping melodies. I pay such careful attention to color and setting. I see the world expressionistically. My feelings are hurt very easily. I am crazy stubborn. I can't accept failure. I can be emotionally manipulative but I always lost in the end anyway because I'd rather give in than be abandoned. I compromise myself and it hurts. It hurts so much that I can't ever let anynoe see it. It would shatter me I would feel the degradation then. I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I would be so embarrassed. I have a lot of pride and false bravado. I feel unacknowledged and under-appreciated.

Is this who I am?

I believe in love fiercely and passionately. I'm willing to try almost everything. I notice details. I write my life like a book-- once something happens, it's etched in memory. Even if I forgive, I certainly never forget. I am my past. I miss Narc because I failed. I don't really believe dreams will come true. But I madly indulge in my dreams anyway. I don't reallbelieve in God, but I believe in ghosts, fate, ritual and pray by instinct. I'm obsessed with relics, traditions and magic. The only things that measures near to my emotions are the sea ad sky. I love to aestheticize life and then laugh at myself for being pretentious. Then I laugh at myself for being so self-aware and then so aware of being self-aware and then again for my whole foolish po-mo quandary. I have more crushes than anyone I know and I thoroughly enjoy them. I'm very concerned that I will disappoint my parents and my ancestors. I know something must be wrong with me that I haven't found someone to love me. I feel like I am disgusting to most people in this world. Why did B leave me? Where did I go wrong? If I can figure out why I wasn't good enough, maybe I can fix it and find someone to take me. Until then, I'll have to continue to accept what I have.

The whole world is a market-place, bottom line. And whatever assets I do have, they must have very low market value. How did I win Narc? Would he ever have talked to me to begin with if I hadn't been doing coke that night? I doubt it. In fact, it was probably James' idea. He's the one that is so into coke. I can just imagine their whole conversation. Why couldn't I hold him though? I've always gone on the premise that once someone bothered to see me, I'd be loved. B left me anyway though. I wasn't pretty enough. I wouldn't impress his family or friends or make him feel good about himself. Lesson learned/ That even if you do manage to find someone, he'll toss you back. Non one wants you as "the one." You'll never have anyone to love unless you have a child... a fatherless child. That's just what we need... more fatherless children.

Doesn't Narc know I would have been willing to do anything for him? I think he does. It just wasn't enough. I never will be, so why bother? Right? Just drown it out.

"Shut the fuck up!" he said.

Drown it all out.

**********************
Still here...

Just hung up with Anxious. Pissed off. "Just let it go," she said. And implied I was competitive and fucked up compartmentalized. Fuck that.

Spaghetti

@ Cheers and waiting for B to finish with French class. Making spaghetti and meatballs tonight...

On Death's Door

One month... It all seems so stupiud. All I can do now is pray for my stepbrother. Pray, pray, pray that he'll be strong enough.

Mama Said...

Lost and then found...

Today unsettled all day and then amazingly attacked by my mom, as if I were Jewel. I feel like it's so unfair. But what if she's right? She acknowledged that I am living up to my responsibilities, but not to my potential. As if she's only going to help me out if I do certain things. With "health" as a priority. But what about room for my own choices? To figure out who I want to be as a person?

What about happiness?

What if that's not the same as living to one's potential? Shouldn't I be able to choose?

I feel like this is something I'd want to talk to Narc about because he would understand where she's coming from in terms of ambition and potential and maybe put it to me differently. I miss him. Missing something I never had. I just hate that my mom did this to me. It's so unfair when I'm only doing my best.

Narc's TV

Later- much. Next day.

Flying Daggers, volleyball game, waiting in snow, High low, didn't change, lunch with Bezoukhoff, flood of texts, two quick glasses at Cheers and a night that bled into 6:00 pm the next day. (It's 6:18 now, to be exact). And Cutting Edge is on TV. Narc is getting ready to go to his improv class (now on Thursdays) and I guess I should go to. We watch too much TV together. I wonder if it makes him think I'm uninteresting.

No sex today. I wonder why about that too. Does it mean I'm uninteresting? Sometimes I'm not sure how to be. And I think I have to meet NV tonight. Kind of want to go back to Cheers in the interim, but have to fix my hair first.

adventuresociety.com

"The World is Made of Glass" -Morris West

Tom L.

(Tom L.)

Last night I totally fucked up. Didn't keep a single one of my New Year's Resolutions! Now my throat is burning from coke and I can't sleep and Narc is snoring next to me. Last night was definitely weird. At the very end of the night, at Cheers, two things happened. One-- that guy, Tom L. came in. Second (or I suppose, "Two")-- I decided to start drinking. This has to stop. I need to just set a number of days and decide to stop drinking.

Anyway, Cheers closed and the guy and I left together (sort of discreetly). We walked up towards Thaddy Con's (which was closed). I think it was around 2:00 am. Then we went to Manchester with a bartender named Willy. They promised to stay open until 4:00 am.

Tom and I got increasingly drunk and at some point the decision was made to go back to my place to "hang out" a la "a very medicinal evening." He didn't do very much coke, which left a shitload for me. He pretty much passed out, leaving me bored, restless and still lovesick.

I ended up talking to Liu on the phone for a while. She really came through for me. Then Narc came up on my call waiting. I haven't yet processed the rest of the night enough to write about it. I'm lying next to him right now, freezing my ass off...

Self-Control

Sill waiting for him to call. Still waiting for him to call. Still waiting for him to call. This is absolutely mind-numbing, mind fucking torture. Absolute fucking torture. I will give this until Thursday and then I will have to use every ounce of discipline and self-control that I have to not only not call him, but to not return any of his contacts either...

If and when he ever does.

He's going to do it just when I've started to heal from it.

Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why are dreams of that closeness from the Summer with me at every moment????

Arghhh!!!!

Ok--

PLAN A:
Take all of my self-punishment energy and put it into not eating. I'm going to empty myself of all of this. Purge my system of all this excess. No more whiskey seeping through my pores. No more coke binges. And no more heavy meals. It's going to be a lashing for everything about me that's me-- that he can't love.

I don't care if this means I'm fucking crazy. At least it gives me something to do with myself. Discipline. And I'm going to throw myself into impressing ProfPP with my paper. Only need to find a topic now...

God, I wish I had somewhere else to go.

New Year, New Me.

At B's place in Astoria. Just finished an awesome episode of 24. Jack is about to enter the compound to save his love, even as the Marines are preparing a strike on it. Arghh! Eeeek! Yaow! I am so hyped over it. That and the fact that I'm all anxious from my most recent encounter with Narc.

I feel so fucking lovesick. My stomach feels so queasy when I think about it although I don't know why. It just doesn't make any fucking sense. I guess I should backtrack a little though.

Last week I was stuck in bed with the flu. The week before that I was in Puerto Rico with my family and Hammer. Not a super-eventful trip except that it filled me with wanderlust and some bourgeois self-hatred.

The trip started off New Year's Day. Liu was here for New Year's Eve and the two days prior. It was a very coked up visit. December 30th was the "Billy-boy" encounter. He was so cute-- a British boy. He fucked so hard. It was awesome. Two days later I glimpsed myself naked in the mirror and I had two enormous purple bruises on my belly from getting banged against the kitchen counter. On top of that, I found out later that he's only 19-- a fucking baby! Oh well... It was fun. He was so sweet. Bought me flowers and kept trying to impress me. Left me $100 to pay for his coke too... a sweet guy.

Anyway, the only weirdness for me was that he's the only guy besides Narc that I slept with since I told Narc in November that I love him. It confused me and I definitely felt guilty and torn about it. But, what could I do? Narc made it pretty clear that there's "nothing more for us" and that he doesn't want me because my "life is shit" and I don't even approximate the "muse" that he's looking for.

So... I was resolved to forget about Narc. And what better way than with the adorable (and excitable) Brit? All of that life is meant for 2004, though. I'm determined to get my shit together in the new year. No more drugs, and the drinking has to get under control. Puerto Rico was good for me in that way. In some ways, so was the flu. But then there was Narc this weekend. He texted me on Friday: Out and about tonight? I wrote back the next afternoon that I was asleep-- taking it easy lately.

Went to the Frick and saw the new Raphael. Brilliant.

That night I stopped in at Cheers to say hi to IrishBird. Stayed for too many drinks-- my first real debauchery of 2005. Took myself home by midnight.

Narc had texted me around 9:30:
Thought we might catch up at some point.

I wrote back:
New Year. New me. Don't want to fall into the same old, same old.

Then I called him. He called back, said we don't have to sleep together and offered to come up by me. WHAT?!?! Is this the same guy??? Ok. He won me over with that-- big time. I felt heard. So nice.

Anyway, I went down there. Got wasted. Probably embarrassed myself big time. I can't worry about that too much. But, I woke up with him the next morning. It was so sweet to be held by him. I just love that feeling more than anything. So much so, I don't care how fucked up everything else is. The only thing that makes me nervous is how I can't get it off my my mind now. Well, not exactly-- he's not really on my mind. It's more like he's on my chest. And I feel so anxious. I feel so out of control with him. I hate the anxiety that comes with feeling out of control. But, maybe that's the very feeling that I'm seeking because I always end up in situations that create that dynamic for me.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I wanted so badly to call him, but I didn't. I have to be okay with all of these space, you know? Even if I'm not. I called today though, and asked if he wants to go to the Whitney. If he doesn't call back soon, or if he avoids the issue or says no, I'll know that nothing has changed and I really am just a "call girl" of sorts for him. My fingers are crossed on this one.

I finally fell asleep last night with him in my dreams. I kept thinking about kissing him. About how we used to kiss in the Summer. Just so much kissing. And the sweetness of the thought enveloped me and at around 4:00 am, I was finally lulled into sleep.

Today the nervousness (or anxiety) is back. I'm nervous being at B's tonight. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep and I can't watch TV all night. I might have to take some sleeping pills. It's 10:30 and I still feel so wound up.

God damn it. I just need him to give me a chance. I hate the way he thinks of me. It's hard for me to be myself. And I miss myself so much. I so badly need to get my singing back in shape. I cried about that all afternoon. I sang my mezzo arias really well, but that stupid vocal chink is making my passagio really difficult. Parts of "Donde Lieta" were just unbearably exhausting. And my diaphragm is so fucking weak that everything wobbles way too much. I just don't know if I have the energy to jump in and fix all this, but I have no choice. I have to try because I don't know who I am when I'm not singing. I want my voice to be free again. It's the only time I feel purely happy. It relieves all this anxiety. And I have to stop burying my anxiety in the bottle.

I won't die like my dad.

I'll never let it happen.