That Fateful Day...

It's humid today. I'm on a bench on Riverside, one eye on the skinny-necked pigeons that I dread. Singing to myself (a dreadfully slow "Over the Rainbow" recorded a few weeks ago) seeming to be in sync with the dragging of everything lately. My shirt matches the trees and this peeling bench and the chunk of green calcite around my neck.

A breeze at last.

VJ and I had lunch earlier. Now she's at Scott Jay getting her hair cut and waiting for me to finish my voice lesson (which doesn't start for another 20 minutes).

*******************

Ok.

Much later and in Cheers. IrishBird just gave me a big greeting... kisses and lots of attention. I wonder if it's weird to be here drinking alone on a Wednesday. The last day I did this was a few weeks ago when Tampa Bay won the Stanley Cup. I'm just back from dinner at NiS and Sarah's. Being up by the Medical School was strange... it was all still there... even Coogan's. Except there was a big "Washington Mutual" where the corner bodega used to be. I couldn't even remember the name of Fort Washington. Haven? Haven Hall? Was that the name of the dorm there?

Why do I miss that time so much? Why did AIR7 have to turn out to be such an asshole? Why can't I call B on a night like tonight? He's supposed to love me-- to protect me from all of my feelings. He's supposed to be my friend. Where is Paul Newman?

I'm sitting here drinking alone and tyring to look alluring. Hell...I'll settle for a "Paul Kramer."

Sometimes I think about when AIR7 said that he HATED OldChoirMan. I knew that he loved me then. He loved me because he wanted to protect me.

I had a dream about OldChoirMan the other day-- about kissing him and about how soft his flesh felt. Eww... I remember that about him-- his flesh-- his cheeks and lips were soft with age and cold. And his fingers were pudgy and wandered along my back. And AIR7 hated him like a lion, but later was so cruel to me.

But, it all felt fresh being up there on 168th. I hope I didn't freak out NiS and Sarah tonight.

Is it wrong to admit how good alcohol makes me feel and that I can't stop myself once I start drinking? Is that in bad form to say? Did I talk too much about Brando?

I feel so desperately alone fight now-- like in that nightclub in the middle of the farm fields in France. God, I was so young then! I remember meeting that guy and being afraid and slightly horrified-- not even sure of how to talk to him! How old was I then? 16: How much changed just three years later!

God, I miss B! I want him to come into this bar and hug me and kiss my cheeks and cuddle me and put me to bed. I at least want someone to talk to.

I better not drink too much tonight, though.

I sense my handwriting beginning to blur. I wonder how much longer it will hold up.

It's 12:10 AM. IrishBird just looked at me.

I wonder what she's thinking...

Stella!!!!!

Procrastinating while I finish lunch at the Morning Star. I'm supposed to be working on Nineteenth Century stuff before study group tonight, which I will eventually get to...

This past weekend was good for me. I spoke to B on Thursday but held my gorund. Friday I went to the beach with BigSis, Jail and Jol. Saturday I ran around doing errands for with my mom. We went to the Gap and I'm down 4 jeans sizes! Sunday we went to a July 4th BBQ at her partner's place.

The whole weekend was shaded by Brando's death on Friday. It makes me feel afraid that Nanny's generation is dying. It is the first time I am feeling the passing of a generation like that and it makes me scared.

Yesterday I went to see Spiderman 2 with BigSis and Bro-in-Law instead of doing my work, and then to a dinner party at IronChef's. It was weird because it was a whole group of women in their 30's and then me. Melanie said that by the time you are dating in your thirties, everyone is walking around with baggage (of the relationship kind) because everyone has been hurt at least once in a big way. They are all so much more "rational" about love than I am... making checklists of compatibility and stuff like that. I wonder if I'll every be that way.

In any case, I've now been hurt in a big way and although I feel stronger and wiser than every before, I feel like the ghost of my life with B has taken away a piece of me with it.

I remember for a few years after graduating, I mourned that whole "choir-life" and I never felt like myself. It hovered near me always-- a true ghost! My life with B feels something like that, so I have to have faith that this will pass. Both Dr. G and IronChef said yesterday that I was being "emotionally abused." I wonder if they are right. I wonder what made me stay... I just can't stand the passing (especially now, listening to Elvis and John Gary!)

Anyway, if I don't start my work now, I never will, so I should go...

Just one more word--

I'm sending my love and thanks to the spirit and gifts of the beautiful, late Marlon Brando-- an angel on this earth.

PS: I spoke to B again last night (he called me) and he said there's no one like me and I'm special and irreplaceable. And that was after he spent the entire weekend with J...

PPS: Kerry announced Edwards as his VP today (Good. Because I like to crush on Edwards! ) The New York Post published too early and annoucned Gephardt. I bought the paper. Maybe it'll be worth something someday...

I Wanna Be Sedated

Ok... So, I finally left the house.

Last night I drank two bottles of wine and took some codeine. I don't' know what's wrong with me. I haven't done anything like that in so long. I can't let myself regress. I have to keep my head above water right now. I am only responsible and accountable to myself, and that has to be enough.

Now it's 2:00 PM and I haven't eaten yet today and feel like vomiting, but at least I left the house.

Going to the beach with BigSis tomorrow will be good for me... And tutoring today.

He wrote back to me today "I love you too." But what does that mean???

"I love you too, but too bad?"

Why is he bothering to tell me, then?

Ugh... My lunch is here, but I don't want to eat it. It was good talking to Joseph last night. Although I think that we're both crazy. But, he's good to talk to because he has perspective that my other friends don't-- he doesn't see things as clear cut. Whatever... I have no choice in all of this. NO choice, but to let B go and to keep doing what I have to do one day at a time.

And that's life.

Love

Awakened by your love

I flicker like a candle's light

trying to hold on in the dark

Yet, you spare me no blows and keep asking

"Why do you complain?"

Blood Test

Waiting in the endocrinologist's office... Blood test today. I didn't exercise this morning because I had to get up too early, but I'm not hungry anyway and not happy about it. I have to go in...

Hindu Hyde

So, it looks like my chapter of life with B is over. It seems like we're not even going to be friends anymore. But, I'm proud of myself. I told him that I don't want to be treated like shit anymore... even if it took me five years to say it and mean it.

I'm glad I called my mom last night instead of him when it got bad and that I feel the strength to take life up in my hands. I took one of those "spirituality" quizzes today. It told me that I am a "Skeptical-Contemplative" type and should take up Hinduism. I guess Bhakti Yoga is similar to my "Religion of Love."

Anyway, Zoolander is on TV and I haven't eaten all day, so I'll write more later.

I Saw Elvis

Sitting in the Border's near the movie theater in a cold sweat with a sore throat. Maybe I've been doing too much lately... a week of celebrity.

Last night was the Madonna concert-- Re-invent Yourself. It was an amazing show. She rewrote her past into her present. Even the parts that seemed to have only one meaning were revised... "revisioned," and I wonder if I can do that with my past too.

The night before (Tuesday), I went to see Bill Clinton. It was a moment I will never forget. He radiated with an energy and a magnetism as sparkling as his gleaming white hair and clear eyes... along with a softness. Although the four and a half hours on the humid Harlem street was exhausting and it was Wednesday morning that I woke up as sick as I am today.

On Monday I went to see the Elvis '68 Comeback Special at the movies with my mom and B. It was a one-day release to promote the special edition DVD release that came out on Tuesday. Also, truly amazing. His heart is on his face and it is so striking when he becomes transformed from that narcissistic little boy into an angel of emotion. I love him.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I've written in any journal. I lost 40 lbs, I finished my research paper and B got a girlfriend. The last point is the hardest for me (obviously), although I've had a hard time figuring out why.

Last night we talked for a long time. He told me that I won't find the answers outside myself. I don't know if I'm ready to believe that though. I am always so afraid of falling apart... of "falling..." of the dissolving of my existence that lurks in all of the empty spaces. And the meaninglessness of everything when I'm too weak (or tired) to maintain the illusion of love.

Bill Clinton said last night (on Charlie Rose) that he became (purposely) what he feared the most. So do I, but I'm not yet sure how that works as a coping mechanism.

I'm really too tired to think right now. My yes feel sore and my neck is stiff and I'm hungry. I'm supposed to be working on stuff for the comps, so I better get some work done... Before I have to go tutor Bill.