Back on the train going the other way... I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with that song. I've been having the urge to write, though. Maybe I'll figure out FINALE today. (Skip the rope, Look at me!). I just want to stay home today and compose... But what? What? WHAT???
Tootsie's Sweet 16 is on Saturday. I hope I don't feel shitty. I am so glad that I don't live at home. Everything is getting only more and more dysfunctional there.
I got my wet-grinder yesterday in class and I'm really excited about it. I hope that this is it for tools though! It really is getting kind of expensive.
I'm worried that I'm afraid to write because everything has to be "sophisticated" and have musical merit. I mean, I agree to an extent, but it's kind of crippling.
I really miss my B. I just want to be home right now getting "dib dib" all day and all night. (Curled up in the most wonderful kweba!) Maybe I'll go back to the Y tomorrow to sign up. I really want to find out about that program though.
(Although your mind's opaque, Try thinking more if it's just for your own sake)
I love this journal so much that I"m glad it's inspiring me to write again. Oh-- Into the tunnel.
So long for now!
****************************
Later....
And B told me this woman is the "lady of the lakes"
At Cooper Union-- Tabla aujourd'hui. I hope it's fun. It's so fucking humid out today and I had to trek through a 42nd street transfer. I wonder if we're going to get to learn to play or if we're just going to learn about playing...
The chairs in here are scalding plastic orange with brown attached desks... Whoever did the decorating must have done it in the seventies. One of the old women in this class has a really big mouth. I am finding her slightly offensive...
More later...
Wednesday, June 14, 2000
Tuesday, June 13, 2000
Post-College Pick-Up
Another half-hearted attempt (But this time, more suitable I think). Maroon and blue leather and weathered (but still shining). I hope someone shows up to pick me up. It would be really annoying to waste money on a taxi from Manhasset.
Caramel. in the back of my throat, and I wonder when I will ever be ready. I'm disappointed about all the time I wasted drying my hair this morning-- defeated (once again) by humidity. (At least there's still the charm of the Beatles above my swelling black shirt).
Went on a tour of the Westside YMCA this morning. It looked great, but overwhelming. I wish I had the money for a trainer or something... I feel like I really need the structure, but I will have to try my best without it.
I went to visit B today (at JJ) but he wasn't there. Although I really don't want him to leave in July, I think that it's better for both of us to be alone for a while. We tend to get way too co-dependent. I wonder if I'll have anyone to go out with, though. That part of it is really stressing me (oh God, those hands squeezing my waist!). It was so good and so hot but only a flash in my mind. I feel kind of awkward and self-conscious writing about that stuff, but whatever... I'll get over it.
(Eleanor Rigby... Father MacKenzie)
I signed up for those classes at Copper Union yesterday... I am most excited for the vocal chanting one, but the tabla and sitar should be fun too... Speaking of which, I have to remember to get that fucking guitar fixed.
(Make love all day long, Make love singing songs... WAY too sixties!)
I emailed Natasha today and she seemed enthusiastic about hanging out. I miss the whole choir social thing. I really miss Liu. Isn't it weird how stuff like that happens? A year ago we were barely friends, and even when she was here, I rarely spoke to her outside of choir, but it's like-- just knowing that she was there made me feel better.
I don't know... I feel like I'm going through a weird time right now. (Those strange dreams about AIR7). It's clearly one of those transition moments, but I just really don't like it. I feel like everything I had been holding on to so tightly has just slipped away and I realize that it was never there to being with.
(Waiting to take you away...)
All that's left is the truth that I had so zealously obscured for the past three years. And I don't want it to be over. But it's like doing that stuff for another bad trip... What's the point?
And what is there to drinking alone?
But there's just not enough excitement--- I mean the dangerous kind... the thrill of "fucking in the alley" kind. (Or the back of a club!). Well, actually-- last night in the tub was like that. And I know that it's not as much about "excitement" as it is about feeling sexy. If I'm out dancing or flirting or drinking, I get filled with that feeling. With B, I don't feel that energy from him and I want that feeling.
I guess it's back to square 1 and the YMCA. I love him so much in every way imaginable and I never would have believed I could be so happy or so lucky, but there is that one tiny little thing that I'm missing. It's not him... It's how I feel about myself... but those moments when he gives it to me (like that time in XandO, the other day when I was sitting at the computer, etc), THAT'S when I feel like the person I want to be.
I know if I said that to anyone, it would sound kind of shallow and ridiculous, but all of the holes in my soul have to do with sexual self-esteem-- no in terms of what I want and what I can do, but how desirable I am. Regardless... It is what it is and I can't change him. I can only change myself.
I guess that leaves becoming someone that will drive him to happiness. I have to work really hard. Anyway, I think I'll stop for now. This pen is going to run out soon anyway...
Caramel. in the back of my throat, and I wonder when I will ever be ready. I'm disappointed about all the time I wasted drying my hair this morning-- defeated (once again) by humidity. (At least there's still the charm of the Beatles above my swelling black shirt).
Went on a tour of the Westside YMCA this morning. It looked great, but overwhelming. I wish I had the money for a trainer or something... I feel like I really need the structure, but I will have to try my best without it.
I went to visit B today (at JJ) but he wasn't there. Although I really don't want him to leave in July, I think that it's better for both of us to be alone for a while. We tend to get way too co-dependent. I wonder if I'll have anyone to go out with, though. That part of it is really stressing me (oh God, those hands squeezing my waist!). It was so good and so hot but only a flash in my mind. I feel kind of awkward and self-conscious writing about that stuff, but whatever... I'll get over it.
(Eleanor Rigby... Father MacKenzie)
I signed up for those classes at Copper Union yesterday... I am most excited for the vocal chanting one, but the tabla and sitar should be fun too... Speaking of which, I have to remember to get that fucking guitar fixed.
(Make love all day long, Make love singing songs... WAY too sixties!)
I emailed Natasha today and she seemed enthusiastic about hanging out. I miss the whole choir social thing. I really miss Liu. Isn't it weird how stuff like that happens? A year ago we were barely friends, and even when she was here, I rarely spoke to her outside of choir, but it's like-- just knowing that she was there made me feel better.
I don't know... I feel like I'm going through a weird time right now. (Those strange dreams about AIR7). It's clearly one of those transition moments, but I just really don't like it. I feel like everything I had been holding on to so tightly has just slipped away and I realize that it was never there to being with.
(Waiting to take you away...)
All that's left is the truth that I had so zealously obscured for the past three years. And I don't want it to be over. But it's like doing that stuff for another bad trip... What's the point?
And what is there to drinking alone?
But there's just not enough excitement--- I mean the dangerous kind... the thrill of "fucking in the alley" kind. (Or the back of a club!). Well, actually-- last night in the tub was like that. And I know that it's not as much about "excitement" as it is about feeling sexy. If I'm out dancing or flirting or drinking, I get filled with that feeling. With B, I don't feel that energy from him and I want that feeling.
I guess it's back to square 1 and the YMCA. I love him so much in every way imaginable and I never would have believed I could be so happy or so lucky, but there is that one tiny little thing that I'm missing. It's not him... It's how I feel about myself... but those moments when he gives it to me (like that time in XandO, the other day when I was sitting at the computer, etc), THAT'S when I feel like the person I want to be.
I know if I said that to anyone, it would sound kind of shallow and ridiculous, but all of the holes in my soul have to do with sexual self-esteem-- no in terms of what I want and what I can do, but how desirable I am. Regardless... It is what it is and I can't change him. I can only change myself.
I guess that leaves becoming someone that will drive him to happiness. I have to work really hard. Anyway, I think I'll stop for now. This pen is going to run out soon anyway...
Friday, April 14, 2000
Music of Penitence and the Passion
Dodge Library. Waiting for B after section. Feeling how much I love him... I just hope everything is okay. And I'm feeling nervous about that stuff (drugs on Saturday) like it is going to be some trouble, but can't seem to stop it either... I guess I don't really want to. But the whole thing is making me really nervous.
Contessa's birthday thing is tonight, but I really don't feel like socializing with anyone... I just feel sick and cranky.
At least the weather is nice.
My sweater is ice-blue-- like the dress I didn't buy on Saturday.
"Bruce" is on my walkman (the River) and this song will always be that night in The Abbey Pub to me. When my heart was breaking... God, I don't want to think about that... it is too much pain... even now.
I'm just so tired of everything. Maybe I need to go out and do something wild... But there's nothing that i want... just sleep. (Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?)
****************************
Much later.
Outside the choir room at B's rehearsal. His concert is tomorrow and i have to miss it for my own choir's opera concert. Thinking about a lot of stuff... Needing a dress for tomorrow and for the 29th and then my recital and Senior Ball... And wondering about the after party... Who Liu thinks she's doing that shit with, if I even feel like going and if I will even want to see anyone there. I get the feeling that those are the type of people I'd like to avoid-- my freshman floor and the sorority and all that... But I suppose they'll all be at the "ball" part of it too.
And E-the-R told me to write KSing... I miss her. I wonder if she ever things of me-- or knows how much I have changed.
I have nothing to share anymore. I have nothing left to give to anyone else. Maybe I never had anything to give... only the need to take, and now that need is gone too. There is nothing left to bind me to any of them... and only deadened silence for conversation.
****************************
Up in the church now... and the echoing incense and black spaces soar around the music. My B looks so cute! But at every moment I have like this, a moment to sit back and separate myself, those hateful feelings come back... Maybe that's why I'm scared to do it.
Music of Penitence and the Passion.
Contessa's birthday thing is tonight, but I really don't feel like socializing with anyone... I just feel sick and cranky.
At least the weather is nice.
My sweater is ice-blue-- like the dress I didn't buy on Saturday.
"Bruce" is on my walkman (the River) and this song will always be that night in The Abbey Pub to me. When my heart was breaking... God, I don't want to think about that... it is too much pain... even now.
I'm just so tired of everything. Maybe I need to go out and do something wild... But there's nothing that i want... just sleep. (Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?)
****************************
Much later.
Outside the choir room at B's rehearsal. His concert is tomorrow and i have to miss it for my own choir's opera concert. Thinking about a lot of stuff... Needing a dress for tomorrow and for the 29th and then my recital and Senior Ball... And wondering about the after party... Who Liu thinks she's doing that shit with, if I even feel like going and if I will even want to see anyone there. I get the feeling that those are the type of people I'd like to avoid-- my freshman floor and the sorority and all that... But I suppose they'll all be at the "ball" part of it too.
And E-the-R told me to write KSing... I miss her. I wonder if she ever things of me-- or knows how much I have changed.
I have nothing to share anymore. I have nothing left to give to anyone else. Maybe I never had anything to give... only the need to take, and now that need is gone too. There is nothing left to bind me to any of them... and only deadened silence for conversation.
****************************
Up in the church now... and the echoing incense and black spaces soar around the music. My B looks so cute! But at every moment I have like this, a moment to sit back and separate myself, those hateful feelings come back... Maybe that's why I'm scared to do it.
Music of Penitence and the Passion.
Wednesday, April 5, 2000
Waiting in Dodge
In Dodge, waiting for choir to start. I wonder if Clover is pissed about my email, or more worried. Got a bracelet at Macy's today. I have been feeling so dizzy the past few days... (and the light is bubbling off the glaring tiled floor) and I wonder if it has anything to do with Saturday. I have been feeling especially down about everything lately, but I don't want to let B see it at all. The other day when I got in a bad mood, he looked like he was going to cry and he said that he was really scared... But i feel horrible and loathsome and like I just want to strip and slice away all of me... burn myself into a melted hole in these tiles. (And maybe no longer be dizzy, disconnected and floating (with a tickle behind my neck.))
Monday, April 3, 2000
Musings
In "Chromatic" waiting for class to start... and not as nervous as I thought I would be. It's gonna be really hard to come back though. Busy day today... (and not much to say). Feeling pretty good, (but tired) in my blue floral camisole.
*************************
Anyway, later and in the taxi. I'm glad that's over and I think there's still time based on his email. (Stuck in traffic and I'll almost definitely be late for Dr. G!) It's muggy out today and it's making me feel dirty. I wish it would rain already...
Dancing on Saturday with Liu, E-the-R, Anxious and Buke... And it was the most (and the strangest) high I've yet had on that stuff... but absolutely amazing!
And wanting everything over and over again. (At least my jaw stopped hurting today).
We keep passing the Gap and the "colored jean" (gene) (gin) (john) (jan) (june) (jone).
And I am nauseated. Stuck in my head? Non piu di fiori.
*************************
Anyway, later and in the taxi. I'm glad that's over and I think there's still time based on his email. (Stuck in traffic and I'll almost definitely be late for Dr. G!) It's muggy out today and it's making me feel dirty. I wish it would rain already...
Dancing on Saturday with Liu, E-the-R, Anxious and Buke... And it was the most (and the strangest) high I've yet had on that stuff... but absolutely amazing!
And wanting everything over and over again. (At least my jaw stopped hurting today).
We keep passing the Gap and the "colored jean" (gene) (gin) (john) (jan) (june) (jone).
And I am nauseated. Stuck in my head? Non piu di fiori.
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
The Invisible Woman
On the 57th Street crosstown bus, heading to Dr. G. The wind is whipping around everyone's necks today... strands of hair and looseleaf are flying up into the air, above the newsstands and across the sidewalks.
Thinking about The Invisible Man and the "invisible" woman that I have been for so long.
My eyes are dried violets and the grayness of the weather is making me fatigued (despite my urgent fear that it might rain and destroy my newly straightened, beautiful, shiny hair!). This all seems like some very strange calm before the storm...
Constitution stuff in choir tonight... and I am dreaming of the drinks afterwards... Although I don't know why... I haven't gotten wasted in a very long time.
And so much music to learn (and write!) and it is occupying my mind, although I never schedule a time to do it.
I felt strange at B's writing center... I was only there fore ten minutes and for a completely unknown reason, there was a distance... It might have just been the fatigue. But B did not seem that excited to see me... even after I spent $10 to get there in a taxi, in between "Chromatic" and Dr. G.
But then again, the grayness and wind my be effecting my temperament (and perception).
Dinner with VJ tonight (whom I haven't seen in a while). And not surprisingly, nothing more to say under the weight of it all. Wondering how much is too much (matz) (Lexington) and why I need him around my heart at every moment... some infantile need that I don't understand to always be in his arms. And why do I feel so utterly rejected if they are not forever extended for a hug? But I see them now... out-stretched in my mind. And it comforts me.
(Second Avenue)
Thinking about The Invisible Man and the "invisible" woman that I have been for so long.
My eyes are dried violets and the grayness of the weather is making me fatigued (despite my urgent fear that it might rain and destroy my newly straightened, beautiful, shiny hair!). This all seems like some very strange calm before the storm...
Constitution stuff in choir tonight... and I am dreaming of the drinks afterwards... Although I don't know why... I haven't gotten wasted in a very long time.
And so much music to learn (and write!) and it is occupying my mind, although I never schedule a time to do it.
I felt strange at B's writing center... I was only there fore ten minutes and for a completely unknown reason, there was a distance... It might have just been the fatigue. But B did not seem that excited to see me... even after I spent $10 to get there in a taxi, in between "Chromatic" and Dr. G.
But then again, the grayness and wind my be effecting my temperament (and perception).
Dinner with VJ tonight (whom I haven't seen in a while). And not surprisingly, nothing more to say under the weight of it all. Wondering how much is too much (matz) (Lexington) and why I need him around my heart at every moment... some infantile need that I don't understand to always be in his arms. And why do I feel so utterly rejected if they are not forever extended for a hug? But I see them now... out-stretched in my mind. And it comforts me.
(Second Avenue)
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
Psalm 102
1 Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee.
2 Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I call answer me speedily.
3 For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.
4 My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.
5 By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.
6 I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.
7 I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
8 Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me.
9 For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,
10 Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.
11 My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass.
12 But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.
13 Thou shalt arise, and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
14 For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof.
15 So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.
16 When the LORD shall build up Zion, he shall appear in his glory.
17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.
18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.
19 For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;
20 To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;
21 To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;
22 When the people are gathered together, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.
23 He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.
24 I said, O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.
25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.
26 They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed:
27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
28 The children of thy servants shall continue, and their seed shall be established before thee.
2 Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I call answer me speedily.
3 For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.
4 My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.
5 By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.
6 I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.
7 I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
8 Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me.
9 For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,
10 Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.
11 My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass.
12 But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.
13 Thou shalt arise, and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
14 For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof.
15 So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.
16 When the LORD shall build up Zion, he shall appear in his glory.
17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.
18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.
19 For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;
20 To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;
21 To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;
22 When the people are gathered together, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.
23 He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.
24 I said, O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.
25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.
26 They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed:
27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
28 The children of thy servants shall continue, and their seed shall be established before thee.
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