The Cleanup

Oh my God! I just woke up and it's 11:59 AM and this room is trashed and I don't remember anything that happened or why I'm still here, except I know that I flipped out and I'm sure they think I'm on drugs. (Now, how to make my nose bleed... oh god, it already is!)

And I need to go back to sleep... It is all still in my system. And I am so embarrassed.

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Susanna was so right. I do everything for someone to take care of me... I've been so much more fucked up than that... Why did this happen last night? Because I make it that way... in some strange fucked up way, I think I wanted it that way, and I hate myself for that.

I remember ChoirMan and my blue nail polish, PhysicsGuy and the broken bag... And the Tylenol out at the bar and slamming my head against the wall and slapping my face, and he said that he doesn't respond to threats. That's good perception because I am a threat.

I'm sure that by this time AIR7 and Scheisser hate me, or are so confused that I'll never be welcome here again, and I wonder if, secretly, I made it that way on purpose. I think I just need some water and some food... God, I hate myself.

This is so embarrassing!


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Okay. 2:43 and I'm sitting here alone, watching OLTL and I just found "the threat" and I feel like shit and have no money. And Blair is about to blow Todd's cover, but I don't think she will... not on the first day of the trial. Now I think that it's officially over. I crossed that line and then went way past it. God, I hate this...

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Okay. Later still, and the day has not picked up. It's 4:10 PM and I have 20 minutes until the shuttle comes, here on the steps of "Hammer" and at least I resisted my wrists-- that is definite improvement... And at least now it is ALL out. That I'm absolutely crazy and absolutely fucked up.

I don't know whether it is better to disappear or become an angel... I will have to play my cards very carefully to clean up this mess, and I must never bring up ANY of it again. I'll ignore it... We should all ignore that which makes us uncomfortable.

Now I'm choking on smoke... Fuck! How can I have absolutely no memory of writing that? Of telling him that? HOW could I have let that happen? Why are things always so out of control? Because I make it that way and because it is too much to hold back...

Maybe I should write another letter... And what about school? I should just go home and study... Wednesday I'll study all afternoon... I can't believe ChoirMan found out about the new voice teacher, but I'm glad he did... and I'm glad that I didn't tell him... Now it seems like I'm capable of holding things back... "Suzanne" in my ears... I want to sail now...

It's getting cold and it's making me happy... I guess... Some guy just walked past me with no shirt on. Is he fucking insane? You are... You are... How could you have done that to yourself? And I wonder what AIR7 will have to say about it tomorrow. But I hate all of this pretending and I hate that I feel such defeat, such desperate defeat.

Was this it? Did I have my "Five Week" breakdown? What was five weeks ago? That would put me at around September 8th. Right when school was starting... What was I doing then? Well, I wasn't writing in here, so that probably means that I wasn't breaking down, so the theory doesn't stick... Oh yeah-- I was mad at GoldenFinch. That seems SO long ago... (Who knows where the time goes?)

I just missed the shuttle. Now I have another twenty minutes to wait... But this is not frantic (It was last night, what do you mean?) It is resigned and gray. Fuck him for pretending nothing is wrong!

Remember you used to freeze your fingers off? Well, winter is coming again... let the games being!

And he is everywhere all at once and I wonder how this has changed from those glowing twin suns (because now the stars are real). And I love watching the paper curl and burn.

There's no one left. God, there's nobody!

Suicide Wish

Oh God, I lost you for over a week and chewed my nails off because of it... Things have gotten so much worse in my head, but so much better on the outside... Anyway, I am on the phone with VJ right now and super distracted...

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So, in Carmine's later, and all that floats through is him, him HIM. And I know that this is a transfer and I fear the break to come...

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I want to kill myself NOW!!!!!! In front of Scheisser and Adam. I want to kill myself... to kill myself... I want to be

**(my drunken handwriting became illegible at this point and I can't read it).

Let me perish please. PLEASE. Where is my what turned

**(and again, the writing is illegible from here to the end)

Running on "Empty"

From scarped cliff and Quarried stone she cries, "A thousand types are gone: I care for nothing. All shall go." --Tennyson

God, now I really haven't written in her in forever. So much, so much is happening and it is all so markedly different than before. There is a weird lack of emotion at anything that is happening. And oh God, the crush thing has come back as horrible as ever, only this time laced with more of a false reality. Things have so changed though...

I don't THINK anymore. The weights have all gone. It's like-- finally it was enough that I couldn't take it and my mind erased all of it. And I am starting to realize that more people like me than I think.

I have been hanging out with AIR7 and Scheisser a lot lately. It's making a lot of conflict with Amac, BigSis, etc. I think that VJ is kind of weirded out that I'm hanging out with Scheisser too, but I'm having fun and it's really frustrating that I have to tip-toe around all of these other weird relationships.

AIR7 has seen my crazy side (wild, I mean) too, and I'm hoping that I can trust him with it.

I sleep over there a lot-- "the bachelor pad," and it sucks that I just can't be myself and have fun. Everything is becoming more and more tangled as I have to keep track of who knows what, etc.

I had a super long talk with GoldenFinch today, though, and I think that things are okay. I feel really good about it, at least for now. SO things seem to be going okay...

It's so weird for me, though, to be so "empty" like this. I feel like all of my thoughts are almost petty and not worth writing down because they don't carry the weight of my life. It's like I've said before-- freedom from suffocation is not the sweet taste of the air. It is the absence of the choke. It is absence of pain, not joy...

And to be so without extremity is unfamiliar...

Waiting for the Crumble

Okay. So maybe it was a slight overreaction. It is so hot out today, despite my dreams last night and I wonder if tonight is a good idea. Maybe I will throw all of this away and burn it so that I will never have to think about evidence.

And B was right-- such precision is unnatural and unnerving.

I'm on the subway and I have no thoughts on anything. My mind, from exhaustion, has gone, but my throat still really hurts and it's hard to swallow. (96th Street will be next.)

I just want to throw out all of these records and everything from the past. It has all started to fade anyway. Nothing has the strength of feeling that it used to and I wonder if the depression has gone forever, or if it is only momentarily dormant. (The sleeping serpent under the table at the Constitutional Convention).

Thank God that I didn't faint again today. I was sure, for a while, that I would, but I stuck it out.

I haven't spoken to Amac in a while. I wonder if that is good or bad or if I should even be trying to quantify it. Things have been too perfect though... Too good... And I will just sit here patiently and wait for them to crumble...

But in all seriousness, I know how he gets under pressure-- he sucks. And I have no one if it ever comes back. Nobody wants that job and I wonder what will happen to me without it. Oh well... I guess I shouldn't worry about it until the crack. I might as well have fun until then.

Okay. Almost there...

The Bread and Salt

Oh God, I can't believe what I have said and I sit here mixed with dread and fear and God, I don't even remember half of the crap that went on and I am getting sick of nights that pass me in streaks and of this feverish runny nosed burn that always accompanies this class. (It is 9:00 AM.) But at least I got his phone number (the drugs) and it's not all a total loss. (In fact, I'm fucking psyched-- not that I'll ever get the guts to call.)

And I must never forget that all of this is created. (First she created the bread and salt and then she believed in them religiously. Thanks Katerina Ivanovna!)

And Solomon just passed me.

It seems that nobody (no one!) is out this morning and I am wondering whether or not I will be able to look him in the eye.

It is really gray and damp today, but in a beautiful way of death with only the few stray echoes of morning birds. And the later it grows, the more likely it is that he already has passed (I think) but I hate incoherency like this and messed up handwriting and in three more minutes I will make myself go upstairs.

But fuck! I promised that I wouldn't do this anymore. I promised that there would be no more of these mornings. (But God, if it weren't for yesterday, I wouldn't have that number! I'll check it later.)

Okay, he passed brightly and I just want to die. (Lai, Lai they cry!) Okay. I should go up.

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Anyway, so I did go up. And now I'm sitting in class and listening to Mozart and wondering how such a big fucking deal can mean absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing to anyone else.

Now class is about to start...

On Friendship

Now I am waiting at my new voice lesson. I am tired, but remarkably slept about nine hours last night. Then AIR7 woke me up at 3:00 AM to tell me about his dates.

I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone today for a really long time and it was good. It made me feel good that she called me, although it is not the same and never will be. I have changed too much, and yet, I am sure that his is only an in-between and in another few years, there will be a very big change again.

I have been sitting here for 15 minutes already. I wonder how long he intends for me to wait!

I spoke to B this morning too and he pointed out that we would be having our two year anniversary of our friendship at the "New Member Welcome." I'm glad that he remembered it. But then, when I said I wondered if we'd be friends in ten million years, he said "no." He said he moves around a lot and is a bad correspondent. What the hell? I mean-- why admit defeat now? Am I the only one who believes in such absolute friendships that they are all giving and eternal? I mean, Amac seems to agree with me, but it's different.

Anyway, they said that my lesson will start in another few moments. At least this year doesn't seem as heavy. Shanah Tovah! Right?

I'm going home tonight.

Oh-- I'm up!

Alma Mater Twilight

It is so beautiful out tonight. The breeze runs up and down my back like an icy finger, but still with the warm mint of summer. Whispers of mystery float lightly in my ear and I imagine the slick oils on the wings of that bird. It cuts the sky in sharp spurts of life and I fled a sparrow.

The lawn is decorated with the rainbow of a carnival, although they still haven't replaced my light. I don't care now, though. All I see is him, him, him and nothing else can effect me. Not even the aching pulse in my thumb or the spokes running up and down my arms and into my cheeks, under my skin.

Darkness is falling the landscape now, mercifully collapsing the world into slumber (and Violetta shrieks in protest).

Two clashing stars sweep across the sky, paying homage to Dagny Taggart and Henry Rearden and I wonder if they're all that wrong.

It's weird-- not being buried. I hardly know what it is to breathe, but I am realizing that it is not the cool, sweet taste of the sky on your lips, but rather the lack of suffocation that distinguishes it.

But only I know the truth and when I think of it, it makes me uneasy and i wonder if it is better or worse. Will it all be falsified? (Oh God! The brightness!) Can the universe really exist in a person? In the opera, they're always singing "il mio universo e in te." Maybe that's why people stop seeking and why it makes no sense to me.

Maybe they all really are asking for the universe. Maybe they've just found it.

Oh God... now my entire left leg is tingling uncontrollably and I am hardly aware of how to help it.

Oh well... I'll try to read.