Self-Control

Sill waiting for him to call. Still waiting for him to call. Still waiting for him to call. This is absolutely mind-numbing, mind fucking torture. Absolute fucking torture. I will give this until Thursday and then I will have to use every ounce of discipline and self-control that I have to not only not call him, but to not return any of his contacts either...

If and when he ever does.

He's going to do it just when I've started to heal from it.

Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why are dreams of that closeness from the Summer with me at every moment????

Arghhh!!!!

Ok--

PLAN A:
Take all of my self-punishment energy and put it into not eating. I'm going to empty myself of all of this. Purge my system of all this excess. No more whiskey seeping through my pores. No more coke binges. And no more heavy meals. It's going to be a lashing for everything about me that's me-- that he can't love.

I don't care if this means I'm fucking crazy. At least it gives me something to do with myself. Discipline. And I'm going to throw myself into impressing ProfPP with my paper. Only need to find a topic now...

God, I wish I had somewhere else to go.