Love

Awakened by your love

I flicker like a candle's light

trying to hold on in the dark

Yet, you spare me no blows and keep asking

"Why do you complain?"

Blood Test

Waiting in the endocrinologist's office... Blood test today. I didn't exercise this morning because I had to get up too early, but I'm not hungry anyway and not happy about it. I have to go in...

Hindu Hyde

So, it looks like my chapter of life with B is over. It seems like we're not even going to be friends anymore. But, I'm proud of myself. I told him that I don't want to be treated like shit anymore... even if it took me five years to say it and mean it.

I'm glad I called my mom last night instead of him when it got bad and that I feel the strength to take life up in my hands. I took one of those "spirituality" quizzes today. It told me that I am a "Skeptical-Contemplative" type and should take up Hinduism. I guess Bhakti Yoga is similar to my "Religion of Love."

Anyway, Zoolander is on TV and I haven't eaten all day, so I'll write more later.

I Saw Elvis

Sitting in the Border's near the movie theater in a cold sweat with a sore throat. Maybe I've been doing too much lately... a week of celebrity.

Last night was the Madonna concert-- Re-invent Yourself. It was an amazing show. She rewrote her past into her present. Even the parts that seemed to have only one meaning were revised... "revisioned," and I wonder if I can do that with my past too.

The night before (Tuesday), I went to see Bill Clinton. It was a moment I will never forget. He radiated with an energy and a magnetism as sparkling as his gleaming white hair and clear eyes... along with a softness. Although the four and a half hours on the humid Harlem street was exhausting and it was Wednesday morning that I woke up as sick as I am today.

On Monday I went to see the Elvis '68 Comeback Special at the movies with my mom and B. It was a one-day release to promote the special edition DVD release that came out on Tuesday. Also, truly amazing. His heart is on his face and it is so striking when he becomes transformed from that narcissistic little boy into an angel of emotion. I love him.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I've written in any journal. I lost 40 lbs, I finished my research paper and B got a girlfriend. The last point is the hardest for me (obviously), although I've had a hard time figuring out why.

Last night we talked for a long time. He told me that I won't find the answers outside myself. I don't know if I'm ready to believe that though. I am always so afraid of falling apart... of "falling..." of the dissolving of my existence that lurks in all of the empty spaces. And the meaninglessness of everything when I'm too weak (or tired) to maintain the illusion of love.

Bill Clinton said last night (on Charlie Rose) that he became (purposely) what he feared the most. So do I, but I'm not yet sure how that works as a coping mechanism.

I'm really too tired to think right now. My yes feel sore and my neck is stiff and I'm hungry. I'm supposed to be working on stuff for the comps, so I better get some work done... Before I have to go tutor Bill.