Old New York

Another Halloween.

Finished a lunch of bread, cheese, smoked fish and onions. (That makes me feel like a writer from Cowley's NY, although there's no reason why it should!)

On a lunch break and waiting for those keys to be made... And plagued by the thought, lately, that all of this is memory-- that the world is passing-- that "my New York" is passing. It's the first time I've ever felt ageing-- that it's the people younger than I who own the world. The thought makes me sad and sick. And more than anything, scared.

Nothingville

In Cafe Europa on my lunch hour (late) and blinking into a sty with the wind icing my left hip and leg and wanting to write because I'm not in the mood to read.

My brain is getting tired from all of this (I have to write a paper tonight) and it's hard to keep my priorities straight when all I want to do is crash after work.

God, my eye (sty) hurts!

Listening to Garou, who I absolutely adore. I would give anything to see him in concert. he sings a part of me that i don't find anywhere else. It's like opera but rough instead of sublime. It hurts, but feels good to listen at the same time.

GoldenFinch's wedding was on Saturday. It feels weird to hang out with my college friends sometimes. It's like we all have these fixed personalities with fixed expectations and I play into it and then feel stupid.

I had such a great time last night walking to the library. It was nice and cold out and I had on my hood and jacket and chain-smoked the whole way there. It was just at twilight, so everyones faces looked pale and blue with a biting pink in the cheeks and lips. I know that's how I looked and I loved every minute of it. My hair was like straw and even more brightly colored next to my colorless, flushed face.

Then I went into Sephora and had that "winter" feel of carrying a million things and sweating in my heavy coat inside the heated store and then I went outside and my damp skin caught fire in the wind, burning me all over. It was fabulous and the most "complete" moment that I've had in a really long time. I live for moments like those. They seem to only come at times when I can let myself get into that mood-- that mood I used to live in, but am not supposed to go into anymore-- where I feel strong and dizzy at the same time-- where I have a self-awareness that is almost external and where anger turns to power and the hallucinations begin. There's definitely a shift that happens in my brain when that happens. I know I can't live there anymore, but I miss that part so much. That was my strongest self. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain this to anyone else either because my words never come close to that absolute magic.

(Que l'amour est violent)

Alright. So, I finished lunch and now I'm here sipping a piping (burning) hot hazelnut coffee. I don't want to go back to work yet though because I don't have to (at least not for another 10 minutes!).

Why is my handwriting so fucking messy today? I think it's because I'm used to typing again. I remember that happened when I worked at the music management company.

So... when am I ever going to start my diet? What am I afraid of? Sometimes I wonder about what happened to me. And then I think that that's totally wrong and I just need to fill up all these empty spaces.

I still want to cry when I think about how things failed with B. That was all I wanted in the world and I feel the tears in my throat right now. It's so much easier to hate the people around you when you're not in a relationship too. I feel so weird about GoldenFinch getting married. I feel like we will never understand each other again. When I told her that i loved her that email and how I will never forget the "Be Not Afraid" night, I think I was saying "goodbye." She kept looking at me at the wedding when I was singing, but for me, I was already gone.

I am gone from so many of the places i n my life, but I haven't landed anywhere yet either. Nowhere. To be nowhere. (Or as Elvis would say, to be in "Nothingville...")

I really need a new Elvis Presley CD. All I want to do is listen to him and I"m running out of "freshness." I wonder if one day there'll be nothing left for me to hear of him and then what will I do/ He is the man-God of my previous entry. Cruel because of the distance, but merciful because he will never, ever go away.

Anyway, on that somewhat disturbing note, I should be heading back to work. As much as I want to stay here with coffee and Garou...

I hope B and I don't fight tonight. I really need that soft place.

(Especially on an afternoon with a sty-- on some level, from beginning to end, NOTHING CHANGES!)

The Princess of Medici

Waiting (after work) on the floor in the hall outside my professor's office. I have to pee, but don't think I have the time. Bumped into Ana C. in Pick-a-Bagel today (and Patty J. yesterday and Amy P. and Stephen at the opera on Saturday!). I feel like all of this is some sort of sign (it really is too bizarre in my neighborly city of strangers). But I have no idea what this sign could be.

I'm really nervous about this advisor thing for my research paper. Yes-- he's a Victorianist, but business and economics doesn't seem like it would be the right fit at all and if he's really opinionated, he might pressure me into writing something I don't want to.

It's just about 6:00 PM and they're still in there talking... I hope he's not too critical. I really am just too tired to defend myself.

Today was a wasted day at work and I think Suj knows it. I think Gab knows it too and doesn't like it. But Suj basically told me to do my own work until he finished his fucking picture for the pope and he still wasn't done when I left for the day!

I like answering the phones when Eva is out. It forces people to tell me what's going on (and I got to talk to the Princess of Medici today).

Like I said-- some things are really too bizarre.

Okay, now they're eating into my time and I'm getting really irritated. Maybe they don't know I'm here. I guess I'll go knock...

Later...

Overworked on a Black Night

Waiting with a headache in a black night for a voice lesson.

Crushed by this unbearable schedule. My chest feels stretched and my shoulder blades burn. My hands tremble with fatigue.

Today I left home at 8:00 AM, worked until 5:00 PM, went to the nutritionist, went grocery shopping, wrote a 6-page paper and now I"m at a voice lesson and I don't know who I am anymore.

And I keep thinking about AIR7 because ironically enough, that's the only time I remember being happy. It was before I had a broken heart.

That day at the Whitney was the happiest day of my life.