Soul Pain

Don't forget--

If he never meant to hurt me, why isn't he stopping?

If I matter to him, then why didn't he offer to take down that stupid profile, stop meeting women in my apartment and let this heal for a while?

If he loves me, why is he going to continue to do something that hurts me?

God, I want to ask him that so badly. I want to ask him, but I also want to heal, and I'm not sure what good asking him that would do.

Today is awful. I haven't been able to breathe from the moment I woke up. The Tube was unbearable and I don't want to get back on. But I have too much shit to carry to keep looking in the Museum.

I feel like my soul hurts-- something at the core that is just radiating the pain out in rings to every other part of me. But at the same time, I feel empty-- like I don't even have a heart. My heart is with him still and he's ignoring me. Not even the tiaras made me happy. I feel so desperately alone without him. Dr. G. said to think about what went wrong, but I don't know what I did wrong!

I loved him with everything that I have. I feel like killing "us" is the same as killing me and I feel myself dying inside. This pain feels like the pain of dying and it won't let up. Not even for as second... And I can't breathe.

You're still here
Beside me every day
Because I know you by heart.

One of the reasons this is so unbearable is because when I'm with people, I have to hold everything in and the tension chokes me. When I'm alone, the tears and the pain overwhelm me.

What He Said

"Hi. I am so very sorry it's ending like this too. I've made too many mistakes to mention, so I'd just like you to know that I never ever meant to hurt you. I have never and will never knowingly disrespect or hurt you. I care so much about you. I worry how you're doing over there. It breaks my heart thinking that you're alone with--"