Not at Home at Home

So, back home and things were okay for a few days, but now I am desperately sinking and feel like I'm back in an old hole that I thought I had broken out of a long time ago... Only now I realize that I never really broke out of it, I only went away for a little while.

I am screaming and screaming inside and even so, I recognize that it is all futile.

Nobody hears. There is nobody to hear. (I mean, what would I say even if I wanted to?)

And there is that same familiar friend-- that choked weight in my chest. I feel as horrible and loathsome as ever and it is uncontrollable... even when I tell myself to get a grip. And meanwhile, all I want to do is go back and stay in the city... I feel like I am not myself here... and all of the same values shower me and spill over my shoulders.

I began to think that the world extended beyond the edges of this 3x5 photo...

Anyway, I played piano for hours today to keep myself from crying. I want to scream and I want to get out of here and go somewhere where I can1 Oh god...

Meanwhile, it's 10:04 PM, my mom's not home, BigSis is at Bro-in-Law's, LilSis is upstairs, my stepfather is seeing his kids...

I went to the high school today and wanted to fold myself into my eyes...

I have to get out of here soon!