Lost

I'm going to go buy a new journal today. I need to say goodbye to this year. The day or two after I ended the pregnancy I felt better-- like my old self. Now I feel disconnected from everything. Like I can feel the burning out embers of life inside of me. And I'm so sick of loving Narc. I'm so sick of feeling lovesick all the time-- because it's not love that's making me feel that way. It's confusion and frustration. And I feel lost.

Waiting for Anxious

Waiting for Anxious at "Forty Carrots." She's half an hour late and I'm pissed. It's already 1:30 and I have to be at NYU for my blood-work at 2:45. This is bullshit. As if I weren't pissed off enough today already! This is absolute bullshit. I'm tempted to leave. Total bitch. I wonder if I should call Narc tonight or if I should wait for tomorrow. I totally have to go to the library tomorrow. I totally can't believe what he wrote on his blog though... I just can't believe it. After everything... I am so mad at her with every minute that goes by.

Benefit:
Ooh la lift
Eye Bright
Lyin' Eyes

Pregnant

I'm pregnant.

I've known for two days now. And Each day that passes, the less I want to have this abortion. I don't know if I can go through with it. Who would this child be? He or she needs my nurturing and protection right now and I'm the one who's going to suck its life away. But I could I manage it? What would happen to everything I want for myself? Is that just selfish? I'm 26 years old. Haven't I had enough years to myself? The big question for me right now is whether I should tell BigSis. I feel like she could talk me through this, but I also feel like it would infinitely complicate things. Am I being absurd for even entertaining the notion of having it?

Narc was cold and a little distant on the phone today. But at least he called and maybe it's because he's home with his mom. I was surprised at Sunshine's reaction. If I thought she would react that way I wouldn't have told her. She made me feel worse-- like this baby might be a miracle. Something that will never happen again. I just wish Narc would make me feel loved. It would make me feel better about whatever decision I ultimately make...

I have to just make myself stop thinking. Just accept it and do it and have it be over. And don't think about potential. The whole universe is unlived potential. Why is this such a crime? (Because it's depending on YOU.) Even Narc can't understand that-- it's not depending on him. His body is not sustaining its life. It's depending on you. And you want to kill your own child. You're not a drug addict or homeless. You're not 15. You could find a way to do this if it's what mattered to you most. And Narc wouldn't have to have anything to do with it...

What would he say though? I just really want him to come back already... really want to see him. I feel like it would make everything so much clearer. I feel like I'll have a felt sense of what to do as soon as I see him. IrishBird surprised me the other night. She just said "it's a big decision for you. Only you can decide." I thought she would be so dead set against it and tell me so too...

Silence.

One of those control moments... wish I could call him, but knowing there will be only silence. And that will be even worse than what I have right now. That would be death.

The Bad Girl

B is mad at me now. What did I do? Things fall apart already? He only got here an hour ago. I'm bad, I tell you. Bad. Sometimes I hate myself so much. I don't deserve anything. And today was to remind me of that. He says he doesn't feel good. Well, I don't either. I bet it's because I require something today. I bet.

At the Bar

Too funny...

I'm at Cheers and the day waitress just told me that they went to Manchester the other night and said they work at Cheers and Maeve asked if they knew me. Guess things get around, you know?

Anyway, I'm in a weird mood today. Don't know what to do about the whole Stallion situation. I can't believe the feelings he has for me. Half of me wants to pursue it, but then I remember what Dr. G asked me this afternoon-- if he were single would I want to go out with him? I think the answer would be know.

So, my mind is still on Narc and on the personal as political. I feel a little weird/ nervous about hanging out with Bezoukhoff tonight. Things are too clear, you know? Too clear to ignore.

Ex-Libris (no known author, mystery section)
Book is called "Ex Libris" ("Rose")

$40,00--Bezoukhoff owes you!

Notes

"Socialist pricks with bourgeois dicks"

The personal as political problem.

Mon-Sat 9-5:00