French Martinis in the Nation's Capital

Just got back from drinks in the hotel lobby with English. The waiter served us something he called "French Martinis" but I don't think they were. It was a combination of Grand Marnier and Cognac and it was damn strong, but yummy.

I wish I could have stayed to have another, but he closed us out. So, I came back up here, but no one's here. I can't decide whether to go back out or call it a night. I'm kind of tired so I might just settle in.

The combination of the alcohol and the mood I've been in all day is making me kind of depressed. Even my revelations at the National Gallery seem light years ago.

My eyes sink-- shaded and heavy-- and I remember that moment of being at the top but never that he loved me as much as I needed to be loved. I feel so fucking tired right now and I don't know why I'm thinking of ChoirMan so much. Maybe it's because he kissed me right before I came to Washington the last time. And AIR7 said that he wanted to kill him. I don't think I ever succeeded in sorting through any of that. And now it's so long ago... so many fucking years ago that all of the characters are dead. When I saw ChoirMan in October, he seemed so shrunken out of the context of that drama... and I? So ridiculously scared, so impressionable and silly.

But still, I feel the same say now-- right now-- in the fog of Cognac and alone on another tour-- that I wonder if BH is still in touch with him. I know KSing felt the same way as me and that's why she caved on the election. I wish I could have talked to her about it. But we never could because of who he was... Because of what we were... And Liu...

I remember when AIR7 wanted to kill him. And then all of friends wanted to kill AIR7-- especially B. And now it's the same for B. And so, it's hard to tell if it's I who picks losers or if none of them are losers at all and maybe they've all been right and I am totally insane.

I know that I made them think that I'm crazy. and how can that not be to blame? Whatever.... there's no point in any of this... I'm just really tired and the fog is thick now.

If only Liu were here vegetating with me. It's my favorite thing in the world to do what we did on Thursday. That Ecstasy was such an amazing and incredible high. I won't ever forget it-- that miracle of red and blue and the thickness and transparency of smoke that was solid marble all at the same time. And making it better were those wonderful lips. I can't believe the way I behaved though.

Thank God for the bartender enforcing "house rules." I'm going to fucking get myself in some real and serious trouble one of these days. I don't think about the risks of that stuff enough. It just felt so good. that whole night was a miracle to me and I thank God for it so deeply and so profoundly. I only want that feeling back again. Damn...

I hope that Joseph can come through with the coke he promised-- or at least remember that he has my $100. That would suck.

I can't stay awake all of a sudden. My head is throbbing.

I think I'll turn in
(or be found dead in the morning).