Guilt and GoldenFinch

I'm so sick I'm so sick I'm so sick and I screw everything up ALWAYS and I had so much fun last night but I'm such as ass and why am I always swallowing down my own nausea...

Here back at the Alma Mater waiting for GoldenFinch to poster...

I'm sick I'm sick

SAYMSSIK! SAYMSSIK!

Oh God! What have I done? And I can't love to be that way too much... it is death, Hyde! It is death!

Screw you! You have totally fucked everything up again and again and again and I am so scared and how can I need so much? How can his reaction (or lack thereof) make me so sick, squeamishly frightened and WAITING WAITING WAITING.

But who the hell wants to spend $10 on a rock that says "PATIENCE?"

I can't afford God... At least not for a piece of peace as shitty as that...

Oh God! Come! Come! Come!

He's not going to come. And then GodlenFinch is going to get here and I"m going to have to pretend that everything is okay because I promised that night... a week ago Thursday (today is Friday) that I would sell my soul to the Actor's Guild and only be happy forever more. I bumped into KSing for the second time today...

Where the hell is GoldenFinch? It's 10:19. She was supposed to be here at 10:10.

This sucks and my vomiting heart only makes me more pissed off at my own weakness. The cold is all there is to keep me alive--

"Laye-aye-aye-ai- you take this waltz with a clamp on its jaw." (L. Cohen).

GoldenFinch-- where the fuck are you??

God, I hate this! I hate it I hate it.... And the swellings on Butler are asymmetrical because one light has gone out and it spells DEATH... The queen of the spelling bee! It is all gone when I am alone...

I was back in the church today and painted back into the hollow of his cheek... my saliva-- the redness that dripped from his palms to his feet.

WHERE IS GOLDENFINCH???

I am getting a little cold, but sacrifice and suffering are necessary.

"Take this waltz with its very own breath of brandy and death, dragging its tail in the sea." (L. Cohen)

I see GoldenFinch running here now, so I'll stop...